Another summer is coming to an end...

Although I have another week left before I have to go back to school, I feel like today is my last "real" day of summer, because it's my last day alone at home.  Of course everyone will be home over the weekend, and next week my husband is taking off from work to spend time with me, since our fifteenth anniversary is next Thursday.  Then we'll go camping next weekend, and then it's back to a new school year.  While I'm very glad my husband is taking some time off work, it is a conflicting feeling, because I also jealously guard my summers as "me time". 

This summer has been one that has afforded me very little "me time", and I feel like I'm not very rested or prepared to start work again.  Usually I have a full summer to do what I want, when I want.  Our sitter has typically watched the boys four days a week, meaning I only have to deal with them at home by myself for one day each week.  Last summer I went to the movies almost every week.  I get to do chores around the house without interruption, I get to work out when I want, and I get to take naps if I feel like it.  But this summer has not been that way at all. 

I've been busy from the very beginning.  The end of the school year coincided with my younger son's second birthday, and so I had company in town.  Then I started a three-week, eight-hour-a-day writing course that had so much homework I ended up spending an extra two to three hours each day working on.  Although the daily class ended after three weeks, we still had another week and a half of writing before the end of the course, so I still wasn't doing other activities.  All this was punctuated with several trips to Wyoming to visit family and go camping.  After the 4th of July, our sitter cut back from watching the boys every day to watching them three week days each week.  The week after my course finally ended, a friend of ours was coming to visit.  She's not really on a schedule with this particular trip, and so instead of arriving on Tuesday (when I initially expected her) or Wednesday or Thursday (when she had said she'd be coming in), she didn't arrive until Sunday.  Sure, that was a whole week to myself, but it was a week spent cleaning, getting ready for the visit, and following her texts, phone calls, and Facebook posts.  She required a bit of guidance to get to Billings, so my time was spent on that instead of on me.  [Gosh, it sounds so selfish when I write it like that.]  Much of the next week was a trip to Yellowstone with my husband and our friend.  Then home, and four very long days with the kids bouncing off the walls after not seeing us for part of a week.  Our friend stayed with us for another two weeks after our Yellowstone trip, so I had to play hostess all that time.  We were very happy to have her come see us, but it meant that I had to think about activities to do and places to go, and make things to eat.  I couldn't sit back and just be my own lazy self.  After she left, I had to deal with the boys for the weekend of course, and then I finally got a week to my self.  I went to the movies, I flopped on the couch and watched tv, and I got some long-needed chores done (well, one of them).  This has been a nice week, just decompressing after everything that's been on the schedule this summer.  But it's just been this one week.  Next week, my husband has the week off, and we will finish the week by getting in one last camping trip with the in-laws, and then...*poof* summer's over. 

I guess I really need to get rid of the perception that summertime is "me time".  I suspect we are getting close to the time when the boys will not be going to the sitter at all during the summer.  I may only get one more summer, maybe, that is "me time", and then I'll have the boys to deal with.  At least by then they should be better behaved and capable to going to public places without being complete boogers.  I hope.

DAMN am I fat.

So, my company left today.  While it was great to have her here, it's something of a relief to not have to plan any activities, cook actual meals, or generally attempt to be more interesting than I am.  It will be nice to have a little time to myself without feeling like I need to entertain someone else.  I have two full weeks left before I have to show up for the beginning of another school year, so I have a little decompression time.  But I have so much stuff to get done around the house!  Argh!  All summer long I had expected to be working on these projects--rearranging the linen closet, sorting through the boys' clothes, cleaning up the utility closet, that sort of thing.  All I've managed to get done so far is get the linen closet emptied and get half of the contents washed and put away.  That's it.  Pretty big disappointment. 

All this sitting around and eating these dinners I've cooked hasn't been good for the ol' waistline, either.  It sounds really stupid, but when I cook a meal, I feel obligated to eat it, and the leftovers too.  So I've been eating way more than I should, and of course I haven't been exercising.  I did go on a two-hour horseback ride yesterday, which is the most physical activity I've had all summer.  I knew my weight hadn't improved any; it's been sitting steady at close to 240.  But I didn't realize how bad I really look.  My friend has been taking occasional pictures on this trip, and I've ended up in a few of them. 

Looking at these pictures, I cannot deny how horrifyingly fat I am.  I don't see much of myself most of the time.  In mirrors, I see myself from mid-torso up.  Sure, I know I'm fat, but all I see is that view, straight on.  I don't see my legs, my thighs, my ass, and I don't have a real perspective on my stomach other than that it's there and it's big.  But in these pictures my friend is taking?  Holy shit, I am a fucking beast.  It doesn't help that my friend, who has been in some of the pictures with me, is a petite size 4 in comparison to my size 20.  But even without her in it...I am FAT.  No denying it.  Here's the thing...when I see obese people, I sometimes think to myself, "Well, yeah, I'm fat, but at least I don't look that bad."  But you know what?  I DO look that bad.  I look horrible. 

I have been desperately afraid that she's going to tag me in these photos.  I look awful, and I don't want all these other people on Facebook to know that.  I also need to lose weight.  As we've established before, I'm not very good at that.  I have two weeks left before school starts, and I need to figure out a way to lose maximum weight in that amount of time.  I didn't eat very well earlier today--I had fast food for lunch.  But for these last two weeks, I'm going to have to really cut back.  I also need to go to the gym every day.  I'd like to get up in the mornings and do a 3-mile walk as well, since I'm supposed to do one on August 24.  I just hope I can do something about this.  I look TERRIBLE, and I'm so embarrassed about it.