Oh, what a difference a year makes.

I haven't been very good at blogging, which disappoints me, because I really do enjoy writing. I just haven't felt that I've had much to write about. But here I am at an anniversary, so I feel like this is a good time for a post.

Today's weigh-in: 179.6.

This is not quite my lowest weight in the year I've been on the ketogenic (HF/LC) diet, but it's close. I think my best weight was 177.8, some time last week. One thing I've learned about this diet is that it has a lot of ups and downs, both literally and figuratively. My weight can fluctuate within three or four pounds pretty easily. That is really frustrating, but it's also usually pretty easily handled. I have also found that some foods don't work for me. Anything with ground beef, whether it's in burger form, tacos, chili, whatever, seems to trigger some kind of water retention. I typically gain a couple of pounds after eating something like that, and usually lose it in the next few days (side note: tomorrow will probably see such a gain, as I had a cheat day today: it was Indian taco day at school today, and hell yes I had one). Something that seems to help me lose quick weight is a fat fast. Unlike our regular ketogenic diet, which puts our fat intake between 60-70% of our calories, the fat fast is more like 80-90% fat. One that I had read about that seems to work well for me is to eat about a brick of cream cheese a day, and that's it. I know that sounds weird, but it works. Another thing that seems to work for both me and my husband is to have scrambled eggs and bacon or sausage for dinner. The mornings after those dinners, we usually find that we've lost weight from the day before.

Anyway, the upshot (or downshot, or whatever) of all of this is that I've lost about 50lbs in the past year. That's pretty impressive, considering it's entirely from the diet; there has been no change in my physical activity. I walk 2-3 miles almost every weekday, with the dog. That's it, though. I do feel that my physical activity level will have to increase, though, because my weight loss has slowed to a crawl. I doubt that I will be able to lose a whole lot more without a change in my exercise plan. I don't know what would be best, jogging, weight lifting, or plyometrics, but I don't have a lot of options because we don't have our gym membership anymore. I need to figure out how to work out at home, when the boys aren't here (because they must be involved when they're home. yay).

I don't have an official goal as far as my weight loss is concerned. I honestly didn't think I'd manage to hang on this long. I struggled with the ketogenic diet mightily at the beginning (I just went back and reread my posts from a year ago, and they were hilarious in a sad, depressed sort of way). Having done it for a year now, I do think it is something I can continue, with occasional cheat meals (like Indian taco day at school). If I can get below 174, I'll beat the lowest weight I achieved back in 2007 when we worked out so much. If I could get below 155 (which I doubt very much), I'd be down to the weight I was at when I graduated high school. My lowest ever adult weight was about 123, but of course that was through very unhealthy means, so it doesn't really count.

I'm proud of myself for working through the difficulties at the beginning of the diet, and sticking with it this long. I've found lots of resources, mostly on Pinterest, for recipes that we've been able to use. I have high hopes that I'll at least lose a few more pounds, and that I'll be able to maintain my weight after that. Now I intend to improve my fitness...stay tuned.

So much for my plan of blogging more often...

My last post was right before school got out for the summer. It's now been a week and a half since school started again, and I'm only now just posting...so much for my grand plan of posting more regularly and more often. Oh well.

Weigh-in: 185.8. This is about 1.5 lbs up from yesterday, but we had a pretty epic cheat day yesterday, hosting a fantasy football draft party at our house. I still feel like I ate better and less than I historically would have at such an event, but I certainly didn't stick to the low carb plan. I feel a bit lethargic and bloated today, and I'm sure that has something to do with it. I probably should do a fat fast this week. I'll wait and see if I drop some water weight this week before doing anything specific.

I'm about a month and a half from doing this low carb diet for a full year. I have to admit, this has been the only diet I've ever stuck to. But it's pretty clear that my weight loss has slowed significantly. I hit 185 back in mid July, and two months later I'm still at approximately the same weight. I need to make some changes, and I'm pretty sure those changes are going to have to come in the form of physical activity.

