Day 55 - 2/24/09

Weigh-in: 195.8

Well, I'm still hovering around the same basic weight from day to day, give or take, but that basic weight is very slowly dropping.  I'm certainly not going to make the kind of progress I had hoped for, especially since it's only about two weeks until our big kayaking trip.  But at least I am, for the most part, making progress.

But at the same time that I make this little progress, it seems that everything else is going backwards.

They always say "when it rains, it pours" and "bad things come in threes" and other such sayings about trouble coming in packs.  It certainly seems to be true--celebrities seem to die in groupings, tragedies within a group of people seem to occur together.  Here in our school community, we lose parents, cousins, grandparents, other family members, and friends in groupings.

But in regular daily life, it doesn't necessarily require "events" to cause pain and torment.  Rather, it seems it's just a gradual increase of unhappiness, only needing one actual "event" perhaps to become the proverbial straw for the camel.

Every year we live in the South adds some unhappiness to our lives.  We did not ever intend to live here this long.  All the things we like to do (water sports, winter sports) are not easily found in the surrounding area.  We've wanted to move for years, but we haven't ever found jobs or anything like that, and we don't have the money saved up to buy a house.  So that's been frustrating; we've only recently begun trying to save for that.

But as we've stayed, we've grown less and less happy with our jobs.  Oh, mine is fine, for the most part; I love teaching, but I'm tired of having technology shoved at me and forced into my curriculum.  My school is very "cutting edge", and the teachers are expected to use as much technology as possible, with less regard for the actual usefulness.  It's all about appearances.  All this has eaten into my planning periods and my free time, time I would normally use to plan lessons and grade papers.  It's also very stressful; we all feel like maybe our jobs could be in question if we don't utilize all our technology.  I doubt they'll actually fire anyone, but it's still disconcerting.

My husband's job is even less happy.  Changes in ownership and management have changed the power structure of the company; although my husband has technically received "promotions", he has actually moved down the power structure.  He used to be included in planning and implementation decisions; now he feels he's been reduced to a button-pusher.  He's looked for jobs, but the economy and job market being what they are, he hasn't found anything in any of the markets where we'd like to relocate.  And he's being sent to FL, where the company's corporate headquarters are located, for a week and a half, at pretty much the worst time they could send him--I'm also supposed to be out of town, and then we're supposed to go kayaking; we're going to have a hard time paying for these tickets even though we get reimbursed for them after the fact, and who is going to watch the dog for this period of time?

Sorry, this whole thing probably seems really incoherent, but I'm just really disappointed with how everything is working out (or not working out), and I'd really like to do something to make my husband happier, but I don't know what to do.  I'm just frustrated, and tired.

Day 51 - 2/20/09

Weigh-in: 195.0

Wow.  Didn't expect that.  And then I went and f***ed it up by going to a Chinese buffet for dinner tonight.  I'm expecting 198 tomorrow morning--that'll teach me.

Day 50 - 2/19/09

Weigh-in: 196.8

Not sure what did it.  I did eat a little earlier than usual yesterday and then went to kayaking roll class at a local pool, so perhaps it was that combination.  Or maybe I just got really super dehydrated.  Anyway, I'll take it.

Have you ever considered all the stuff you have to buy when you have a child?  I'm not even talking about things like diapers, clothes, food...I'm just talking furniture.  Think about all the items you should have in the baby's room.

Crib--you know, for hundreds of years parents have tossed their babies into cribs with nary a second thought.  But now they have all these regulations about the cribs.  No pillows, no big stuffed toys, no bulky blankets.  Make sure old cribs don't have lead paint.  Don't use cribs with cut-out openings or space between slats big enough for the baby's head to get stuck.  No decorative attachments or finials that can catch on the baby's clothes.  How did any of us ever survive?  At this point, a cardboard box sounds safer.  Oh no, wait...fire hazard.  

Changing Table--washable.  Padded.  Tall rim around the outside so baby can't roll off.  Security straps to put on baby, just in case.  And never, ever leave baby unattended.  Well, duh!  Seems to me the security straps are just as dangerous as the drop to the floor might be.  You need somewhere to store the diapers, creams, wipes, and powders that you can access but baby can't.  And it might help if the design can be converted into a dresser or desk for when baby grows older.  I didn't know Transformers made furniture.  What exactly does this magical table look like?  And does a kid really want a desk that he or she has pooped on?

Rocking Chair--if you don't have one of these in the child's room, you are a fool.  Why lug the kid all through the house when you can rock him or her back to sleep and pop the little nugget back in the crib?  Again, no lead paint of course.  Long, fairly flat rockers so the child can't climb up on the chair and flip it as he/she gets older.  Comfortable enough that you are not going to get pressure sores on your butt from all the sitting and rocking you are going to have to do.  

