Week 14, apparently

First, this morning's number: 220.8. I don't seem to be losing any more weight, but I'm not gaining any, either. I'm definitely getting full faster when I eat, and I just don't seem to have any cravings. Food just doesn't sound super appealing these days. I'm also having more morning sickness, as it were, than I did last time. Not that I'm actually getting sick, but when I get up in the mornings I feel that not-quite-nauseated feeling. I usually hold off eating anything until Brendan is out the door to the sitter's. By then I feel a little more confident that anything I eat will stay down. Also, I'm a bit more prone to gagging myself when I brush my teeth. Bleah.

Well, I'm apparently about 10 days further along than I thought. I had an ultrasound on Monday, since I had only a vague idea of when my last period was. Based on the measurements they took of the little peanut (rump to crown and size of the head), they estimated I was approximately 14 weeks and 3 days along, instead of the 13 weeks I thought I was. That knocks 10 days off my due date, moving it up to June 15. It also meant that I couldn't get the ultrascreen done, the testing they did last time for the genetic problems like Downs and Trisomy 13. It makes me a little uneasy that we couldn't get the ultrascreen done (not that it would change anything if we did), but apparently I can get another screening, a blood test, done at around 20 weeks. My next appointment, first one with the doctor, is scheduled for January 16, which would put me at about 18 weeks, so I can probably get the screening scheduled after that.

I've told a few people--a friend whose wife is also due in June, some teachers I work with and a couple classes' worth of students (because they were wondering why I had missed school for a doctor's appointment)--but no family members yet. Almost told my dad last night, since he's not coming for Christmas, but I figured he'd have a hard time not spreading the news, and we want to tell as much of the family as possible on Christmas. I bought a t-shirt for Brendan that says "I'm going to be a big brother", and I think we'll just put him in it on Christmas morning and turn him loose in the house to see who notices first. Should be fun.

Anyway, I'm almost ready for Christmas. Still got a little shopping, a little baking, and a lot of cleaning to do, but we'll get there!

Week 12? It's all so confusing

First of all, gotta give the weigh-in numbers: 220.4

I feel pretty good about that, given that my weight was about 237 when I figured out I was pregnant. I just don't feel like eating much. I am eating, and I wouldn't have thought that I was eating so much less that I'd be losing weight like this, but I guess coupled with the nutrients that are going straight to the kid, it's working for me. I do need to start working out, though, or I'm going to be in pretty lousy shape (lousier shape) when the kid gets here.

Thankfully, Brendan is finally past his big milestone. After 13 months of never being sick, the kid had a wicked virus that gave him three full weeks plus some of diarrhea. Poor guy. He didn't seem to feel particularly bad, but his diapers were all slimy, nasty, and runny; he got it all over his clothes, all over us, all over the place; and he had the most horrible diaper rash imaginable. I'm surprised his little hiney wasn't bleeding, he was so raw. But he's finally better; his poo has been solid since Wednesday or so, and so I'm hoping we are out of the woods. That was pretty miserable. I hope he's done being sick for a long while.

I finally had a doctor's appointment last week. Well, nurse's appointment. I won't actually see the OB for the first time until January, when she comes back from her own maternity leave. But I had my initial consultation with the nurse. I must admit, I am a bit freaked out, because she did not pick up a fetal heartbeat with the little transducer they rub around on your tummy. She rubbed it all over the place and didn't pick up anything. She didn't seem super concerned--I would think if she really had been she would have gone and gotten the portable ultrasound machine they have and plugged it in to check, or at least would have gotten the vaginal transducer out to see what she could pick up--but still. I would have thought that I was far enough along now (heck, based on my estimate of my last period, I should be about 12 weeks) to pick up the heartbeat without any problem. Anyway, she scheduled me for a gestational ultrasound--to determine a little more accurately how far along I must be--and an ultrascreen, the test they did last time to determine likelihood of any genetic problems like Downs Syndrome. I go in for those next Monday. Cross your fingers. And cross them that the little peanut is OK in there. I would think that if something had happened, like a miscarriage or something, that my pregnancy symptoms would go away, but I'm still a little queasy and have to pee all the time, and I would think there would be some kind of sign--pain, bleeding, something. So I'm hoping the little guy or gal is still in there and just hanging out quietly for now.

There's always a first

Well, had our first unscheduled visit to the doctor for the boy today. Made it almost 13 months with no health issues, so this was the first thing to crop up. Brendan has had pretty loose, yucky stools for about a week now. At first I thought it might be related to something he ate, and then I wondered if it was because of teething (he's got a bicuspid that just broke through on one side, and he's been fussing with that side of his head the past few days). I also wondered if it might be a virus. Well, this afternoon the sitter called me and informed me that Brendan had a rash all over. I had noticed this morning when getting him dressed that it looked like he had a rash on his head under his hair, but I chalked it up to being dry (the winter curse) and didn't think anything else about it. But when I got home and picked him up, she showed me the rash. It was all over his head including the temples, down his neck, all down his back and his chest and tummy. Nothing really on his arms or legs. I've wondered a few times if he was running a bit of a fever--he seemed a little warm on a couple of nights--but not anything serious. Well, I took him to the doctor this afternoon, and she concluded it is probably a virus. I wonder if it's roseola, which is a fairly minor virus. Anyway, hopefully it won't be around much longer. The doctor said that if it doesn't go away in about 48 hours, we need to bring him back in (which would naturally be around Thanksgiving; yay!). He's a little whiny and crabby, but the rash doesn't seem to itch or bother him. The doctor said he'd be fine to go back to the sitter tomorrow, that he shouldn't be contagious. I just feel sorry for the little guy. I certainly don't want him to not feel good. Poor baby.

9 weeks and a little unreal

I'm at almost 9 weeks, and somehow it still doesn't seem real. I haven't been to see my OB yet (since I have to wait until she's back from her own maternity leave, so I don't really have official stuff to do or track or whatever. I mean, I KNOW I'm pregnant and all that. Missed periods, three positive home pregnancy tests, a positive blood test, and feeling weird (slightly nauseated, needing to pee all the time, etc.) is certainly indicative of pregnancy. But for some reason, it just doesn't really feel real. I've told a few people so far (teachers), but it's almost like I'm jinxing it somehow and I will end up not being pregnant after all. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. It just seems weird.

Not weird in a bad way, just weird because it doesn't seem real.

Week 7, the unfairness of it all

First of all, who gave my OB permission to have a kid of her own?

Turns out, my OB, whom I dearly loved, has had a baby of her own (she got married partway through my pregnancy), and is on maternity leave until January. This is an inconvenience for me. I can't believe she didn't check with me on the off-chance that I might be unexpectedly getting pregnant while she might be out. It means that I either have to see another OB or wait until January to be seen by mine. Since this is a second pregnancy, I don't have the list of questions that I had the first time, so I'm OK waiting if they are. I'm supposed to get a call from her nurse in the next few weeks, to get me scheduled. So I'm probably going to be somewhere between 11 and 13 weeks by the time I go in to get my first appointment. Heck, by that point last time, I think I'd had my first ultrasound.

The next peeve I have is, why does my son FINALLY start sleeping through the night at the same time I start waking up at least twice a night so I can pee? UNFAIR! It's been a year and nine months since I had a good night's sleep, and now that I finally have the opportunity for one, since Brendan has managed to go pretty much every night since right after his birthday and either sleep straight through the night or put himself back to sleep without crying, I have to pee. That was the first symptom of pregnancy I had when I was pregnant with Brendan, and it has shown up with a vengeance.

The last unfair thing is that I STILL am having digestive trouble. I just wanna go potty like normal! When, oh when, will this go away?

Confirmation

Yep, I'm preggers.

I went to the same-day clinic and got a blood test, and they confirmed that yes, I am indeed pregnant. No idea about how many weeks along I might be. I just need to go on my original assumption, that mylast period was around September 19 or so, which puts me at about 6 1/2 weeks. We'll just have to wait until we get an ultrasound and get an estimate.

So, away we go...

Week 6, Part Deux...I think...

Before I get into the interesting stuff, I first want to point out that Brendan managed to survive his first year of life! He had his first birthday about a week and a half ago. We didn't have a huge shindig; I mean, the kid won't remember his birthday for a few more years now. My husband's parents came up from Wyoming, my dad drove all the way from Nevada, and my best friend flew up from San Diego. So the party was certainly respectable. Brendan got lots of presents, more than he'll surely ever play with. But I guess that's how it is supposed to be. And he got to smash some cake, which is always a good time. It was my first attempt at decorating a birthday cake, you know, REALLY decorating it, and I think it turned out pretty well. It didn't hurt that my friend had taken some cake decorating courses. So fun was had by all, and I officially have a toddler. Heck, he doesn't even toddle; he sprints. At his 1-year checkup, he measured in at 22 lbs 9 oz, and 30.4 inches tall. He's right around the 50th/75th percentiles, so he's where he should be. He still only has seven teeth, but I think he's working on some more. Still doesn't say much in the way of recognizable words. I've gotten Mama out of him a couple of times, and he seemed to be saying "duck" the other day when I prompted him. I really hope he starts speaking a bit more soon. At least he loves books. That's always a good sign. He's a wild and wonderful kid (most of the time), and I'm glad we've all lived this long.

That said...

It appears that I may be pregnant again.

Let me start by saying that I have been taking oral contraceptives since Brendan was about 4 months old or so, and I have not missed any days. I am on a pill called Jollivette (or something like that), and I do know that it is a very low dosage of hormones (due to my blood pressure). But I haven't had any problems with it. My period has been a little irregular, but I've chalked that up to the fact that it is a 28-day cycle of pills rather than a 21-day cycle with 7 days of placebos. I've always taken the 21-day cycle pills, and my period would then fall during the week of placebos. But with the 28-day cycle, my period seems to drift a little bit, either a few days before the last week, or a few days after, or right in the middle of that last week. Still not a big deal.

