Vacation, all I ever wanted

It's been several weeks since I last posted. Had a few days where I had to work, then went on vacation for a week. So let's get right to the updating...

Brendan is a wild thing. He is crawling like crazy, and pulling/pushing himself up towards a standing position pretty often. He likes to use pant legs to pull himself up, but he'll also put his hands on something lower and push himself onto his hands and feet. He's tried straightening up with no support a few times, and just plopped over onto his butt. I suspect if he keeps at it, he'll be standing and trying to walk within a month. He's really fast at crawling, so much so that he gave himself a blister on the top of his foot (from it rubbing on the carpet as he crawled). Not a big blister, but definitely an example of the friction he generates. I guess I need to keep socks on his feet to protect him. He eats pretty well too. He's now entirely on formula--the final breast was the first night of our vacation, more to calm him down than anything else--and eating quite often. He's obviously getting a lot more liquid than he was when he was breastfeeding, which makes me wonder if he was not getting enough to eat when he was still breastfeeding. Unfortunately, the added liquid is making the diaper issue a problem: although his diapers are supposed to be "12-hour nighttime diapers", he has exceeded the absorbancy several times at night, and then once yesterday (after about 5 hours sitting in his carseat since the last change). Nothing quite like a soaking wet baby. What it means is that I am now having to change him in the middle of the night, which I hadn't been doing before. It means waking him up a bit more than I would like (when he would wake up previously, I would barely be awake, and feeding him would make him go right back to sleep).

Sleep has definitely continued to be an issue. Brendan is still waking up several times a night, and having a lot of difficulty going back to sleep. My husband and I got into a disagreement the other night (in the middle of a two-hour waking period), because I haven't done a very good job of encouraging Brendan to self-soothe. He is right, I haven't, but it's been because I've been the only one getting up with Brendan, and I've been more concerned with getting him back to sleep as quickly as possible so I could go back to sleep too. I call it "survival mode". I do know that it can't stay this way; I am beyond frayed and totally exhausted. So I've really tried the past few nights to let him cry for at least five minutes before I go in after him, and if he's not crying really hard to let it go and try to let him settle himself. But he's also started crying with a different quality than he used to. I can't really explain--my husband describes it as a "mad" cry. I think of it more as a "sad" cry. The corners of his mouth turn down, tears just pour down his face, he sobs...I don't know what the cause is. It could be pain, maybe his teeth or an ear ache or a tummy ache, or maybe it's that he's starting to have major separation anxiety. I have noticed that he has been a bit clingy the past few days. Not that he has avoided other people or anything, but he'll come to me, grab my shirt, and bury his face in it. Also, at night it has become difficult to get him to go down in his bed. This past week he's been sleeping in a pack 'n' play, and I've always had trouble putting him down in there without waking him back up (it's hard to reach all the way down to the bottom to set him down). This week he has started grabbing my shirt as I've tried to lay him down, which made it even harder to get him to go to sleep. Last night wasn't quite as difficult, because I was putting him in his crib, which has a higher mattress (but now that he's able to pull himself to a standing position, we should probably move his mattress to a lower level, which will then make it difficult to put him in it). Anyway, I'm not sure what the problem is with the sleeping, but my husband has agreed to at least help put him down at night, so maybe we can break his attachment to me and get him to sleep better. Because I'm pretty much fried.

Then there's me. Despite my assertion at the beginning of the month that I would be working on my weight loss, I have done NOTHING to improve the situation. As a matter of fact, I weighed in this morning at 233.6, which is my heaviest non-pregnancy weight. I actually put weight ON during my vacation, despite a little more activity than I have done recently (18 holes of golf and a bike ride, at least). And I now have something else that I need to lose weight for: my brother is getting married in May of next year (2012). I would really like to be 175 lbs or lighter by then. That is just over ten months away. Basically, I need to lose six pounds each month. That's about a pound and a half each week. I SHOULD be able to do that. Heck, I should be able to do better than that. But I need to get on it. I need to start hitting the gym several times each week, and going for a walk or jog with the baby and the dog every day, and cutting back on my eating. Why is this so hard?