And that's not even getting into the non-permanent furniture items, such as the high chair, bassinet, play pen, baby bouncy seat, car seat, stroller...

How much money is this going to cost?

Day 47 - 2/16/09

Weigh-in: 197.4

Well, this whole thing has been a total failure so far.  I have been unable to motivate myself to work out.  With only three weeks left before my Spring Break and the two trips I'll be taking then, it is unlikely that I will be able to lose significant weight by then.  But I can't give up.  If I don't do this, I'll never get to the point, health-wise, that I can have kids.  So I have to figure out a way to do this.

I took some measurements today in the hope that I can give myself more motivation and more ways to gauge my progress.

Upper arm--15 inches

Bust--46 inches

Chest--38 inches

Waist--39 inches

Belly--43 inches

Hips--48 inches

Upper thigh--27 inches

Calf--17 inches

I at least made a surprising amount of progress this past weekend, somehow.  I didn't think I ate particularly well--lots of pasta and bread--and I didn't get a whole lot of exercise other than walking a few blocks too and from my car.  But somehow I ended up two pounds lighter than when I left.  Not sure how that happened.  If I can duplicate that every four days, like this past weekend, I can still lose 12 lbs by the time I go kayaking.  

Let's see if I can get off my fat ass.

Day 40 - 2/9/09

Weigh-in: 198.8

Well, I got a little help from a rather unexpected (and unwanted) source yesterday. Went kayaking with my husband and some friends. Well, I say kayaking, but must less time was spent actually in the boat with paddle in head than I spent either swimming in the river (in February in Missouri, with ice floating downstream) or climbing the bluff alongside the river and hiking through the forest to get to where my boat had stopped to wait for me. Meh.

Anyway, it's over a 1 lb drop from the day before, so I'll take it. But I sure am tired and sore today.

I'm supposed to be starting my "12 weeks to weight loss" plan from About.com today, but I'm struggling with that age-old problem of motivation. Will I give in to temptation and just go home to my husband, dog, and television? Or will I battle on and fight the Monday night crowds at the gym? Stay tuned.

Oh, on another note, I found a BMR calculator online. BMR stands for Basal Metabolic Rate. It's supposed to show on the average how many calories your body uses daily, just to remain the same. My BMR, for a 34-year-old overweight female, was 1680. That means if I were to not exercise at all beyond my day to day activities at work and home, I would stay completely the same weight if I ate 1680 calories each day--no loss, no gain. Now, a more active person will have a much higher BMR, since they're burning more calories each day. The higher your BMR, the better shape you are in. I'm sure Michael Phelps has a BMR of something ridiculous, like 6000 (and that doesn't count the munchies). Anyway, for the most part I am not staying under that 1680 calories, which is where the exercise comes in. Again, we'll see what I can do today. I'm sore and beat up from my swims and hikes of yesterday, so I can't promise anything fantastic.

Day 38 - 2/7/09

Weigh-in: 200.4

It could have been so much worse.  We had Pizza Hut's ultimate bacon-mac-and-cheese for dinner, along with breadsticks and their little mini fried apple pies.  Yum!  But oh so bad.  Today probably won't give me good results tomorrow.  Didn't eat healthy (although I had a lot of salads today), and the only exercise was an hour at the driving range.  Not really a cardio activity.

I'm trying something else new.  I Googled "weight loss fitness plan", and came up with a search result for About.com.  When I looked at it, it offered a free 12-week weight loss plan, complete with exercises, dieting tips, and a calendar to track progress.  It asks for you to start out by recording your weight and measurements.  While I am painfully aware of my weight, I have not done any measuring of myself.  I guess I need to do that; it should give me another way to tell if I'm having any success.

The first day, which will be Monday for me (we'll be kayaking tomorrow), focuses on interval training for cardio.  It also suggests starting out just journaling the food consumption but not changing anything about the diet yet.  I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the food issue this week.  Perhaps I can make a few dishes at the beginning of the week and stretch them out across the week.  We'll see.

Day 37 - 2/6/09

Weigh-in: 199.6

Day 36 - 2/5/09

Weigh-in: 200.4

Yes, I know.  I have made zero progress.  I have not been to the gym in weeks now, and I'm running out of excuses.  I guess that could be a good thing.  I do plan on going today after work, and I'd like to go tomorrow morning and then maybe hit the driving range in the afternoon.  We did that last weekend, and it was nice to get out.