So, anyway, the last period I had was somewhere in the neighborhood of the third week in September. I have no idea exactly when it was. I'm basing my calculation on that estimate of my period having been in the last week or so of that 28-day cycle. I know I did not have a period during the entirety of October. I went through an entire pack of 28 pills, and had taken 8 pills in the next pack before finally coming to my senses and taking a pregnancy test (or three). Also, I wasn't feeling very good--I've had...let's just call it "digestive trouble" for weeks now, which is very unusual for me. And all of a sudden I had a couple of days where I was overcome with nausea out of the blue, just for a few minutes. When I was pregnant with Brendan I had very little morning sickness, and this definitely reminded me of it.

So, the thought had already sort of wandered through my mind, that there might be a slight possibility that I might, just might, be pregnant. When I mentioned to my husband that I wasn't feeling good, he said, "Well, do you think you might be pregnant?" And I said, "Well, perhaps, yes." So I picked up a box of First Response pregnancy tests. I think these are the kind I used when I found out I was pregnant with Brendan, but I'm not sure. In any case, I peed on the stick, let it sit for three minutes, and checked it. And sure enough, there were two lines in the window. One was a bit fainter than the other, but the test instructions said this was possible, and it was undeniably there. (I got the same results the next evening, after a day of not taking my birth control pill, and the next morning as well.) So, according to First Response, anyway, I'm pregnant.

I am withholding total reaction until I get a blood test to verify it. I'll probably try to go to the walk-in clinic on Friday after school, to see if I can get a blood test without needing an appointment.

But if I truly am pregnant (which I suspect I am; I've started waking up in the middle of the night to pee, which was one of the first signs I had last time), I'm probably about 6 weeks along. That means, according to Baby Center, the little bugger is about the size of a lima bean. Cool.

My husband and I have talked in the past about having a second child. We had figured on shooting for a due date around the time of Brendan's second birthday, so that I could take the time off at the end of the semester. But, while I don't know if I'm really prepared for having a 20-month-old who will undoubtedly still be in diapers AND a newborn at the same time (actually, I can answer that question emphatically: NO, I AM NOT PREPARED IN THE LEAST), from a work perspective this should work out well. My due date, from my calculations, should be around June 25. School will get out June 1. That gives me just over 3 weeks of time in the summer before my due date. And that also gives me 8 weeks of summer after my due date that I won't have to work. I'm hoping I can schedule some maternity leave at the very beginning of the school year, maybe 6 weeks (I have no idea what my options are, since I am not a tenured employee). That would put the baby at 3 months old before I have to go back to work. I wish I didn't have to go back to work at all, but I know that isn't an option, due to our finances. Oh well. But that will have been good for bonding with the little bunion. I hope.

Anyway, there's no sense in getting too worked up about anything. While this is unexpected, it isn't the worst thing that could happen. I mean, I'm excited about it, but terrified as well. I have a hard enough time being patient with Brendan. I just know that it's going to get worse before it gets better. Oh well. The other challenge will be my weight. I haven't lost anything. I weighed in on Monday at 232.8. That's slightly more than ten lbs less than my heaviest pregnancy weight. I can't afford to get any heavier. My back is constantly hurting, and both my feet have plantar fasciitis. I really need to lose some weight. I think that will be something that I will talk to the OB about when I go in for my first appointment.

We haven't said anything to anyone. Of course, we need to wait until we know I'm actually pregnant, and I'd like to wait until I'm about 14 weeks along again, which would be the end of the first trimester, if I recall correctly. That means 8 weeks of waiting. At least we don't see a lot of people regularly. *So if you are reading this and you know me, please don't say anything to anyone!*

But I'm getting ahead of myself. It's possible I'm not even pregnant. Not likely, but possible...

So many milestones, so few posts

Wow. I didn't realize my last post to this blog was back in August. Eek. I've been so busy with school and not losing weight and the baby and not losing weight and...well, you get the idea.

We're six weeks into the school year, 1/3 of the way through the semester, and I have yet to find a good rhythm for getting lessons planned and work graded. I tend to go in about half an hour before school starts and spend that time and my planning period (the first hour of the day) getting materials ready FOR THAT SAME DAY. While I have a general idea of what my classes will be doing from day to day, I rarely if ever have everything prepared ahead of time. That's going to make it really hard to ever miss a day if Brendan is sick and can't go to daycare, or even if I just need to stay home myself. I really have to do a better job of planning. Also, I've let ungraded work pile up. Thankfully, it did not get noticed by the students or their parents, because until the past week or so no one had access to the online grading system. But now that the portal is open for them to view, I need to do a better job of staying on task.

I need to do a better job of working out, too. Only this past week did I start walking to school, and only two days of the week. I have been told by one of the maintenance guys that I can keep a bike in the boiler room if I want, but I don't know where the boiler room is, and I'm a little embarrassed to ask. I don't know why. If I can figure it out, I'll walk on regular days and ride my bike on Tuesdays and Thursdays, since I'm supposed to stay after and work with the newspaper on those days. But I'm running out of time. I had hoped to be below 175 lbs by the time my brother gets married in May. Now that's only 7 months away, and that means I need to lose like 9 lbs each month. I basically need to stop eating. *sigh*

But on to the boy. He is walking. Heck, he's RUNNING. He has seven (and a half) teeth. He's working on eating chunkier foods, although texture seems to be a problem with him--too many chunks and he barfs. It isn't pleasant. He's almost a year old, two weeks from tomorrow. We're going to have a family birthday party for him, with my dad, my husband's parents, and one of my best friends in town. I thought about having a party for little kids, but we don't know many people, especially not with kids Brendan's age. The sitter who watches him during the day watches three other kids, but I don't really know any of their parents other than to say "hello" when we drop our kids off and pick them up. I might make some cupcakes and take them to the sitter the day after his birthday; the other kids, the sitter, her husband, and her two teenaged girls might enjoy them. I may send token invitations to my sister-in-law and her family, my brother-in-law, and my brother and his girlfriend, even though I know they cannot attend. I don't want anyone to get their feelings hurt. But I'll make a cake--I'm thinking Winnie the Pooh, although I've never decorated a cake before (my friend has, maybe she can help)--and I'll make a cupcake for the boy to smash to his heart's content. I wish the weather was probably going to be warmer; I'd make him eat his cupcake out on the porch in the back yard. But our weather finally got fallish this week--temps no higher than mid-60s for the next ten days--so I doubt it'll be particularly warm on his birthday. Oh well.

Oh, the boy also said what I'm considering to be his first "Mama". He babbles stuff like that all the time, but this morning when I went to get him out of his crib he said, "Mama" and reached up for me. I think that counts.

First day of school

Today's weigh-in: 237.0

I made no progress over the summer with my weight loss. Hopefully the school year will improve things. I plan to work out at least three mornings a week before school, and also ride my bike or walk to work most days.

We'll see.

Teeth, teeth, and more teeth

Well, we're up to three teeth. Not long after his first one came in (maybe a week and a half), the second one on the bottom front showed up. And then today I looked at his upper jaw, just out of curiosity, and discovered one on the upper left. So we're getting there.

He's also still trying to walk, but hasn't made huge strides yet (ha ha, see what I did there?). He can get about two steps, and then he either needs to grab something for balance or he sits down really fast. He'll get there. He's been practicing his standing too. He's up to maybe as much as 20 seconds before he needs to sit back down. I can't believe how close he is to walking. Crazy.

He had his 9 month checkup the other day. He's 29 inches long, 20 lbs 12 oz, and has a head circumference of 44 cm. That's 75th percentile in height, 50th percentile in weight, and 25th percentile in head size. My husband was a little concerned, because Brendan has gradually dropped in the percentiles (he was 90th in height when he was born), but the pediatrician didn't see any cause for concern. She also reassured me that I did my best when it came to breastfeeding, that at least I made it 6 months (which is kind of the minimum they recommend), and that she certainly didn't see anything in his development to suggest that he's having any kind of trouble or detriment. So I felt pretty good. She was impressed with his walking attempts and felt sure that he'd be walking in a few weeks. The poor dog...

We're definitely having more problems with the dog. Brendan is just obsessed with him. He wants to touch him so bad! Maerlyn will growl at him, or snarl, or curl his lip. I'm really afraid Brendan may get bitten at some point. And they both know they aren't supposed to do it. When Maerlyn snarls at the baby and we yell at him, he gets very submissive, which he never has been to me in the 12 years we've had him. My husband says it's the "momma bear and cubs" syndrome. Any animal should recognize that a momma will defend her young. The poor dog just always assumed that he was the cub, I think. And Brendan knows he's supposed to leave the dog alone, but he cackles hysterically and puts on the jets as soon as you come after him to correct him or move him away from the dog. He'll ram the dog at full speed. Nothing good will come of this, surely. I just hope that maybe when Brendan becomes bipedal, Maerlyn will recognize him as a person rather than think of him as a puppy.

On my front (and back, and behind, and thighs, and arms), I still haven't lost any weight. I've been really horrible about working out, and I've been snacking all day long. My goal is still to lose as much weight as possible by May. I'm hoping that school starting in a week will help me out. My plan is to wake up early (5, probably), do our elliptical machine or a video for half an hour, then shower and get dressed. I'm going to have to get the boy up at about 6, get a bottle in him, get some cereal in him, and then get him to the sitter at 7. I need to check on my "travel time" to school. According to Google Maps, I should be able to ride my bike there in 3 minutes, or walk there in 14 minutes. I will test this next week. I'll have to drop off the boy, get back over to the house, get my bag and bike (or just get my bag) and head off. It's all downhill. If I cut over a street at a time, rather than just take my street straight down to the street the high school is on, that is; it'll take me longer to get home than it will to get there, but I should have no problem getting there in a reasonable amount of time. Walking would be better exercise, because if I ride my bike I won't have to put much effort into it on the way there, but I guess since I need to look sort of professional and put-together for work, maybe that's the way to go. It'll get me a bit windblown, but that's about the biggest downside. Of course, I'll have to lock my bike up. I don't know if I'm allowed to bring my bike inside; probably not. I'm ordering a bike cover from Amazon, and I have a lock. But it makes me nervous, riding my nice, $1800 mountain bike to school. Guess I might end up riding my crappy $300 mountain bike instead. Works fine. That way I won't feel as bad if someone tries to steal it. When the weather is less-than-perfect for biking, I can walk (like if there's a lot of ice on the road). And of course if it's really cold I can always drive the less-than-a-mile to work like a loser. :) But any of those should work since I have to be at school from 7:30-3:30, and the boy's day at the sitter runs from 7-4. Plenty of time.