It isn't that I haven't been active; I walk (with a slight bit of jogging) between 2.5-3 miles most mornings. But obviously that isn't make a significant impact. Last summer I was doing the same thing, and didn't lose any weight at all until we made the dietary change. So I need to figure out something else. Most of what I read suggests that weights and intervals are the way to go. With the weather changing and getting icky outside (snow closed the mountain passes yesterday), I wonder if I should consider a treadmill...

There But For The Grace Of God...

I've been lying awake stewing over this particular issue long enough this morning to feel compelled to post, but it might cost me some friends. The accident at the zoo in which the gorilla was shot and killed to protect the 4-year-old boy who crawled into the enclosure was a terrible, terrible thing. It was a perfect storm of things that went wrong: an enclosure that was apparently not as secure as everyone thought, a mom who didn't take her son seriously when he said he wanted to go see the gorilla up close, you name it. But I am not ranting about the existence of zoos, or the choice to shoot to kill rather than tranquilize, or any of that. I am ranting about those people who are posting things calling that mother a "bitch", saying she should have her children taken away from her, saying she should be shot and killed as "Justice for Harambe". You know what? You are a f*cking terrible person. Let me explain why I feel this way right now. I have read comment after comment from people basically saying the same thing: "She is a bad parent because she let her child out of her sight. She is at fault. She is a terrible person and should be punished. [Here's where it really gets me steamed.] One of the following: I DON'T HAVE KIDS, BUT IF I DID, THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO THEM BECAUSE I WOULD WATCH THEM LIKE A HAWK. Or I WATCH MY CHILDREN 100% OF THE TIME; THAT EXPLAINS WHY NOTHING BAD LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO MY CHILDREN." I'm sorry, but if you believe that you are the reason nothing bad has happened to your kids, that you have kept an eye on them 100% of the time, round the clock, YOU ARE AN SANCTIMONIOUS IDIOT. No parent is perfect. And nobody, not a single person, not even the Immaculate Mary, has watched their kid 100% of the time. It's not possible. The reason nothing bad has happened to your kid is because you are lucky or blessed. And let's face it, nobody is always lucky or blessed. If you think you are a perfect parent and better than everyone else, I invite you to unfriend me right now. Because everyone makes mistakes. We don't all make the same mistakes, and we don't all make them in the same places. One of the thoughts that went through my mind when I read the news story was, Thank God that wasn't Brendan. Because kids are like Weeping Angels from Doctor Who: they are fast, faster than you can believe, and so you'd better not blink. Because there will come a day that you SWEAR you are watching your kid 100% of the time but you suddenly realize they aren't standing right next to you in the women's department of Target, or they aren't still playing on the floor with their legos, or they aren't on the swing on the playground even though they were JUST THERE, or God forbid you hear a screech of tires and realize your child is running into the street after a ball even though you've told him 100 times to never do that. The kid apparently told his mom he wanted to go in and see the gorilla, and she should have taken that seriously. But kids also say things like, "I'm going to go live on the moon" and "I'm going to marry my teddy bear." And you're supposed to magically know when to take that comment seriously? How do you know when a kid is going to act on something? YOU DON'T. The woman also had several children with her; should she have had another adult with her to help her with the load? Perhaps, but why does this suddenly justify a thousand Internet comments screaming for her head? Yes, a terrible, terrible accident has occurred, and heartbreakingly an animal has lost its life because of it. But if you think that this justifies death threats towards this parent, and you AREN'T A PARENT: Shut the f*ck up. And if you ARE A PARENT and you are spewing this crap right now, I want you to repeat after me: THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I. Because it COULD be your kid, no matter how awesome of a parent you THINK you are. So shut the f*ck up. YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIAL MEDIA. Go ahead and do us both a favor and click "Unfriend" now. Rant over.