Summer, summer, summertime

Ah, summertime.

Let's see...where was I...

Brendan has started crawling and sitting up independently. He still tips over every once in a while, but he's pretty much good to go on the sitting. The sitting has translated to the bathtub; we stopped using his little bathtub seat thingy, and now he's just sitting directly on the bathmat in a few inches of water. Makes it much easier to play when you can sit up and use both hands. He's got the crawling thing down, too, although sometimes he chooses to semi-crawl, using one knee and one foot. Not sure what that method is supposed to accomplish.

We haven't done much in the way of baby-proofing the house, but we really, really need to. Brendan is drawn to electrical cords (he loves the laptop power cords), the laptops themselves, the electronic equipment under the TV (Wii, Xbox, BluRay player, cable box, power conditioner), and remote controls. We have put a baby gate over the top of the stairs, and outlet covers over the outlet in the hallway, but there are so many other things we need to do. Toilet locks, cabinet door latches, doors over the video games and DVDs...we really have quite a bit of work to do. I'm hoping this summer that we can spend some time downstairs (we're going to work on framing in the unfinished part and getting the bathroom down there finished), since it's a bit more kid-friendly. The only thing he could really get into down there is a big built-in bookshelf unit. We need to move a bunch of his toys down there and get some of his stuff set up down there. It'll make a good play area.

I'm disappointed in myself: nine weeks of teaching didn't do anything for my weight loss at all. I weighed myself yesterday, and I was still 227. Guess teaching isn't as active as I'd like to think it is. I took a step to try to fix things: I got a jogging stroller. I'm going to try to walk/jog with Brendan a few times each week. I'm planning on taking Brendan to his sitter a few times each week, so on those days I will also try to make it to the gym. I really want to get this weight off.

So here's my new goal...school will be starting up in about 11 weeks. I'd like to lose 1-2 lbs each week (that's all that's recommended for a nursing mother, which I still am, technically). So ideally I'd be at 205 when school starts. That would actually be my pre-pregnancy weight, as well.

We'll see.

Tired

Couldn't even think of a witty title, I'm so tired. Still not sleeping through the night. Still not losing weight. Still not enough hours in the day to get everything done.

Work has taken a toll on breastfeeding. With my class schedule, I can only pump twice, and with grading, student questions, and other disruptions, some days I only pump once. Even with two-a-days, I'm rarely able to pump enough for more than one bottle. I was able to pump about 8 oz when I started, but now I'm down to about 4 oz, even while still taking fenugreek. This slow-down in production is corresponding to the boy starting to push me away after only nursing for a few minutes. I was wondering if it was because he wasn't getting milk fast enough; the sitter said he was doing the same thing to his bottle. So today the sitter used a faster flow nipple on the bottle, and he chowed down. Makes me think that my breastfeeding days are numbered. I've still got two weeks left of work, and I'm sure as long as I keep trying to pump I'll be able to at least make it until then. But I don't know if my supply will increase again after I'm able to stay home for a few days. Maybe I should just call it.

Of course, on the plus side, if I'm not breastfeeding anymore, I can start kicking the hubby awake to bottle feed the boy in the middle of the night...

Go the F*ck to Sleep

OK, my husband found this "book" on the Internet. No book I have ever seen up to this point in my life has so accurately identified my life. Seriously. Sure, the language is inappropriate, but it's just so true.

Go the F*uck to Sleep

This is HILARIOUS.

Took a postpartum depression quiz online...

According to a quiz I took on pediatrics.about.com:

"You may have one or more of the signs of postpartum depression. Be sure to get a further evaluation from your doctor.