Anyway, that's where things stand...

The emotion of the ocean

I started wondering about my emotions while I was pregnant. I seemed to cry about things a lot more easily. I figured it was because of the hormones and because I was so tired. But the emotional rollercoaster continued after I had my baby. Then I chalked it up to hormones, exhaustion, and "baby blues" or perhaps a little postpartum depression. When I stopped breastfeeding about a month and a half ago, I really figured my emotions would go back to normal. But they haven't. I find myself tearing up during commercials. I have actually had to change channels during certain television shows. I can't watch anything that involves something unpleasant happening to a child. Death, illness, even adoption make me really upset. Also, things about parents, especially mothers, make me cry. I just don't get it. I never used to be this weepy about stuff. The hormones should be returning to normal, I'm getting at least a little more sleep (Brendan has still only slept straight through the night twice, but at least now he's only waking once or twice and not staying up for an hour and a half each time), so why am I so darned emotional? It's been nine months since I gave birth. Shouldn't this be getting easier?

Makes me want to cry.

*sigh*

I must be a horrible parent, because I am so much happier when I can send my son to daycare for the day. A full day with him just wears me out and leaves me impatient, frustrated, and disappointed in myself. Yesterday was a particularly bad day. Brendan of course is pretty fussy now since his tooth is coming in. When he's awake he really doesn't want to play by himself, although he does better entertaining himself in the mornings than in the afternoons. He follows me around, whining and pulling on my pantlegs. He's figured out how to open the cupboards, so we've started working on the babyproofing. All I've done so far is lock up two of the side by side cabinets with a lock that connects both handles together. It's inconvenient, to say the least. I need to put in the single cabinet locks; at least they are easier to open for adults. Brendan has also started pulling himself up on the baker's rack in the kitchen. I've had to take everything off of it so he doesn't pull anything heavy off on himself. But now I'm worried he might pull the whole thing over on himself. And I've had to relocate some of my houseplants (all poisonous philodendrons) and I have more to move.


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Sorry, I was just interrupted by the diaper change from hell. Brendan has gotten himself in a bad habit of rolling over while I'm trying to change him, making it impossible to have a quick, fuss-free change. He had pooped, and naturally it was a mushy, stick-to-the-butt poop. I was trying to keep him from rolling over, so instead he jammed his hand down into the mess. His hand was covered in shit. He got it all over my hand, all over his legs...I'm in hell.

Back to the post in progress...

So, yesterday I had to change his clothes 4 different times (after the initial change from jammies to play clothes. He spit up part of his breakfast, he barfed up his lunch, he was wet after his nap, and then he spit up a lot of his bedtime bottle, all necessitating a clothing change. How can one little kid produce so much laundry? And so many nasty bodily fluids?

And he was up twice last night, once for a short cuddle of about 20 minutes, the other for a bottle and some fussy time of an hour. Then he got up at the same time as my husband, meaning I couldn't go back to sleep. He got into the trash while I got dressed, making a mess of the bathroom floor. I had to get him a bottle and then pop him in his stroller so I could walk the dog, because for some reason my husband did not walk the dog before he left for work.

I just feel frantic, rushed, and totally out of control and out of sorts. I get angry at him, which makes me angry at myself. I am a horrible parent. I suck at this, probably worse than I have ever sucked at anything. While I always thought I would have another child, I just don't think I should. I"m doing a lousy job with the one I've got.

The tooth is out there

We have tooth!

Brendan finally has a tooth. I discovered it this evening, as he was in super-crabby mode. I stuck a finger in his mouth, and realized as he gnawed on me that there was something sharp in there. It's already broken through, which explains why he's been grumpy and fussy the past week or so. It's obviously been breaking through for several days at least. He was pretty tired and fussy tonight, so I gave him some Tylenol before giving him his last bottle for the day. Hopefully he'll sleep well.

It's about time

Brendan FINALLY slept through the night. At least, he never cried. Or if he did, I didn't hear it. And considering how hypersensitive I've been to the baby monitor, I'm pretty sure I would have heard it, regardless of how tired I was. I know he changed position at least once last night, since he was most definitely not where I left him (he ended up at the very top end of his crib, lying across the crib, on his tummy). So he managed to wake up enough to change position without waking up enough to cry about it.

I'm pretty sure this isn't going to happen every night for the rest of his life; as a matter of fact, I'm expecting tonight to be payback for last night. But at least I know he's capable of doing it.

I didn't completely freak out when I woke up, either. I actually got up and went to the bathroom, then got back in bed and stayed there for another five minutes, before deciding to get up and check to make sure he was still breathing. I guess that cements my disqualification from Mother of the Year from yesterday.

So, after about 17 months (since my first symptom of pregnancy was needing to pee in the middle of the night), I finally got a completely uninterrupted night's sleep. I am glad to know that I still can sleep through the night. I thought I might have lost the ability.

So much for the Mother of the Year award

I did something extremely stupid last night. When I put Brendan to bed, I forgot to put the side of the crib back in place. The crib is not a drop side crib; the top eight or ten inches are hinged to the rest of the side and secure to the corner posts at the top with deadbolts. My father-in-law made the crib for my niece, and we have it on loan to use for Brendan. When Brendan was little and not mobile I didn't worry about putting up the side. Ever since he got big enough to sit up on his own and get on his hands and knees, I've put the side up when he's been in it. And now, of course, he's mobile enough to stand up in the corner of the crib and potentially try to climb over the side. So this was a pretty dangerous thing for me to do. And then, to top it off, I made this a "cry it out" night; I did not go in to check on Brendan when he woke up and cried but instead let him put himself back to sleep. He work up at least four times from the time I put him in there, which meant at least four possible times for him to fall out of the crib. I am soooooooo glad he never got worked up enough to kneel or stand in the the crib last night.

As evidenced by the above, we're working on sleep training. Unless he really gets worked up and starts sobbing, we're letting him cry during the night. The last few weeks I've gone in if he's awakened after about 2 am and given him a bottle, figuring he'd be pretty hungry. But he needs to get weaned off of a nighttime feeding, and so last night I decided I was going to wait and let him cry. If he got really agitated, I would have gone in after him (and probably gotten him a bottle too; and I would have discovered my mistake with the side of the crib), but he eventually tapered off and went back to sleep. I'm hoping that he'll wake less and less over time, or at least cry less and less, until he gets to the point where he's shifting positions without ever actually waking up. We are still working hard to get him to bed at bedtime. He fights it pretty hard, and we're not exactly following what everyone recommends, which would be putting him down in the crib while he's still awake and letting him go to sleep on his own. I'm hoping that after he gets to the point where he's easily putting himself back to sleep in the middle of the night, we'll be able to start putting him in the bed while he's still somewhat awake. We'll get there.

And the angels sang hallelujah

FINALLY. After 8 months and one week, Brendan finally made it through the night without my intervention. He went to bed at 8:30 (with my husband putting him to bed instead of me), slept until about 5:30, took a bottle, then went back to sleep and slept until I got him up at 8:30. He did wake up a few times and cried a little, but each time he went back to sleep by himself. I did get up once, at about 4:30, because I thought he was going to get himself started and I figured he'd want a bottle, but by the time I mixed up the bottle the noises in his room had subsided, so I went back to bed. I'm sure this doesn't automatically mean he will now sleep through the night every night, but it's at least a promising start. Hopefully he'll get to the point where he won't wake up and cry at all. When he DID wake up at 5:30, he just SOBBED brokenheartedly until I got the bottle into his mouth. I don't know if it was because he was *starving* (I mean, this is a kid who is used to eating every 2-3 hours), or if it was because he was disoriented (I mean, all that sleeping can really take it out of you), or if he just missed me. No idea.

I could have slept longer myself--I got up at 8:00 because I knew I needed to get Brendan up and get him over to the sitter for the day. But it's nice to know I may get some sleep eventually.

On the weight loss front (and back, and rear, and thighs), I haven't done a very good job this week of eating better or exercising. I have taken the dog on a couple of good walks around the neighborhood, but that's been the extent of it. I've tried to eat a little better, but we ate out for dinner the other night, and I made brownies yesterday. I think I'm going to try to stop at the gym this afternoon, see if I can sign Brendan up for swimming lessons, and get a workout in. Hopefully next week will be a little easier. I did weigh in this morning at 232.6, which is a minor improvement. I only need to lose 1.5 lbs this week to be on track for my goal weight loss of 60 lbs by May 19, so I guess things are still going OK, but I need to be better. Maybe I should make a spreadsheet like the one we used to use, that recorded the daily weights and measurements, and then calculated the weekly totals and losses or gains. To do that, I should reprogram the scale with my starting weight and age. That's going to mean looking up on the internet how to do that, since I'm sure the manual is long gone.

Anyway, the sleep is a good thing, and hopefully the weight loss will be as well. Stay tuned...

Vacation, all I ever wanted

It's been several weeks since I last posted. Had a few days where I had to work, then went on vacation for a week. So let's get right to the updating...