Ingratitude

I feel like an ungrateful beast a lot of times. I have life pretty good. I have a husband who loves me, two healthy kids, full-time employment...basically, everything I need. But I spend a lot of time being sad and depressed, when I don't have anything to be sad and depressed about. Depression is a bitch, because not only does it make a person feel awful, but can also remind that person that they shouldn't feel awful, and then that person feels awful about feeling awful.

Case in point: today. I spent a couple of hours this morning standing at an intersection in town, directing traffic for a half marathon. I was there for the safety of the runners, stopping cars while they crossed through the intersection. The half marathon is in memory of the son of a friend and coworker, a son who was five months younger than my older son, a little boy who died a few months shy of his second birthday. I am always reminded of this little boy as I check off milestones in my kids' lives. Brendan is 5 1/2; Josh will always be younger than 2 in the minds of everyone who knew him. Brendan will be starting kindergarten in the fall; Josh never even got to attend preschool. Brendan is an unstoppable energetic force; Josh never even learned to walk. This half marathon today was a fundraiser for an organization here in town that pays for the funerals of babies who died before their first birthday. I never faced anything like what those parents face. I should be incredibly thankful.

Then, I come home and read a blog post from a former student. She and her husband have three kids, all with special needs and medical conditions. Her youngest is in the hospital right now with breathing problems; one of her twins has a lump in his neck that may turn out to be cancerous (but hopefully will turn out to be benign). I cannot imagine the struggles that their family goes through on a daily basis. Both of my kids are on track developmentally and are healthy. I will never know what it is like to have a kid with chiari malformation or autism. I should be incredibly thankful.

But I sit in the middle of my living room, completely annoyed with my children and wishing I could be elsewhere. I feel exhausted and headachy, and I am inexplicably grumpy. I am ungrateful. And I hate myself for it.

Slow progress is still progress

Today's weigh-in: 191.8

Well, I'm nearing a goal...I had hoped a couple weeks ago that I could be at or below 190 by the end of the school year. We still have four weeks to go, so it's looking possible. [Of course, I could easily bounce right back up, so I'm not trying to count any chickens before they've hatched.]

The next goal I have in mind is 185, which will put me in both of my kayaks again. I'd like to paddle a bit this summer, probably not on any rivers but maybe on the local lake.

After that, I'm hoping to get down below 175...that's about what my lowest previous weight was, around 2006? Hard to remember that long ago.

It's very slow going, though. I'll be stuck, plateaued, with my weight yo-yoing in a 3-4 lb fluctuation. This 191 that I've got could easily be 194 tomorrow. I need to keep going. I just wish I could have a consistent weight loss instead of the yo-yo pattern. That is no fun.

Think about Ink

So, for a while now, I've really wanted to get another tattoo. I got my 8th tattoo back in 2012, a few months after my younger son was born. This was the most important tattoo, one that was a memorial for my mother. It's a big celtic cross with knotwork on my left shoulderblade, and it has her initials in her own handwriting beneath it. I love my tattoos, although I admit that several of them have no real significance; I just got them because I liked them. But now, I have several more ideas for tattoos that I really really want to get, and all of them have significance.

1) On my right foot I would like to get a quote from Lord of the Rings. It's a line from the poem about Aragon: "Not all those who wander are lost." I would do it in a font similar to what Tolkien used for the books. I would like to put it along the outside of my foot, maybe wrapping around to the top. I'd also like to put a compass rose on the top of my foot. I'm trying to figure out if there's a way that I can incorporate several things into the compass rose. I'd like the arrows of the rose to be Katniss' arrows from The Hunger Games. In the center of the rose, I'd like to put the Deathly Hallows symbol. I'd love to see if I could get the Star Trek logo in there somehow as well, but I'm not sure how. And I want to find a way to incorporate a semicolon (see The Semicolon Project). I don't know if I can get all those things into the compass rose. I might just do the rose with the semicolons and save the other symbols for another time.

2) On the inside of my left forearm, I would like to get a quote from To Kill A Mockingbird, in type font. It's from the end of the book. Scout says, "Atticus, he was real nice." And Atticus replies, "Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them."