I've been really down lately.  I've been unhappy about my weight, unhappy about my work, and I've just sort of let my emotions spiral down the toilet.  I didn't realize that I was neglecting my husband so badly until last night when we had the first long serious talk we've had since...well, I guess since our drive in December where we discussed the idea of children.  We had some disappointments lately--trouble with our house and landlord, family issues, money problems, and a job possibility for my husband in the town we'd love to move to that ended up washing out--and I guess I've let it get to me in more ways than I had realized.

Anyway, it was nice to talk to my husband and get some of these worries and concerns that we both have but hadn't shared with each other before out in the open.  It made me realize that we were actually both stressing about some of the same things, but we hadn't talked to each other about them.  My husband is my best friend, and when I come to the realization that I haven't been sharing my troubles with him, well, that's when I realize my priorities have gotten seriously out of whack.

So I've thought about the things in my life that I really need to focus on.

1) Family

I need to make sure that I always make time for my husband.  It isn't fair for me to wallow in self-pity every day, dragging myself out of bed in the mornings, spending my evenings with my face glued to the computer, and burrowing into the bed at night without talking to him and finding out about his day.  I also need to do a better job of communicating, with him and with the rest of my family.  Since my mom died, my contact with my family has been my weekly phone call to my dad (which might last between 15-30 minutes for most weeks) and the occasional random e-mail or phone conversation with my brother.  I really think I might have only talked to him twice last month.  As my husband pointed out last night, sure he doesn't always call me, but when was the last time I called him?

2) Health

I need to take better care of myself.  No more letting my bad eating habits gang up on me.  No more workout avoidance.  If I can't do something to help myself, I may have to spring for a fitness trainer.  I can't move on with my life if this is the best I can do, because it will always end up consuming me (the irony, I know).

3) Finances

I need to stop spending.  That movie Confessions of a Shopaholic is out in theatres, and I'm not really needing to see it because, heck, I've lived it.  I love to buy things.  Not just clothes, things.  Books, movies, CDs, video games, etc.  I'm always itching to spend money on something.  Well, we'll never be able to afford to move to a better house, buy nicer furniture, or have a kid and the expenses that come with it if I can't get a rein on things.  We did come up with a plan, sort of, that involves using our tax refund (thank God that's coming) to pay off some credit cards, funneling the money from those payments and our truck payment (since it's almost paid off) towards other cards and savings.  Maybe in a few years we'll be lucky and persistent enough to have saved for a down payment on a house (assuming housing prices don't rocket backup).

4) Work

I've been half-assing it for a while at work, I guess, and I didn't realize it until this year, when I finally had to compare myself to another teacher who teaches the same class I do (I've never had to share a class before).  She's efficient, she's organized, she prepares everything well in advance...basically, everything I DON'T do.  She'll ask me for lesson plans or a syllabus so she can pattern her class on mine, and I'll have to whomp one together because I don't have one.  Her class is way ahead of mine when it comes to the texts they're reading, and even she admitted to me the other day that she was "worried they wouldn't get it all done" before the end of the year.  Well, if SHE'S stressed about packing it all in, imagine how I've been feeling!  I've got to start preparing ahead of time and sticking to the plan.  I guess I shouldn't really teach by the seat of my pants, as it were.

5) Home

I need to plan out some basic chores at the house--dishes, laundry, trash removal, dusting, vacuuming--and do them at the same time each day or each week.  Otherwise things pile up and get nasty, and the more nasty they get the less I want to take care of them anyway.  Maybe my house wouldn't be such a piece of crap if I tried to take better care of it.

Well, these are the things I need to focus on.  I hope I can.  Otherwise, my mental health will become more of a problem than my physical health has become.

Day 34 - 2/3/09

Weigh-in: 198.4

Yeah, I know.  It's all the same.  To be expected.  I'm working on it.  The usual, you know.  But in the meantime, I thought the above cartoon summed it all up.

Day 32 - 2/1/09

Weigh-in: ???

I forgot to weigh in this morning.  I'll have to weigh in tonight, but it'll be weird because it'll will include all the food and beer I consume today during the game.  Well, at least it'll make it easy to lose weight this week.  Of course, I haven't lost any weight the rest of the time, so it's making it that much harder to get to my goal by the middle of March.  *sigh*

Here I am, first day in February, and I have nothing to show for the month of January.  I did well the first week working out, did so-so the second week, and did nothing the rest of the time.  I had so many excuses--sick, busy, I'll do it later, I'll eat better instead--but excuses won't do anything for my weight loss plan.

So I need to get back on it tomorrow, regardless of how late I'm up tonight and how tired I am in the morning.  

Meh.