Brendan is a wild thing. He is crawling like crazy, and pulling/pushing himself up towards a standing position pretty often. He likes to use pant legs to pull himself up, but he'll also put his hands on something lower and push himself onto his hands and feet. He's tried straightening up with no support a few times, and just plopped over onto his butt. I suspect if he keeps at it, he'll be standing and trying to walk within a month. He's really fast at crawling, so much so that he gave himself a blister on the top of his foot (from it rubbing on the carpet as he crawled). Not a big blister, but definitely an example of the friction he generates. I guess I need to keep socks on his feet to protect him. He eats pretty well too. He's now entirely on formula--the final breast was the first night of our vacation, more to calm him down than anything else--and eating quite often. He's obviously getting a lot more liquid than he was when he was breastfeeding, which makes me wonder if he was not getting enough to eat when he was still breastfeeding. Unfortunately, the added liquid is making the diaper issue a problem: although his diapers are supposed to be "12-hour nighttime diapers", he has exceeded the absorbancy several times at night, and then once yesterday (after about 5 hours sitting in his carseat since the last change). Nothing quite like a soaking wet baby. What it means is that I am now having to change him in the middle of the night, which I hadn't been doing before. It means waking him up a bit more than I would like (when he would wake up previously, I would barely be awake, and feeding him would make him go right back to sleep).

Sleep has definitely continued to be an issue. Brendan is still waking up several times a night, and having a lot of difficulty going back to sleep. My husband and I got into a disagreement the other night (in the middle of a two-hour waking period), because I haven't done a very good job of encouraging Brendan to self-soothe. He is right, I haven't, but it's been because I've been the only one getting up with Brendan, and I've been more concerned with getting him back to sleep as quickly as possible so I could go back to sleep too. I call it "survival mode". I do know that it can't stay this way; I am beyond frayed and totally exhausted. So I've really tried the past few nights to let him cry for at least five minutes before I go in after him, and if he's not crying really hard to let it go and try to let him settle himself. But he's also started crying with a different quality than he used to. I can't really explain--my husband describes it as a "mad" cry. I think of it more as a "sad" cry. The corners of his mouth turn down, tears just pour down his face, he sobs...I don't know what the cause is. It could be pain, maybe his teeth or an ear ache or a tummy ache, or maybe it's that he's starting to have major separation anxiety. I have noticed that he has been a bit clingy the past few days. Not that he has avoided other people or anything, but he'll come to me, grab my shirt, and bury his face in it. Also, at night it has become difficult to get him to go down in his bed. This past week he's been sleeping in a pack 'n' play, and I've always had trouble putting him down in there without waking him back up (it's hard to reach all the way down to the bottom to set him down). This week he has started grabbing my shirt as I've tried to lay him down, which made it even harder to get him to go to sleep. Last night wasn't quite as difficult, because I was putting him in his crib, which has a higher mattress (but now that he's able to pull himself to a standing position, we should probably move his mattress to a lower level, which will then make it difficult to put him in it). Anyway, I'm not sure what the problem is with the sleeping, but my husband has agreed to at least help put him down at night, so maybe we can break his attachment to me and get him to sleep better. Because I'm pretty much fried.

Then there's me. Despite my assertion at the beginning of the month that I would be working on my weight loss, I have done NOTHING to improve the situation. As a matter of fact, I weighed in this morning at 233.6, which is my heaviest non-pregnancy weight. I actually put weight ON during my vacation, despite a little more activity than I have done recently (18 holes of golf and a bike ride, at least). And I now have something else that I need to lose weight for: my brother is getting married in May of next year (2012). I would really like to be 175 lbs or lighter by then. That is just over ten months away. Basically, I need to lose six pounds each month. That's about a pound and a half each week. I SHOULD be able to do that. Heck, I should be able to do better than that. But I need to get on it. I need to start hitting the gym several times each week, and going for a walk or jog with the baby and the dog every day, and cutting back on my eating. Why is this so hard?

Summer, summer, summertime

Ah, summertime.

Let's see...where was I...

Brendan has started crawling and sitting up independently. He still tips over every once in a while, but he's pretty much good to go on the sitting. The sitting has translated to the bathtub; we stopped using his little bathtub seat thingy, and now he's just sitting directly on the bathmat in a few inches of water. Makes it much easier to play when you can sit up and use both hands. He's got the crawling thing down, too, although sometimes he chooses to semi-crawl, using one knee and one foot. Not sure what that method is supposed to accomplish.

We haven't done much in the way of baby-proofing the house, but we really, really need to. Brendan is drawn to electrical cords (he loves the laptop power cords), the laptops themselves, the electronic equipment under the TV (Wii, Xbox, BluRay player, cable box, power conditioner), and remote controls. We have put a baby gate over the top of the stairs, and outlet covers over the outlet in the hallway, but there are so many other things we need to do. Toilet locks, cabinet door latches, doors over the video games and DVDs...we really have quite a bit of work to do. I'm hoping this summer that we can spend some time downstairs (we're going to work on framing in the unfinished part and getting the bathroom down there finished), since it's a bit more kid-friendly. The only thing he could really get into down there is a big built-in bookshelf unit. We need to move a bunch of his toys down there and get some of his stuff set up down there. It'll make a good play area.

I'm disappointed in myself: nine weeks of teaching didn't do anything for my weight loss at all. I weighed myself yesterday, and I was still 227. Guess teaching isn't as active as I'd like to think it is. I took a step to try to fix things: I got a jogging stroller. I'm going to try to walk/jog with Brendan a few times each week. I'm planning on taking Brendan to his sitter a few times each week, so on those days I will also try to make it to the gym. I really want to get this weight off.

So here's my new goal...school will be starting up in about 11 weeks. I'd like to lose 1-2 lbs each week (that's all that's recommended for a nursing mother, which I still am, technically). So ideally I'd be at 205 when school starts. That would actually be my pre-pregnancy weight, as well.

We'll see.

Tired

Couldn't even think of a witty title, I'm so tired. Still not sleeping through the night. Still not losing weight. Still not enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Work has taken a toll on breastfeeding. With my class schedule, I can only pump twice, and with grading, student questions, and other disruptions, some days I only pump once. Even with two-a-days, I'm rarely able to pump enough for more than one bottle. I was able to pump about 8 oz when I started, but now I'm down to about 4 oz, even while still taking fenugreek. This slow-down in production is corresponding to the boy starting to push me away after only nursing for a few minutes. I was wondering if it was because he wasn't getting milk fast enough; the sitter said he was doing the same thing to his bottle. So today the sitter used a faster flow nipple on the bottle, and he chowed down. Makes me think that my breastfeeding days are numbered. I've still got two weeks left of work, and I'm sure as long as I keep trying to pump I'll be able to at least make it until then. But I don't know if my supply will increase again after I'm able to stay home for a few days. Maybe I should just call it.

Of course, on the plus side, if I'm not breastfeeding anymore, I can start kicking the hubby awake to bottle feed the boy in the middle of the night...

Go the F*ck to Sleep

OK, my husband found this "book" on the Internet. No book I have ever seen up to this point in my life has so accurately identified my life. Seriously. Sure, the language is inappropriate, but it's just so true.

Go the F*uck to Sleep

This is HILARIOUS.

Took a postpartum depression quiz online...

According to a quiz I took on pediatrics.about.com:

"You may have one or more of the signs of postpartum depression. Be sure to get a further evaluation from your doctor.

Remember that some of these signs, including sudden mood swings and feeling impatient, irritable, restless, anxious, lonely, and sad, can be associate with baby blues, but they should only last for up to two weeks after the delivery of your baby and they shouldn't be as strong or intense as you may have with PPD.

You said that you have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:

Feeling restless or irritable.
Feeling sad, depressed or crying a lot.
Having no energy.
Not being able to sleep or being very tired, or both.
Overeating and weight gain.
Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions.
Feeling worthless and guilty.
Being afraid of hurting the baby or yourself.
No interest or pleasure in activities, including sex.

You said that you do not have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:

Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart being fast and feeling like it is skipping beats), numbness, or hyperventilation (fast and shallow breathing).
Not being able to eat and weight loss.
Being overly worried about the baby.
Not having any interest in the baby.

No one knows for sure what causes postpartum depression (PPD). Hormonal changes in a woman's body may trigger its symptoms. During pregnancy, the amount of two female hormones, estrogen and progesterone, in a woman's body increase greatly. In the first 24 hours after childbirth, the amount of these hormones rapidly drops and keeps dropping to the amount they were before the woman became pregnant. Researchers think these changes in hormones may lead to depression, just as smaller changes in hormones can affect a woman's moods before she gets her menstrual period.

It is important to know that postpartum depression (PPD) is treatable and that it will go away. The type of treatment will depend on how severe the PPD is. PPD can be treated with medication (antidepressants) and psychotherapy. Women with PPD are often advised to attend a support group to talk with other women who are going through the same thing. If a woman is breastfeeding, she needs to talk with her health care provider about taking antidepressants. Some of these drugs affect breast milk and should not be used."

It has occurred to me that I haven't had a cry-free day since I had my son over six months ago. I need to be really careful that I'm not drifting into dangerous waters, so to speak. I feel a little better about myself since I started back to work, but I still am frustrated and tired when it comes to the boy. I just wish he'd sleep, and sleep without a lot of drama trying to GET him to sleep.

Anyway, just interesting to consider the possibilities.

My Mother's Day wish

Well, we're approaching my first Mother's Day as a mom. I remember thinking last year, when I was pregnant, that I couldn't wait until I had my baby and could be a mom. And now that my baby is six months old, and I'm about to celebrate being a mom, I have been thinking about the holiday. Several people have asked me "what do you want for Mother's Day?" Of course, the first thing I wanted I already have, a wonderful family. But as for other things, I have considered baby gear, like a bike trailer and jogging stroller. I mean, summer is coming, I need the exercise, and I'm a lot more likely to get it if I can take the baby with me. I'm thinking about the summer and wondering if I should make arrangements with Brendan's sitter so that I can drop him off a couple days each week and then get things done like housekeeping, shopping, etc. without having to worry about him. It's $25 a day for the sitter, and I don't know what her summer schedule will be, since I'm sure the other kids she watches are not on the mommy-is-a-teacher schedule that Brendan is. But it would be nice to make sure that he's still going to daycare for a number of reasons: 1) he'll be less likely to develop separation anxiety if he continues going a few days each week; 2) he'll keep developing his social skills by playing with the other kids (they're all older than he is, but they totally love playing with him); 3) I'll be able to get things done at home (including napping) without having to worry about him every minute. I'm not sure if it's financially feasible, but I really do want to think about it.