3) I want to get another Celtic knot, called a motherhood knot. I'm thinking about the back of my neck, or maybe the middle of my back between my shoulderblades. I would love to get some cool colors with it, like a watercolor splash. And I'm thinking about incorporating a quote somehow. I love the line from Shakespeare's play The Tempest: "We are such stuff as dreams are made on."

The problem is, how to pay for all this. I'm notoriously bad at money; I tend to spend it as soon as I have it. I need to save a couple hundred dollars for each tattoo, I'm sure. Just don't know how my hubby will feel about it. He has one tattoo, but he's never succumbed to the addiction like I have. Hard to justify a couple tattoos when we've got hefty balances on our credit cards. :/ I need to figure out how to make some money. O.o

Cheaters Never Prosper

Today's weigh-in: 194.4

The reason I titled it "cheaters never prosper" is because I haven't been great about what I've been eating the past couple of days, and it has shown in the fact that an otherwise impressive several-pound run over the previous few days quickly ground to a halt. I was 194 flat on Tuesday, 194.4 yesterday, and 194.4 again today.  I had some pringles, a crescent roll, some sugar-free (but still carb-y) ice cream, a nibble of a gluten-free (but not carb-free) apple crumble that I had made for my coworkers--not all at once, mind you, but any shift back to a more carb-centered diet from the low carb one we are doing now is likely to impact my weight loss. Someday, when I'm significantly lighter than this, I can perhaps have a cheat meal once every week or so, but I probably won't even be able to eat that way again, at least not regularly.

Which is why it is so easy to cheat. My kids are not eating a low carb diet. Little kids burn up tons of energy, and neither of my boys is fat, so neither has any reserves to burn. They need to burn carbs, so they need to eat them. That doesn't mean tons of sugar, but they eat cereal, bread, crackers, rice, pasta...all those things that I can't eat anymore. Which means I'm preparing those things, which means it's easy to taste-test or to snarf up their leftovers... it's easy to cheat. But if I cheat, I don't lose weight. I have to keep myself on track.

So far, I've done ok. While the weight loss has indeed slowed down to what sometimes feels like a crawl, it is still happening. I'm excited to be below the weight I was when we first moved here almost seven years ago (is that even possible? Almost seven years ago?), but I still have a long way to go. My husband mentioned that he is within a few pounds of the weight he was when we first met. That might be true for him, but it isn't for me. I might have been about 160 when I met my husband, but I was at the start of an eating disorder which caused me to drop about 35 lbs over the next year, putting me at my lowest adult weight of just under 125 lbs. There is no way I could ever achieve that kind of weight again, without resorting to something similar (obviously not a good idea). Honestly, if I could get under 170 lbs, I'd be ecstatic.

The next milestones I can achieve will be to reach the weight ranges for my kayaks (which I haven't been in since...forever--I don't even know when the last time I paddled was; we might have gotten in the boats when Brendan was little, just to paddle around a bit). The top weight for the Agent is 190; the top weight for my Little Joe is 185. I'm close, but not quite there yet. My goal, with eight weeks left before summer, is to at least be in the weight range for the Agent. I'd love to be in the Joe's range as well, but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I plan to paddle some this summer, even if it's just in the lake.

Wake me up when January ends

Today's weigh-in: 206.0

Well, the month of January has been a bust.  I'm still finishing the month (tomorrow) almost 25 lbs down from my starting point in October, but looking back at my weight this month, I've had so many plateaus and rebounds that I'm not finishing with any real weight loss for the month. I was at 207 at the beginning of the month; here I am at 206 on the second to the last day of the month.  Even at my lightest weight so far, 204, I was only down not quite 4 lbs from that start point.

I think it's pretty clear that the diet alone is not really going to help me anymore.  The days I've seen the best results have been days that I've chosen to not really eat dinner.  That means it's the calorie restriction more than the ketogenic diet doing the work.  It seems strange to me to put forth the effort of making dinner for my family and then not eat any of it.  I'm not sure what kind of message that might send to my children in the long run.  It's already hard enough to get them to sit still and eat their own food without me having to explain why I'm not eating anything.

