Tired

Couldn't even think of a witty title, I'm so tired. Still not sleeping through the night. Still not losing weight. Still not enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Work has taken a toll on breastfeeding. With my class schedule, I can only pump twice, and with grading, student questions, and other disruptions, some days I only pump once. Even with two-a-days, I'm rarely able to pump enough for more than one bottle. I was able to pump about 8 oz when I started, but now I'm down to about 4 oz, even while still taking fenugreek. This slow-down in production is corresponding to the boy starting to push me away after only nursing for a few minutes. I was wondering if it was because he wasn't getting milk fast enough; the sitter said he was doing the same thing to his bottle. So today the sitter used a faster flow nipple on the bottle, and he chowed down. Makes me think that my breastfeeding days are numbered. I've still got two weeks left of work, and I'm sure as long as I keep trying to pump I'll be able to at least make it until then. But I don't know if my supply will increase again after I'm able to stay home for a few days. Maybe I should just call it.

Of course, on the plus side, if I'm not breastfeeding anymore, I can start kicking the hubby awake to bottle feed the boy in the middle of the night...

Go the F*ck to Sleep

OK, my husband found this "book" on the Internet. No book I have ever seen up to this point in my life has so accurately identified my life. Seriously. Sure, the language is inappropriate, but it's just so true.

Go the F*uck to Sleep

This is HILARIOUS.

Took a postpartum depression quiz online...

According to a quiz I took on pediatrics.about.com:

"You may have one or more of the signs of postpartum depression. Be sure to get a further evaluation from your doctor.

Remember that some of these signs, including sudden mood swings and feeling impatient, irritable, restless, anxious, lonely, and sad, can be associate with baby blues, but they should only last for up to two weeks after the delivery of your baby and they shouldn't be as strong or intense as you may have with PPD.

You said that you have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:

Feeling restless or irritable.
Feeling sad, depressed or crying a lot.
Having no energy.
Not being able to sleep or being very tired, or both.
Overeating and weight gain.
Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions.
Feeling worthless and guilty.
Being afraid of hurting the baby or yourself.
No interest or pleasure in activities, including sex.

You said that you do not have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:

Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart being fast and feeling like it is skipping beats), numbness, or hyperventilation (fast and shallow breathing).
Not being able to eat and weight loss.
Being overly worried about the baby.
Not having any interest in the baby.

No one knows for sure what causes postpartum depression (PPD). Hormonal changes in a woman's body may trigger its symptoms. During pregnancy, the amount of two female hormones, estrogen and progesterone, in a woman's body increase greatly. In the first 24 hours after childbirth, the amount of these hormones rapidly drops and keeps dropping to the amount they were before the woman became pregnant. Researchers think these changes in hormones may lead to depression, just as smaller changes in hormones can affect a woman's moods before she gets her menstrual period.

It is important to know that postpartum depression (PPD) is treatable and that it will go away. The type of treatment will depend on how severe the PPD is. PPD can be treated with medication (antidepressants) and psychotherapy. Women with PPD are often advised to attend a support group to talk with other women who are going through the same thing. If a woman is breastfeeding, she needs to talk with her health care provider about taking antidepressants. Some of these drugs affect breast milk and should not be used."

It has occurred to me that I haven't had a cry-free day since I had my son over six months ago. I need to be really careful that I'm not drifting into dangerous waters, so to speak. I feel a little better about myself since I started back to work, but I still am frustrated and tired when it comes to the boy. I just wish he'd sleep, and sleep without a lot of drama trying to GET him to sleep.

Anyway, just interesting to consider the possibilities.

My Mother's Day wish

Well, we're approaching my first Mother's Day as a mom. I remember thinking last year, when I was pregnant, that I couldn't wait until I had my baby and could be a mom. And now that my baby is six months old, and I'm about to celebrate being a mom, I have been thinking about the holiday. Several people have asked me "what do you want for Mother's Day?" Of course, the first thing I wanted I already have, a wonderful family. But as for other things, I have considered baby gear, like a bike trailer and jogging stroller. I mean, summer is coming, I need the exercise, and I'm a lot more likely to get it if I can take the baby with me. I'm thinking about the summer and wondering if I should make arrangements with Brendan's sitter so that I can drop him off a couple days each week and then get things done like housekeeping, shopping, etc. without having to worry about him. It's $25 a day for the sitter, and I don't know what her summer schedule will be, since I'm sure the other kids she watches are not on the mommy-is-a-teacher schedule that Brendan is. But it would be nice to make sure that he's still going to daycare for a number of reasons: 1) he'll be less likely to develop separation anxiety if he continues going a few days each week; 2) he'll keep developing his social skills by playing with the other kids (they're all older than he is, but they totally love playing with him); 3) I'll be able to get things done at home (including napping) without having to worry about him every minute. I'm not sure if it's financially feasible, but I really do want to think about it.

But back to what I want for Mother's Day. Other than things like liposuction and personal training, I guess the one thing I want is a day off. Not that I don't want to be a mom; I just want to be absolved of my duties for a day. Or even just for a night. Someone could just get me a hotel room, and I'd go there and sleep for twelve hours without a dog pawing at me, or anyone snoring but me, or anyone waking me up to eat or be rocked. That sounds really selfish, now that I look at it. But I think one good night's sleep might go a long way to recharging my batteries.

Anyway, I don't know that I am getting anything in particular for Mother's Day. So maybe I just need to ask for patience. If I can just hang on until the boy gets a little older and sleeps a little better...