But back to what I want for Mother's Day. Other than things like liposuction and personal training, I guess the one thing I want is a day off. Not that I don't want to be a mom; I just want to be absolved of my duties for a day. Or even just for a night. Someone could just get me a hotel room, and I'd go there and sleep for twelve hours without a dog pawing at me, or anyone snoring but me, or anyone waking me up to eat or be rocked. That sounds really selfish, now that I look at it. But I think one good night's sleep might go a long way to recharging my batteries.

Anyway, I don't know that I am getting anything in particular for Mother's Day. So maybe I just need to ask for patience. If I can just hang on until the boy gets a little older and sleeps a little better...

More milestones

We're still not sleeping. Last night was a bad one; I don't know if it was gas or constipation or teething or reflux or a nasty head cold, but I do know he wouldn't go down in his crib. He wouldn't go to bed in the first place, at that. I've been trying to start getting him to bed earlier and earlier, hoping that if he goes to bed earlier he'll sleep better. But regardless of how early I start our process, it seems like he won't go to sleep until 10. If he does happen to go to sleep before then, he wakes up within an hour. So he didn't go to sleep until 10. Then he was up from 1:15-2:15, then from 3:00-4:15, and then from 5:30-6. I just don't know what else to do. I need to read some of these sleep training books so I can find out what it is that I am doing wrong.

But we've got some milestones that we've hit or are hitting. Brendan is up to five different fruits and veggies that he eats: bananas, applesauce, peaches, sweet potatoes, and green beans. I'll just say he is not jazzed about the green beans, but he likes everything else. I ordered a set of little storage containers to keep homemade baby food in, and a couple of baby food "cookbooks", and I plan on trying to save some money by making at least some of his food myself and freezing it. We'll see how it goes; it may be more cost-efficient in the long run to just keep buying the Gerber food. Also, Brendan is now rolling with abandon both tummy-to-back and back-to-tummy. I think it's only a matter of days until he realized that rolling is a method of moving from place to place. We'll have to start baby-proofing the house. He's also able to sit up unassisted for longer periods of time (not minutes, but a minute maybe) before he tips over. He can turn himself around when he's on his stomach or his back, and he can push himself backwards with his hands when he's on his tummy and forwards with his feet when he's on his back. As soon as he puts all this together he'll be crawling. I can't believe he's going to be six months old on Saturday. I thought for sure he'd be sleeping through the night by then. *sigh*

One bummer milestone is his first cold. A couple of the other kids at the sitter have a cold, and despite trying to keep them away from Brendan, he came down with one. And since he slobbers all over me on a daily basis, I got it too. His nose has been runny and he's been hoarse, which suggests to me that he's probably got a bit of a sore throat too. And he's got a little cough, probably from the throat as much as anything. I'm the same way--headache, stuffy and runny nose, sore throat, general run-down feeling. I've been giving him a little baby Tylenol here and there, but I'm afraid to give him much because I don't want it to affect his liver. He goes in for his 6-month checkup in a couple weeks, and if he's still suffering from the cold I'll ask about remedies. For now, just keeping him hydrated.

I've lost a little weight since I've been working; I was 227 when I started and I was 223 on Monday. I also started working out this week, just fifteen minutes a day on the elliptical machine, but hopefully it'll start to show and I'll be able to go longer and longer at a time. Anyway, I'm trying, and that's gotta count for something, right?

Missing my mom today. It's the fourth anniversary of her passing. I wish like anything that I'd been able to see her hold her grandson...

The first (tooth) cut is the deepest

Well, teething has hit our household hard and fast. The boy has been drooling for some time now, but within the past couple of weeks, he's started gnawing on everything he can fit into his mouth (including me), rubbing at his face and ear, rubbing his face all over my shoulder when I burp him, and crying a lot more. He's also waking more in the night (great, just what I needed, less sleep) and waking a lot more angry than he had previously. He's also harder to put down, literally and figuratively. At night it's hard to get him to lay in his crib; he'll doze off while nursing, and he'll remain asleep in my arms, but as soon as I try to put him in his crib, he is wide awake and fussing again. I'm not sure if that is related to the teething, or if it's gas, or reflux, or what, but it's frustrating. I have to try two, three, four times to get him asleep enough to put him down without him stirring. And then, during the day, he doesn't want to be left alone. He's still not good at entertaining himself (although he's getting a little better), but it used to be that we could lay him down on his activity mat or put him in his exersaucer or swing and he'd be fine for five or ten minutes while we changed out the laundry or did the dishes. But now, as soon as I set him down and turn away, he starts to cry. Again, I don't know if this is due to the various discomforts he may be suffering, or if he's starting to have separation anxiety. But it's annoying as heck. I hate it when he cries; his hungry cry is tolerable, and his pained teething/gas/reflux cry is heartbreaking, but his whining "pay attention to me" cry is just irritating. I don't know what I can do. I just hope we get through this quickly. People keep giving me suggestions to help with the teething pain during the day, but I just don't know what to do for him at night. I can give him Tylenol, but I don't want to keep doing that over and over, since it can cause liver damage. People have suggested rubbing whiskey on his gums, but I can't imagine that's really good for him either (I'd rather drink it myself, anyway). Every time I've felt his gums for teeth, I haven't noticed anything, but I don't really know what I'm feeling for either. I just really hope the tooth or teeth show up quickly so we can get this over with, at least until the next teeth come through.

Things have changed a bit since my last post. I got hired for a long-term substitute teaching position with the high school nearby (less than a mile away). I did one day before we went on our vacation (which had already been planned) and then I started in earnest this past week. It's been pretty hard to get the hang of things. It's hard enough to pick up someone else's students and classroom and assignments and all that. But it's been even harder figuring out the necessary morning routine to get myself and the boy together and out the door. Our neighbor does daycare in her home, and she has started watching Brendan. She's loving it, and he's seeming to enjoy it as well, and it's nice that she's only three houses away. When the weather's been cold this week, I've put him in the truck and driven him over there on my way to school, but when the weather warms up I'll just put him in his stroller and walk him over, and then ride my bike to work (I will not ride my nice new mountain bike, but my old one instead, in case someone steals it or strips it). I need to try to get to the gym (I haven't been in several weeks), and that's going to complicate things as well, because I'll have even more stuff to take with me when I leave the house in the morning. And I've had to pump while at school, and that's taking some effort. There really isn't anywhere good I can go to pump, so I'm locking myself in my classroom. Makes me nervous, because I think other teachers can unlock my door. It's taking half of my 30 minute lunch period to set up, pump, and clean up. And then only and hour or so later is my planning period, when I have to pump again. Brendan's taking 2 or 3 bottles at the sitter's, which means I need 12 oz pumped. So far, I haven't gotten more than 8, and usually more like 5-6. I'm taking fenugreek again, but it doesn't seem to be working as well as it did the first time I took it. I guess I need to start pumping in the evenings as well, just to get as much as I can. But it's such a pain. And pumping during my planning period is taking up valuable time for grading and organizing. It will be interesting to see if I can keep this up. I'm just afraid my supply is going to suffer. I guess if it does there just isn't anything I can do. I'll breastfeed for as long as I can, and if I can't keep it up, I'll just have to switch to formula. We're almost to six months (two weeks from yesterday), and that's kind of the "minimum" length recommended to breastfeed (they really recommend going a whole year, but I just don't know if that will work out--if I can just get through until the beginning of June, then maybe we can at least keep breastfeeding through the summer). We'll just have to see. I do have to admit, it is nice to get out of the house and back into the classroom, but I miss the boy during the day, for sure. And no news about a job for the fall yet. The school district rolled the contracts over for another year, so the four English teachers at the nearby high school who were supposed to retire at the end of this school year will not be retiring until the end of the next school year instead. When I got hired, they did mention that there would be another teacher going on maternity leave for the first six weeks of the fall semester. Also, the department head told me the other day that one of the English teachers would be going on some kind of year-long sabbatical to China, which means if I don't find a position of my own I might be able to take his class. I'd rather have a position of my own, because then I could have a job to come back to if we decide to have another baby. [We have talked about this before--if we are going to have a second child, we figured having them about 1 1/2 to 2 years apart would be ideal. The best timeline for me would be to have a baby at the very end of the school year next year then, in June. June 1 is the last day of school next year. I would then have the whole summer to be with the kids, and possibly take a maternity leave at the beginning of the next year to give me a little longer to be at home with the baby. But if I don't have a full-time position for next year, I won't have a job to come back to, and I'll have the same problem getting hired that I did this last year--who wants to fire a teacher who is going to be gone for part of the year?] Anyway, there's no point in getting ahead of ourselves. Right now this kid is more than what I can handle.