I don't feel like I eat a lot.  I have a couple cups of coffee during the day, with accompanying almond milk and/or cream; a celery stick with peanut butter; a couple of Atkins bars (which claim to be low in carbs, and have a lot of protein but not much fat); maybe a handful of nuts; meat and cheese for lunch; and then whatever we have for dinner, usually meat and veggies with some kind of cream sauce.  My "splurge" is whipped cream, which I'm sure adds carbs because of the sugar in it, but I would have hoped I wasn't eating that much of it.

The worst thing so far is how tired I am.  I just feel really run-down.  My husband, having lost almost 60 lbs so far without much exercise, is feeling good and sleeping much better than he used to, but I'm still not sleeping great.  I usually wake up a couple times at night, and when I wake up in the morning my muscles are stiff and sore and I have a headache.  I still take blood pressure medication, and when I ran out the other day I gained a couple pounds but had high hopes that I would lose the weight again when refilling my meds, but it didn't really happen.  I really want to sleep.  All the time.

I wonder if it's "that time of the month" for me.  I never know anymore; I have Mirena bc that has allowed me to not have a period since it was put in almost 4 years ago.  But I know I still get moody.  And that's how I've been feeling: sad and tired and disappointed.

I know I need to start exercising, but I just don't have any energy or motivation to do so.  I want to start walking the dog again in the mornings instead of just putting her out in the yard, but when it's cold and windy out, I don't have the desire to do so.

I'm stuck in a rut.  Boo hiss.  Hopefully February will bring much-needed changes.

Slow Going

Today's weigh-in: 204.8

I'm only down three pounds since the beginning of the year.  I actually had a nasty plateau, where I was stuck between 207-208 for an entire week and then jumped back up to 209 for a week, and then suddenly lost 4 lbs in two days and eventually made it down to 204.  So I continue to lose, but it is slow going indeed.  While my husband is over 50 lbs down from his starting weight, he's lost more than twice what I have, and he doesn't seem to have the same struggle with plateauing that I do.

I think what this means for me is that I truly do need to pay close attention to how much I'm eating.  Also, I seem to do better when I don't eat dinner.  Which makes sense, I suppose, because it would suggest that I take in more calories when I eat dinner.  What seems to work best for me is to have a couple cups of coffee in the morning, a small lunch, a snack in mid afternoon, and a snack when I get home from work.  That, of course, is difficult if I'm making a full meal for everyone else.  I guess I can make dinner and just not really eat any of it.

I also really need to start working out.  I haven't done anything yet, and I suspect that it will help my weight loss as long as I don't start adding too much muscle.  I do need to tone my arms, because they are distressingly flabby.  Gross.

Anyway, my next milestone is to be below 200.  I'd love for it to happen before the beginning of February, but I'm not holding my breath.

I have another goal as well.  I would like to get the house cleaned up and more organized.  I've done a little bit so far; I sorted through a bit of the boys' clothes and tossed some of the stuff that's too old/small, and I went through a couple of my dresser drawers and did the same.  Sadly, it meant that I had to say goodbye to a few shirts that I've had for a really long time, including a few St. Agnes shirts.  I just need to remember that some of the smaller shirts that I have might start fitting again, and that the bigger stuff can go.  If I were craftsy, I'd try to make my SAA shirts into a t-shirt quilt, but I don't have the ability to do it myself, and I'm not willing to spend money to have someone else do it.

I need to go through the rest of my dresser drawers and get that cleaned out.  Then I should tackle my closet.  The shoes have mostly been sorted already.  I want to get the closet more usable, since it's so crowded.  I need to figure out some kind of trays or baskets that I can use to organize under the bathroom sinks and on the over-the-toilet shelves.  And of course the boys have a ton of toys that need to be sorted and tossed.  I also have thousands of Magic cards that need to be sorted, alphabetized, and filed away.  Maybe I can skip a day of school to work on that.

