The emotion of the ocean

I started wondering about my emotions while I was pregnant. I seemed to cry about things a lot more easily. I figured it was because of the hormones and because I was so tired. But the emotional rollercoaster continued after I had my baby. Then I chalked it up to hormones, exhaustion, and "baby blues" or perhaps a little postpartum depression. When I stopped breastfeeding about a month and a half ago, I really figured my emotions would go back to normal. But they haven't. I find myself tearing up during commercials. I have actually had to change channels during certain television shows. I can't watch anything that involves something unpleasant happening to a child. Death, illness, even adoption make me really upset. Also, things about parents, especially mothers, make me cry. I just don't get it. I never used to be this weepy about stuff. The hormones should be returning to normal, I'm getting at least a little more sleep (Brendan has still only slept straight through the night twice, but at least now he's only waking once or twice and not staying up for an hour and a half each time), so why am I so darned emotional? It's been nine months since I gave birth. Shouldn't this be getting easier?

Makes me want to cry.

*sigh*

I must be a horrible parent, because I am so much happier when I can send my son to daycare for the day. A full day with him just wears me out and leaves me impatient, frustrated, and disappointed in myself. Yesterday was a particularly bad day. Brendan of course is pretty fussy now since his tooth is coming in. When he's awake he really doesn't want to play by himself, although he does better entertaining himself in the mornings than in the afternoons. He follows me around, whining and pulling on my pantlegs. He's figured out how to open the cupboards, so we've started working on the babyproofing. All I've done so far is lock up two of the side by side cabinets with a lock that connects both handles together. It's inconvenient, to say the least. I need to put in the single cabinet locks; at least they are easier to open for adults. Brendan has also started pulling himself up on the baker's rack in the kitchen. I've had to take everything off of it so he doesn't pull anything heavy off on himself. But now I'm worried he might pull the whole thing over on himself. And I've had to relocate some of my houseplants (all poisonous philodendrons) and I have more to move.


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Sorry, I was just interrupted by the diaper change from hell. Brendan has gotten himself in a bad habit of rolling over while I'm trying to change him, making it impossible to have a quick, fuss-free change. He had pooped, and naturally it was a mushy, stick-to-the-butt poop. I was trying to keep him from rolling over, so instead he jammed his hand down into the mess. His hand was covered in shit. He got it all over my hand, all over his legs...I'm in hell.

Back to the post in progress...

So, yesterday I had to change his clothes 4 different times (after the initial change from jammies to play clothes. He spit up part of his breakfast, he barfed up his lunch, he was wet after his nap, and then he spit up a lot of his bedtime bottle, all necessitating a clothing change. How can one little kid produce so much laundry? And so many nasty bodily fluids?

And he was up twice last night, once for a short cuddle of about 20 minutes, the other for a bottle and some fussy time of an hour. Then he got up at the same time as my husband, meaning I couldn't go back to sleep. He got into the trash while I got dressed, making a mess of the bathroom floor. I had to get him a bottle and then pop him in his stroller so I could walk the dog, because for some reason my husband did not walk the dog before he left for work.

I just feel frantic, rushed, and totally out of control and out of sorts. I get angry at him, which makes me angry at myself. I am a horrible parent. I suck at this, probably worse than I have ever sucked at anything. While I always thought I would have another child, I just don't think I should. I"m doing a lousy job with the one I've got.

The tooth is out there

We have tooth!

Brendan finally has a tooth. I discovered it this evening, as he was in super-crabby mode. I stuck a finger in his mouth, and realized as he gnawed on me that there was something sharp in there. It's already broken through, which explains why he's been grumpy and fussy the past week or so. It's obviously been breaking through for several days at least. He was pretty tired and fussy tonight, so I gave him some Tylenol before giving him his last bottle for the day. Hopefully he'll sleep well.

It's about time

Brendan FINALLY slept through the night. At least, he never cried. Or if he did, I didn't hear it. And considering how hypersensitive I've been to the baby monitor, I'm pretty sure I would have heard it, regardless of how tired I was. I know he changed position at least once last night, since he was most definitely not where I left him (he ended up at the very top end of his crib, lying across the crib, on his tummy). So he managed to wake up enough to change position without waking up enough to cry about it.

I'm pretty sure this isn't going to happen every night for the rest of his life; as a matter of fact, I'm expecting tonight to be payback for last night. But at least I know he's capable of doing it.