I have to admit, I'm getting a little resentful of my husband, and it really isn't fair of me. I find myself trapped in an inequality of my own making. Brendan really won't settle down for anyone but me. It makes sense; since only a month or so into this little adventure, I've been the only one waking up with Brendan in the middle of the night, and pretty much been the only one involved in his feeding. My husband does give him a bottle occasionally, and he has fed him solid food a few times, but it's really been on my shoulders to do the feedings. Makes sense, since I'm the one with the boobies. When Brendan was first born, we both had to be involved, because I didn't have enough supply. I would breastfeed, then hand the boy off to my husband while I pumped. He would give the baby whatever I had pumped from the previous feeding, and then top him off with formula. But he didn't always wake up when the baby did, and I started just letting my husband sleep and handling the feedings myself, figuring my husband needed the sleep as he was the one who had to get up and go to work. Thankfully, I stopped having to pump and give formula, so at least I wasn't up as long for each feeding. But now that I'm working too, and the boy is sleeping so poorly, I'm resentful of my sleeping husband. He still doesn't usually wake up when the baby does, and he still can't be involved in the feedings unless I pump, but some of Brendan's wakings are not food related, and he doesn't really need to eat. So my husband conceivably get up and try to get the baby back to sleep. But that's where we get to the heart of the inequality: he really won't be soothed by anyone but me. I usually nurse him anyway, since the boob seems to calm him best (my husband calls it the "breast of rest"). He'll doze off while eating, and then I'll rock him a bit and (try to) put him back down. He doesn't fall asleep nearly as well for my husband, who can only rock him and hope for the best. But this is probably because I've been the one who HAS soothed him. It's a vicious circle: he'll only be soothed by me because I've been the one who has soothed him, and because I continue to be the one soothing him he will only be soothed by me. He's gonna have to get used to calming down by himself at some point. But when we finally get around to sleep training, and we have to let him cry, I'm going to be the one who goes freakin' nuts, because his crying already drives me to distraction, and it's going to be for me that he's crying. I'll have to send my husband in to try and comfort him, and that's just going to be stressful for all of us. I keep hoping that he'll just one day sleep through the night, but apparently that isn't in the cards, at least not yet. I really hope it'll happen, and sooner rather than later. Because I'm pretty dang tired in the mornings.

We did have a good vacation the week before last. We went to Paducah to introduce the boy to his great grandparents and some great aunts and a great uncle, and then to Memphis to show him off to all our friends, and then to St. Louis to spend a little time with my sister-in-law and her family. Brendan got some milestones in: he had his first airplane rides (and was great on the plane all four times); he visited seven new states, bringing his lifetime total to nine (Montana, Wyoming, Minnesota, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, and Arkansas); he rolled over from his back to his front (and hasn't done it since); he moved up to the next size of diapers; and he started eating fruits and veggies (banana that week, and then applesauce this past week and sweet potatoes starting yesterday). The boy sure is getting big. He doesn't have his 6-month checkup until the first week in May, so I won't know his vital statistics until then, but he's at least 18 lbs for sure. It will be interesting to see how long he is.

And, as a last note to a very long post, I'm still fat. I weighed in on Monday morning at 227.6, my heaviest non-pregnancy weight. Not good. Now, I was retaining some fluid, because my period started later that day, but still. Inexcusable. I'm hoping that not being able to snack all day long (since I'm at work) and moving around a bit more instead of sitting on the couch all day has helped (we'll see when I weigh myself tomorrow morning). Also, this week I'm going to try to make it to the gym in the afternoons (at least a few times), and then the next week I want to start riding my bike to work and back. I would like to lose some weight by the time we go on vacation in the middle of June, about 10 weeks from now. If it's only a pound each week, so be it. But I'd like 2 lbs a week, for a 20 lb loss, or even better a 30 lb loss (although I'm sure that's pretty much out of the question). But I have to do something. I have fat cow disease (of course they'd be mad, if they're fat).

Sorry for the exceptionally long post. Hopefully the next one will be sooner and shorter.

Gas is so high these days.

The price of gas is apparently my sleep. And my sanity.

If Brendan were waking up at night because he was hungry, I wouldn't be nearly as upset and stressed as I am. But he's gone from waking every four-five hours at night to waking every one-two hours, and it's not hunger, it's definitely pain. He jolts awake and cries very angrily. If I try to "pump" his legs to get him to toot, he shrieks. I rub his tummy, pump his legs, and sometimes he'll toot, sometimes he won't. This all started between three and four months of age, and I thought it started around the same time as I started taking More Milk Plus capsules to boost my production (I've always struggled to keep up with him). So I stopped taking them, but it didn't stop the gas. I tried giving him gripe water, but that didn't help (actually it seemed to make it worse, but I can't say for sure). I've tried giving him Mylicon drops after each feeding, but it doesn't help either. Brendan's been getting some cereal since he turned four months, but we've varied the type of cereal (rice and oatmeal), the amount, what it's mixed with, and when he gets it during the day (and even if he gets it at all--there've been a couple days this past week when he hasn't had any cereal at all), and that hasn't affected the gas either. Yesterday he had formula during the day (we were traveling), and before I breastfed him in the evening I pumped some and dumped off the thinner foremilk, and he was just as bad last night as any other night. I tried laying off dairy products all weekend, thinking maybe something was passing through my milk to him, but it didn't seem to matter either. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't show any other symptoms to milk allergy, lactose intolerance, or an foremilk imbalance--no diarrhea, no green frothy poo, no vomiting, no eczema, not spitting up any more than usual...I just don't understand what has changed. He's sleeping worse now than he did when we came home from the hospital (and that's when he was practically starving to death because I wasn't producing any milk at all).

As terrible as it is for me to hear his crying, I'm incredibly selfish, because I'd do just about anything to get some $%#&@$& sleep. I've never been able to nap during the day, not even when I was little. If I do manage to sleep during the day, I wake up disoriented, achy, and basically feeling worse than I did before I took the nap. I'm not expecting a full night's sleep (although I wouldn't turn it down), but I'd love to get back to when Brendan when sleeping from 10-3, nursing for an hour, and then sleeping until 10 am. I'm also concerned because I am hoping to get a long-term sub job that starts mid-April, and if I get it I'm really going to need more sleep than I'm getting...

I just have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not doing it right. Between friends, former coworkers, and former students, I know about 15 people who had babies right around the same time I did, and it seems like everyone else "gets it" but me. When people tell me that their babies slept through the night at 3 weeks old (formula or breast), it just seems like proof that I'm doing something wrong. Everyone keeps saying "all babies are different", but it sure feels like we're the odd ones out. I mean, all babies may be different, but there has to be some reason some babies sleep through the night early and some don't. People have been having babies for thousands and thousands of years without drama, so why are we at five months with no schedule yet? Some days he naps for three hours at a time, some days I'm lucky to get him to nap for fifteen minutes. Some nights he'll drop off to sleep between 9-10, as soon as I nurse him, other nights he's still wide awake and full of it at 11. And regardless of when he goes down, some nights he's awake again in 45 minutes, and some nights he stays asleep for a couple hours. Some mornings he'll go back to sleep until 9 or 10, and some mornings he's up at 6:45 with no nap in sight. It sure makes me feel like there's some trick everyone else knows but me.

With the breast feeding vs. formula, I've started to feel like there's a mom on each shoulder, instead of an angel and a devil, whispering in my ears. On the breast feeding side, I know it's the natural option--"breast is best" and all that--and the least expensive, should boost his immune system, prevent some allergies, strengthen the bond between the two of us, help me lose weight (which totally ISN'T happening), etc., etc. Plus, I fought so hard to breast feed in the first place (since my milk came in so late, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to breast feed at all). But the formula side is accumulating some heavy artillery. It's more convenient--I wouldn't have to worry about pumping and storage (if I get this sub job, I'll only have two times during the day that I can pump--I can't guarantee they won't be back-to-back because I don't know what the schedule of the classes is--I've got to figure out where I can store the milk until the end of the day, and i don't know if I'll be able to pump the amount that Brendan will consume during the day). I wouldn't have to waste any milk, since I could mix the formula as needed and not have extra. I could give him a formula that would help with the gas and whatever might be causing it. And it might get me a full night's sleep sooner rather than later. It's just really hard.

I'm sorry to just kind of go off, but I really feel like I'm just a meltdown away from thrusting him into the arms of the first person I see and running off screaming into the woods somewhere.

Everybody's sleeping but me

A friend of mine who had a baby in January just posted that her baby slept from 9:30 last night until 7:30 this morning. When I expressed my envy, she was shocked to hear that Brendan's not sleeping straight through the night. Another of my friends informed me that her baby (a month younger than Brendan) was sleeping through the night from about 3 weeks old.

What the hell am I doing wrong? I'm doing demand feeding, basically because most everyone says that the Babywise method (or any other method involving scheduled feedings) leads to babies who are undernourished, dehydrated, and failing to thrive. And yet people keep asking me if I'm letting him "cry it out" at night. It seems like the two things are incompatible; how can I feed him when he wants it during the day and yet deny him a feeding at night? I've been hoping that one night he'll just, I don't know, not wake up until morning. Without my having to ignore his crying. Because I can't stand the crying, let me just say. It raises my blood pressure and makes me feel frantic, like I should be doing everything possible to get him to stop crying. If I let him cry, I generally end up crying myself. I've tried not responding to him right away at night, but he seems to get more and more agitated and awake, rather than giving up and going back to sleep. He doesn't seem to be into self-soothing. Now, there are times when I put him down while he's still somewhat awake, and he'll sort of croon to himself for a while and then fall asleep, but that doesn't seem to apply to when he wakes up, just when he's falling asleep after a feeding. Also, I think one cause of his waking is gas, and I don't know what to do about that at all. I've tried Mylicon, and it doesn't seem to do much good. I tried gripe water, and it seemed to make things worse.

So I don't know what to do. I feel like I must be doing things wrong, since everybody's babies are sleeping through the night but mine.

Branching out and going bad

Well, several new things have happened in the past week. First and foremost (for me) we got a gym membership, so I finally got to go work out. I went swimming a couple of times. It's certainly not enough to get me to lose weight on its own, but if I can get in some other workouts too, and cut back on the crap I've been eating, maybe I can lose weight. I weighed myself at the beginning of the week, and was horrified to see that I was 221. That means I gained back some of what I lost after having the baby. Not good at all. I need to find some kind of food routine: cut back on the amount of cereal I have in the mornings, and maybe just have Carnation Instant Breakfast or something for lunch, and then REALLY cut back on the amount I eat for dinner. I need more veggies too. I notice we eat a little healthier when my father-in-law is here, so I guess I need to do some better meal planning when he isn't.