So it's a lot, but it has to be done at some point.  It's all part of pretending to be a grown-up.

Happy New Year!

Today's weigh-in: 207.8.

I had really hoped to start off 2016 with my lowest weight in years (which was yesterday's weigh-in of 207 flat), but I apparently ate a lot yesterday. I'll try to do better today.

So, the low carb diet has been working, although not without its difficulties.  Despite what some low carbers say, I do feel that I need to be mindful of the calories I consume, but of course most of my attention goes to making sure I'm not eating carbs and am eating fat.  The whole thing still seems weird and counterintuitive to me, but it seems to be working.  Since starting this diet on October 26, 2015, I have lost 23 lbs.  Prior to the diet, I had lost only three lbs the entire rest of 2015.  I would say that is evidence to suggest that the low carb diet has merit.  I'm hoping to continue the weight loss.  I don't really have any "goals" exactly; I just want to lose as much as I can.  I guess when the weight loss finally stops, it will be time to put myself in maintenance mode.  I'm sort of hoping that will be down around 150 lbs, which would be about an 80-lb loss, but I don't know what is possible and what is likely.  The milestones coming up would be 206 (the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brendan), 200 (the weight I was right after we moved to Billings), and 175 (my previous lightest weight back in 2006 or so).  It will also be nice to be back in the weight ranges for my boats.  I'd love to start boating again.

Since it's the first day of the new year, I guess it's time for some resolutions.  Some of these are hard and fast goals to accomplish, others are just things to get better about.

1) Obviously, the weight loss is the first item.  Like I said, I don't have any specific goals in mind; I just want to keep losing.  My husband has lost almost 50 lbs on this diet, more than twice what I've lost.  I need to keep at it.  Not that it's a competition, but still... Part of my desire with the weight loss is to start incorporating exercise.  It boggles my mind that I've lost over 20 lbs without any kind of exercise at all, but I'm pretty sure that the weight loss won't continue, at least not at its present rate, without a little help.  I'd like to exercise 3 times a week, for now, maybe for about 20 minutes or so.  I'll start small.

2) Do a better job at work.  This one is pretty non-specific, and encompasses a number of things.  I've been intending to compile binders for all the units I teach in each class, which will include a unit rationale and overview, a schedule, the standards alignment for all the assignments, the assignments themselves, and any additional materials.  That would be nice, to have everything right where I can find it, instead of digging in my file cabinets over and over again.  That doesn't mean that I'll always get to everything; I never do.  I'd also like to do a better job of getting stuff graded quickly.  I started out ok this semester, but now I'm way behind.  I'm currently trying to grade an essay they turned in back in mid December, a travel brochure they turned in right before break, AND the rough draft of an argumentative essay that must contain comments and corrections...by Monday.  Great.

3) Clean up the house.  I have a few specific jobs that I want to accomplish.  I need to finish sorting/tossing the toys in the basement.  They've been stuffed into plastic tubs for long enough now that I'm sure the boys won't even remember most of them, let alone want to play with them.  It's just a matter of getting them out of the house without the boys noticing.  I'd like my husband to build some storage system down there; that would certainly help.  I also need to get my Magic cards sorted, alphabetized, and stored.  I'd like to make some new decks, not that I ever play anymore, but I can't really do that if I don't know what I have.  Lastly, I'd like to get some storage baskets and tubs and such for the bathrooms, to more easily store things like makeup and stuff like that.  Right now things are just kind of all over the counters or tossed under the sink, which doesn't help us find anything.  I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff I could include, like sorting my clothes and getting rid of stuff that's outdated or doesn't fit, but I'm reluctant to do some of that with the weight loss that's progressing.  I need to finish the clothing purge I've been doing for the boys, and I'm sure my husband needs to do some for himself.  There's also the matter of printing photos and putting them in the frames that have been sitting idle for, gosh, years now, and we need to put away all the Christmas stuff.  That's plenty for now.

Anyway, that's a good place to start.  Time to go grade some essays.