I didn't completely freak out when I woke up, either. I actually got up and went to the bathroom, then got back in bed and stayed there for another five minutes, before deciding to get up and check to make sure he was still breathing. I guess that cements my disqualification from Mother of the Year from yesterday.

So, after about 17 months (since my first symptom of pregnancy was needing to pee in the middle of the night), I finally got a completely uninterrupted night's sleep. I am glad to know that I still can sleep through the night. I thought I might have lost the ability.

So much for the Mother of the Year award

I did something extremely stupid last night. When I put Brendan to bed, I forgot to put the side of the crib back in place. The crib is not a drop side crib; the top eight or ten inches are hinged to the rest of the side and secure to the corner posts at the top with deadbolts. My father-in-law made the crib for my niece, and we have it on loan to use for Brendan. When Brendan was little and not mobile I didn't worry about putting up the side. Ever since he got big enough to sit up on his own and get on his hands and knees, I've put the side up when he's been in it. And now, of course, he's mobile enough to stand up in the corner of the crib and potentially try to climb over the side. So this was a pretty dangerous thing for me to do. And then, to top it off, I made this a "cry it out" night; I did not go in to check on Brendan when he woke up and cried but instead let him put himself back to sleep. He work up at least four times from the time I put him in there, which meant at least four possible times for him to fall out of the crib. I am soooooooo glad he never got worked up enough to kneel or stand in the the crib last night.

As evidenced by the above, we're working on sleep training. Unless he really gets worked up and starts sobbing, we're letting him cry during the night. The last few weeks I've gone in if he's awakened after about 2 am and given him a bottle, figuring he'd be pretty hungry. But he needs to get weaned off of a nighttime feeding, and so last night I decided I was going to wait and let him cry. If he got really agitated, I would have gone in after him (and probably gotten him a bottle too; and I would have discovered my mistake with the side of the crib), but he eventually tapered off and went back to sleep. I'm hoping that he'll wake less and less over time, or at least cry less and less, until he gets to the point where he's shifting positions without ever actually waking up. We are still working hard to get him to bed at bedtime. He fights it pretty hard, and we're not exactly following what everyone recommends, which would be putting him down in the crib while he's still awake and letting him go to sleep on his own. I'm hoping that after he gets to the point where he's easily putting himself back to sleep in the middle of the night, we'll be able to start putting him in the bed while he's still somewhat awake. We'll get there.

And the angels sang hallelujah

FINALLY. After 8 months and one week, Brendan finally made it through the night without my intervention. He went to bed at 8:30 (with my husband putting him to bed instead of me), slept until about 5:30, took a bottle, then went back to sleep and slept until I got him up at 8:30. He did wake up a few times and cried a little, but each time he went back to sleep by himself. I did get up once, at about 4:30, because I thought he was going to get himself started and I figured he'd want a bottle, but by the time I mixed up the bottle the noises in his room had subsided, so I went back to bed. I'm sure this doesn't automatically mean he will now sleep through the night every night, but it's at least a promising start. Hopefully he'll get to the point where he won't wake up and cry at all. When he DID wake up at 5:30, he just SOBBED brokenheartedly until I got the bottle into his mouth. I don't know if it was because he was *starving* (I mean, this is a kid who is used to eating every 2-3 hours), or if it was because he was disoriented (I mean, all that sleeping can really take it out of you), or if he just missed me. No idea.

I could have slept longer myself--I got up at 8:00 because I knew I needed to get Brendan up and get him over to the sitter for the day. But it's nice to know I may get some sleep eventually.

On the weight loss front (and back, and rear, and thighs), I haven't done a very good job this week of eating better or exercising. I have taken the dog on a couple of good walks around the neighborhood, but that's been the extent of it. I've tried to eat a little better, but we ate out for dinner the other night, and I made brownies yesterday. I think I'm going to try to stop at the gym this afternoon, see if I can sign Brendan up for swimming lessons, and get a workout in. Hopefully next week will be a little easier. I did weigh in this morning at 232.6, which is a minor improvement. I only need to lose 1.5 lbs this week to be on track for my goal weight loss of 60 lbs by May 19, so I guess things are still going OK, but I need to be better. Maybe I should make a spreadsheet like the one we used to use, that recorded the daily weights and measurements, and then calculated the weekly totals and losses or gains. To do that, I should reprogram the scale with my starting weight and age. That's going to mean looking up on the internet how to do that, since I'm sure the manual is long gone.

Anyway, the sleep is a good thing, and hopefully the weight loss will be as well. Stay tuned...