Another new thing that happened this week--today, actually--and that is the introduction of a new food. Brendan's been doing really well with the rice cereal, and we had increased his amount to two feedings each day, one around lunch and one in the evening. He makes a tremendous mess when he eats, and to help him get used to swallowing I've been feeding him on his lounger pillow rather than sitting all the way up. I should bring the high chair we inherited from my sister-in-law up from the basement and start getting him used to it. But anyway, since he has been doing well with it, I figured we should consider introducing another cereal. My husband brought home baby oatmeal (no, the oatmeal isn't a baby; it's single grain and tiny so it's easy for a baby to eat; it looks like cream of wheat) this afternoon, so we mixed it up and gave him a bowl of it for dinner. He made a face at first, because I guess it was a different flavor that what he was expecting, but he ate the whole thing willingly enough. I'm hoping the oatmeal is popular with him. According to some things I've read, rice cereal can contribute to gas and constipation (he's been really gassy lately, and he's still been doing the "poop every three to four days" routine, but from what I've read, oatmeal will have a bit of a laxative effect and also cause less gas. Maybe now he'll stop waking up three or four times each night and go back to the one to two times that we were doing. Or, God willing, sleep straight through the night for once. It's now been over a year since the last time I slept straight through the night (one of the first symptoms of pregnancy I experienced was having to pee in the middle of the night), and I'd absolutely to get a good night's sleep someday soon.

The next new thing is also gym-related: Brendan got to go to childcare at the YMCA (our gym) for the first time. He wasn't thrilled either time: apparently, the first time he cried pretty hard for a little while (they actually came looking for me, but didn't see me in the pool) and then gave up and fell asleep. The second time, he was awake when I dropped him off and so the girl was going to take him out of his carseat, but he threw an absolute hissy fit, so she popped him back in his seat and he fell asleep. He needs to get used to people other than me, because he seems to be growing more and more attached to me. He'll often cry when other people are holding him and stop when I take him. I can certainly understand why; after all, I'm the one who provides all his food, and I'm the one who puts him to bed at night. I'm almost always the one who gives him his bath. And in the evenings I'm usually the one who plays with him; everyone else eventually puts him down so they can do something else. I'm with him all day long, and I'm the one who gets up with him at night. So it doesn't surprise me at all that he wants to be with me. But people (namely my in-laws and my husband) have started to make joking comments about how I've spoiled the baby. After all, I go and pick him up when he cries, rather than letting him lay there and get progressively angrier and angrier. That must be spoiling, right? Anyway, I know everyone is joking, but it's kind of hurting my feelings. I am NOT spoiling him. I don't think it's unreasonable to pick up a crying baby. He's crying for a reason, whatever that reason may be, and if he feels secure because he knows someone will take care of him, then he should be less likely to cry unnecessarily. So I'm really teaching him when to cry and when not to. Also, it's not like I snatch him up at every little squeak. At night, I only go in and get him if he's actually crying, as opposed to just making noises. Sometimes, when he's making noises, he'll go back to sleep. I only go in after him when he's starting to work himself up. During the day, I put him down so he can entertain himself. However, he can't crawl around or even sit up unassisted, so there's a limit to what he can do when he plays. So he gets bored. Rather than leaving him down until he starts wailing, I'll pick him up for a little while, then switch him to another activity. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes he'll take a nap, usually next to me on his Boppy pillow. I suspect when he's able to move around a bit more, at least sit up while he's playing, he'll be able to go longer and longer periods without my attention. But what it boils down to is, I'm not spoiling my baby, and I'm starting to resent when people suggest, even jokingly, that I am.

Semi-solid

Well, the boy had his four-month checkup this past week. He was 15 lbs 6 oz, and 25 inches long (although I think he's a bit longer; he was squirming quite a bit while she was trying to get the measurement). Both of those are 75th percentile for his age, so he's a pretty good size I'd say. He got more vaccinations, and this time he seemed to react a bit more to them. Last time he just slept a lot and seemed out of sorts; this time he seemed to run a bit of a temperature, which I know is not uncommon, and really seemed to not be feeling well. Thankfully, by the next morning he seemed to be over both the fever and the grumpiness.

He must be going through a growth spurt right now, because he's doing what they call "cluster feeding", where he eats a number of times in a short period. All the literature says it's pretty common, and while I feel like I must not be making enough milk, the books also say that part of the reason for the multiple feedings is because suckling is soothing and helps him calm down. He does fall asleep much more easily at the end of a feeding while still attached to the breast, rather than when I put him down when he's still fairly awake. He might wake up a bit when I put him down after feeding, but generally if I gently hold his arms still for a minute or two, he's down and will stay asleep for a few hours.

Unfortunately he's also eating more at night, which is wearing me OUT. I am so freaking tired I can't see straight. Several nights straight I've just broken down at some point and cried while feeding the baby. One night I'd already been up with the boy four times, got back in bed and happened to glance at my alarm clock, to discover it was only 1:30 am and I'd only been in bed for two hours. That was one of my "break down and cry" moments. I think Brendan has had gas for some reason lately, and the gas pains have woken him up a few times. I've been trying to let him cry a little bit before going in after him, in the hopes that he'll go back to sleep. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But it still doesn't help my sleep pattern, because I lay there listening for the sounds of stirring. Combine my ready-wakefulness with my husband's snoring, and I've got a recipe for no sleep at all. It definitely is wearing me out. A friend of mine with a newborn is having her son do a sleepover with someone else (I think it's another family member, but I'm not sure from her Facebook post), and was looking forward to going to bed at 8 pm for a change. I'd love to do something like that, but at the same time I think I'd be so worried about the baby and whether or not he was having a good night that I probably wouldn't sleep well. I'd rather he just start sleeping through the night here.

One thing I'm hoping will help him sleep better is the introduction of solid food. Our pediatrician said it was OK to try him with rice cereal, so we've given him some the last couple of nights, mixed with breast milk. I can't tell if he likes it or not. He squeals the whole time he's being fed, and I'm not sure if it's happy squeals or angry squeals. It's easier to get more of the cereal into his mouth (rather than all over his face) if the baby is reclined in his pillow rather than sitting in his Bebepod, at least for now. He's getting better at not thrusting his tongue forward and pushing everything out of his mouth, but he needs a little more practice. He also seems to get annoyed when he has to sit up for long periods of time. We're working on it. Right now he's only getting one feeding of cereal, in the evening, but after a week or so we'll probably step up to two. I need to look at some of the "solid food schedules" to see what the recommended procedure is for the introduction of various foods. I do know the basic progression is cereals, veggies, fruits, and then meats, but I don't know if there's a specific order that is best to follow. We'll see.

I'll be happy to feed the kid whatever it takes so I can get some SLEEP! I realized that it's been a full year since the last time I had an uninterrupted night's sleep, since the first symptom of pregnancy I noticed was having to get up and pee in the middle of the night, when I was about a month along. That is way too damn long to go without sleeping straight through the night. I'm due, dammit!

Born to be riled

Well, we did three night of one-arm-swaddled, and then went ahead and left both arms unswaddled the last two nights. It does pose some challenges, since the boy likes to "flap", which wakes him up if he's starting to doze. It seems to help if I hold his arms still for a minute or two when I put him down; I guess it lets him get settled. He's less grumpy when he wakes up, at least, I guess since he's not having to fight the swaddle. I can hear him gurgling and cooing, and whining a little but not out and out crying like he has in the past. The biggest downside to being unswaddled seems to be that his little hands get cold, since they aren't all wrapped up. I tried putting baby socks on his hands, but he doesn't seem to like that, and he can get them off pretty easily. Last night instead of the HaloSack swaddle I put him in a Carter's bag sleeper made of fleece. I thought it might keep him a little warmer than the HaloSack, which is sleeveless and cotton. His room gets really cool at night; we set the temp in the house at 63, and I think it's probably more like 61 in his room. I should put a thermometer in there to satisfy my curiosity.

My next goal is to get him on an actual schedule during the day. Some days he naps, some days he doesn't. Sometimes it's a 15-minute nap, sometimes it's a three-hour tour.

The right to bare arms

I haven't even bothered to weigh myself. I haven't made good food choices lately, eating the wrong stuff and a lot of it. I also haven't been working out at all. I suck. Completely and totally. It never really occurred to me how much easier it was to eat better when I was out of the house and working all day. Also, it's much easier to work out, because I'm out of the house anyway so why not swing by the gym? That sounds so stupid, especially since I have work out equipment here at the house: an elliptical machine, some hand weights, even Wii Fit. But it's also terribly easy to sit on the couch, watch TV, and check Facebook compulsively. I'm lame.

But enough about me. My husband is out of town for a couple of days, and my father-in-law isn't staying with us this week, so I figured it was a good night to experiment. When I put the baby down at a little after ten, I only swaddled one arm, his left one, since it seems like he has better control of his right, and also since he tends to rub his face with his left. Instead of sleeping for 3-5 hours, like he typically does, he only slept for 2 hours. I fed him and he fell back asleep pretty quickly, so I just swaddled the one arm again and put him back down. Again, he only slept for two hours, then woke back up. That time, I went ahead and swaddled both arms. He didn't sleep that much longer with both arms swaddled, three hours instead of two, then woke up again. After I fed him, I left both arms unswaddled, put him back in his crib, and went out to walk the dog. We weren't out of the house more than ten minutes, probably not even that long, and when I came back the baby was still awake, so we went ahead and got up. He's now snoozing on his boppy pillow next to me. Anyway, the result of the experiment seems to be that he goes to sleep easier with an arm unswaddled, with less fighting, but he doesn't stay asleep as long as he does when both arms are swaddled. So it doesn't really seem like there's an appreciable benefit to leaving one arm unswaddled, at least, not yet. It could be, though, that the more often I leave him partially swaddled, the more he'll become acclimated to it, and then it won't wake him up so easily. He'll get used to it. I will try it again tonight and see how it goes. I'd like him to get used to being unswaddled, so that I don't have the huge fight on my hands that I seem to have every night these days. It wears me out.

