Ingratitude

I feel like an ungrateful beast a lot of times. I have life pretty good. I have a husband who loves me, two healthy kids, full-time employment...basically, everything I need. But I spend a lot of time being sad and depressed, when I don't have anything to be sad and depressed about. Depression is a bitch, because not only does it make a person feel awful, but can also remind that person that they shouldn't feel awful, and then that person feels awful about feeling awful.

Case in point: today. I spent a couple of hours this morning standing at an intersection in town, directing traffic for a half marathon. I was there for the safety of the runners, stopping cars while they crossed through the intersection. The half marathon is in memory of the son of a friend and coworker, a son who was five months younger than my older son, a little boy who died a few months shy of his second birthday. I am always reminded of this little boy as I check off milestones in my kids' lives. Brendan is 5 1/2; Josh will always be younger than 2 in the minds of everyone who knew him. Brendan will be starting kindergarten in the fall; Josh never even got to attend preschool. Brendan is an unstoppable energetic force; Josh never even learned to walk. This half marathon today was a fundraiser for an organization here in town that pays for the funerals of babies who died before their first birthday. I never faced anything like what those parents face. I should be incredibly thankful.

Then, I come home and read a blog post from a former student. She and her husband have three kids, all with special needs and medical conditions. Her youngest is in the hospital right now with breathing problems; one of her twins has a lump in his neck that may turn out to be cancerous (but hopefully will turn out to be benign). I cannot imagine the struggles that their family goes through on a daily basis. Both of my kids are on track developmentally and are healthy. I will never know what it is like to have a kid with chiari malformation or autism. I should be incredibly thankful.

But I sit in the middle of my living room, completely annoyed with my children and wishing I could be elsewhere. I feel exhausted and headachy, and I am inexplicably grumpy. I am ungrateful. And I hate myself for it.