I had a bad parent event the other night. Brendan was fighting going to sleep, pretty hard. I finally plopped him down in his crib and walked out of the room. I needed to reset my internal thermometer; I was getting really frustrated and angry. I doubt that I would ever "snap" and resort to physical violence, but I wanted to yell at the baby to shut up. I figured it was better to leave the room and count to 100. I know it's better to do that than the alternative, but I would have liked to think that I'm not likely to get frustrated and angry like that. Oh well.

One more milestone to report. Brendan sat up briefly the other night. Saturday night, I think it was. I put him in the middle of his boppy, and he held his balance for about 30 seconds before tipping over. We'll keep practicing. I know it will be months before he can get up into a sitting position on his own, but it's nice to know that he's developing the strength and balance to do it. He's still not rolling over consistently. Sometimes he'll roll over right away. Other times he'll lay there and cry and get really upset. It's like he's forgotten that rolling over is an alternative. I'm sure he'll get better at it as we keep practicing.

Super dooper pooper

No official weigh-in for me, because I haven't been working out or eating as well as I should. Haven't done much cardio, although I did crunches and flutter kicks today. I started on the elliptical machine this week, but I haven't done much (seriously; I started with one minute on Monday, two on Tuesday, three on Wednesday, and I need to do four minutes today at some point).

No official weigh-in for Brendan yet either, although he does have a checkup coming up sometime in the next few weeks. However, I did my unofficial "weigh myself holding him and then not holding him and do some math", and he's about 15 lbs. He'll be 15 weeks on Saturday. His weight puts him somewhere around the 75th percentile. Not too bad. Still, I kind of want to fatten him up a bit, and I've been feeling like I'm not producing as much milk as I need to keep up with him, so I've ordered some More Milk Plus, which is a supplement that contains fenugreek, a galactagogue that increases milk production. A good friend is using it and says it really helps. It's also been recommended to me by a number of people, so I figured I'd try it out. I don't have it yet, but I'll definitely blog about its efficacy.

Something unusual seems to be going on with the boy's digestive system. For some reason, he's not pooping regularly anymore. Over the weekend, he went two days without pooping. My husband even came home from the pharmacy with a laxative and a glycerine suppository in case we needed to "grease the wheels", so to speak, but he finally produced on his own (boy, did he. Yikes). But now, he hasn't pooped since at least Monday. He has farted off and on, although not more than usual, so I know things should be able to get through. I did give him a little of the liquid laxative this morning, only .25 ml. It says it should work in 6-12 hours, so I've still got four hours. I hope he doesn't exceed his diaper's capacity; he did move up to the larger size (size 2, 12-18 lbs) this week. If it's like it was last time, it'll be pretty impressive. Ew.

Rollin' with the homies

Just hours after I was bemoaning Brendan's lack of developmental milestones, he rolled over. Three times in a row. My husband had put him on the floor for some tummy time, and Brendan was pretty unhappy. He just leaned his head to one side and straightened his arm out, and suddenly he was on his back. Ross flipped him back over, and he immediately did it again, and then a third time. Unfortunately, he hasn't done it at all today, yet. I'm hoping maybe he'll do it again tonight.

I need to start determining a daily schedule of feedings and naps. Brendan often doesn't sleep for more than an hour during the day. That usually means he's crabby by the end of the day. I got him to sleep for about 45 minutes earlier today, and now he's sort of half-napping on my shoulder. Maybe I'll be able to get him down for a while longer; I need to work on the bumper pad for his crib. It's missing some ties, and since he's on the verge of being unswaddled at night in his crib, I need to get the bumper better attached so he can't pull it loose. If I can start getting him a little better scheduled, I can get more housekeeping tasks done. I'm lucky to get a load of laundry done, or maybe the dishwasher unloaded, or dinner made. I need to figure out how all those generations of housewives did it!

Insecurity blanket

First of all, I can get the weigh-in out of the way...215.6. So, I'm losing about a pound a week. At this rate, I'll reach my target weight sometime next year. Great. I need to pick up the pace. I have barely managed to reach my workout goals: last week I marched around the house for 15-20 minutes on Monday and Wednesday, and Friday all I did was 50 crunches. Monday of this week I marched for almost 30 minutes; today I haven't done anything yet. There is roll class tonight for the local paddling club, but I don't think I'm going to go; I have to tutor until the time roll class starts, and if you factor in the time it would take to get there and get home in time to get Brendan to bed by 10, I'd only be there for an hour or so. Not sure if I want to go pay $10 for just that. I might wait until I have a clear evening, maybe one when Ross can go too. Then we can take Brendan with us and maybe get him into a swimming pool for the first time. Not sure yet.

Anyway, I need to make sure I work out at some point today, at least for a few minutes. Also, I need to be better about food. I've fallen back into some bad food habits. Part of my problem is that I'm still eating like I did when I was pregnant, in other words, I'm eating everything and lots of it. I know I need to make sure I'm eating enough to keep my milk production up, but I need to start being choosier about what I select to eat. I've eaten a lot of candy, cake, and ice cream lately, and that's not a good idea for any kind of weight loss program. I need to monitor my portion sizes as well.

As far as the boy goes, he's just a-growing away. I don't have any kind of official measurements, so I don't know where he is on the scale, but I'm a little disappointed in some of his milestones. A friend of mine has a baby boy who was due the day after Brendan but was born several weeks later. Despite the fact he's a few weeks younger, he's bigger (both longer and heavier), his head is bigger, and he's already rolled over from tummy to back. Brendan hasn't rolled over at all, and while he smiles a fair amount he hasn't laughed at all, at least not that I've heard. So it makes me feel like we're behind in some race. I know that's stupid, and I know babies all develop at a different pace, but it bothers me that Brendan isn't keeping up with a kid who is several weeks younger. It's not a competition, but it does make me feel like somehow I'm not doing enough to work on his developmental skills. How insecure am I?

Anyway, we just need to keep on going. Hopefully we'll get a roll over soon. Also, we're about to the point of needing to give up the swaddling for good. He is regularly getting an arm loose, or at least spending a lot of time fighting to do so. If he starts doing that, and rolling over, we'll definitely have to give it up. I need to do a little prep work for that: the bumper in his crib is missing some ties, so it is loose and not even attached in a few places. If he gets hold of it and pulls it off, well, it would be bad. Gotta get some fabric to make ties for it, ASAP.

Exceeding the diaper

Oh boy. It is time to move the boy up to the next size of diapers. He's about 14 lbs right now, based on my unscientific method of weighing myself while holding him and then again without him. He's also about 25 inches long, if my dressmaker's tape measure can be believed. Anyway, his current diaper size is 8-14 lbs. The next size actually runs 12-18 lbs. So I had to go in and change my Amazon Mom subscription.

Amazon.com has a great service called Amazon Mom. You can purchase baby and maternity stuff at a discount and get discounted shipping. The more you buy, the better the discount. And you can actually subscribe to supplies like diapers, wipes, and formula. They'll automatically ship it to you each month. We only got one shipment of the current size diapers (252 diapers for 29.99 and free shipping), and we're only halfway through that box. He may have some diapers leftover from that bunch...the new box o' diapers starts this way on the 28th.

Anything to keep the poo from escaping...

Bigfoot sighting and other large hairy mammals

I've been in a suck-ass, bitchy mood lately. Pretty much every time I put on a different pair of footwear, I get mad all over again because my feet are bigger now than they were before I got pregnant. There's no telling how many pairs of my shoes I'll have to replace, to say nothing of my ski boots and snowboard boots. It's very frustrating, to say nothing of an expense we really can't afford. Definitely sucks.

Then, I've also gotten tired of being fat. I've lost over 20 lbs from my highest pregnancy weight, but I'm sitting at close to my heaviest non-pregnancy weight. My body has also just plain changed shape thanks to the pregnancy, so every time I dress up in anything other than t-shirts and track pants I find items of clothing that don't fit. I've got to do something, but I can hardly find time during the day to get a shower OR do some laundry OR change out the dishes in the dishwasher. I have no idea how to work in a workout (haha).

Today the best I could do, with a cranky baby monopolizing my time, was march in place and around the house as I did some chores (made a bed and put away some laundry). I did it for at least 15 minutes, so maybe I got my heart rate up a little. But that's a pretty feeble effort, and I'm pretty sure it won't get me much weight loss. All I can really commit to at this point is to try to get 15 minutes three times this week (MWF). If I can make that, then maybe I can start working on a way to get more than that in somewhere. It's not much of a start, for sure, but at least it is a start.

Starting my weight loss journey

I was supposed to be starting my weight loss journey with a "Biggest Loser" style competition on a moms' forum that I use, but I haven't been able to log in yet. If the administrator doesn't get me set up today, it'll save me the $5 participation fee, but I'll lose some of the motivation of everyone else on the forum knowing what a fatass I am. You win some, you lose some, I suppose.

Anyway, since I had waited (weighted?) for today, I guess I need to start out with my weigh-in...

218.6

The irony is that this weigh-in is almost exactly the same as my weigh-in just over five years ago, when my husband and I made a decision to start losing weight. That was November 1, 2005. By July of 2006, I was down to 175 lbs, 25 lbs from my goal weight of 150. And then, the wheels fell off, so to speak. I got bored, I got lazy, and I gained it all back.

So now I'm trying to lose it all again. But I need to find exercises I can do at home, since I don't have a gym membership anymore, and exercises I can do in a short period of time, since I have the baby with me all day long. I can't do those three-hour workouts that I used to do.

I suspect this is going to take a lot longer than it did the last time. I just hope it also lasts longer...