Remember that some of these signs, including sudden mood swings and feeling impatient, irritable, restless, anxious, lonely, and sad, can be associate with baby blues, but they should only last for up to two weeks after the delivery of your baby and they shouldn't be as strong or intense as you may have with PPD.

You said that you have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:

Feeling restless or irritable.
Feeling sad, depressed or crying a lot.
Having no energy.
Not being able to sleep or being very tired, or both.
Overeating and weight gain.
Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions.
Feeling worthless and guilty.
Being afraid of hurting the baby or yourself.
No interest or pleasure in activities, including sex.

You said that you do not have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:

Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart being fast and feeling like it is skipping beats), numbness, or hyperventilation (fast and shallow breathing).
Not being able to eat and weight loss.
Being overly worried about the baby.
Not having any interest in the baby.

No one knows for sure what causes postpartum depression (PPD). Hormonal changes in a woman's body may trigger its symptoms. During pregnancy, the amount of two female hormones, estrogen and progesterone, in a woman's body increase greatly. In the first 24 hours after childbirth, the amount of these hormones rapidly drops and keeps dropping to the amount they were before the woman became pregnant. Researchers think these changes in hormones may lead to depression, just as smaller changes in hormones can affect a woman's moods before she gets her menstrual period.

It is important to know that postpartum depression (PPD) is treatable and that it will go away. The type of treatment will depend on how severe the PPD is. PPD can be treated with medication (antidepressants) and psychotherapy. Women with PPD are often advised to attend a support group to talk with other women who are going through the same thing. If a woman is breastfeeding, she needs to talk with her health care provider about taking antidepressants. Some of these drugs affect breast milk and should not be used."

It has occurred to me that I haven't had a cry-free day since I had my son over six months ago. I need to be really careful that I'm not drifting into dangerous waters, so to speak. I feel a little better about myself since I started back to work, but I still am frustrated and tired when it comes to the boy. I just wish he'd sleep, and sleep without a lot of drama trying to GET him to sleep.

Anyway, just interesting to consider the possibilities.

My Mother's Day wish

Well, we're approaching my first Mother's Day as a mom. I remember thinking last year, when I was pregnant, that I couldn't wait until I had my baby and could be a mom. And now that my baby is six months old, and I'm about to celebrate being a mom, I have been thinking about the holiday. Several people have asked me "what do you want for Mother's Day?" Of course, the first thing I wanted I already have, a wonderful family. But as for other things, I have considered baby gear, like a bike trailer and jogging stroller. I mean, summer is coming, I need the exercise, and I'm a lot more likely to get it if I can take the baby with me. I'm thinking about the summer and wondering if I should make arrangements with Brendan's sitter so that I can drop him off a couple days each week and then get things done like housekeeping, shopping, etc. without having to worry about him. It's $25 a day for the sitter, and I don't know what her summer schedule will be, since I'm sure the other kids she watches are not on the mommy-is-a-teacher schedule that Brendan is. But it would be nice to make sure that he's still going to daycare for a number of reasons: 1) he'll be less likely to develop separation anxiety if he continues going a few days each week; 2) he'll keep developing his social skills by playing with the other kids (they're all older than he is, but they totally love playing with him); 3) I'll be able to get things done at home (including napping) without having to worry about him every minute. I'm not sure if it's financially feasible, but I really do want to think about it.

But back to what I want for Mother's Day. Other than things like liposuction and personal training, I guess the one thing I want is a day off. Not that I don't want to be a mom; I just want to be absolved of my duties for a day. Or even just for a night. Someone could just get me a hotel room, and I'd go there and sleep for twelve hours without a dog pawing at me, or anyone snoring but me, or anyone waking me up to eat or be rocked. That sounds really selfish, now that I look at it. But I think one good night's sleep might go a long way to recharging my batteries.

Anyway, I don't know that I am getting anything in particular for Mother's Day. So maybe I just need to ask for patience. If I can just hang on until the boy gets a little older and sleeps a little better...

More milestones

We're still not sleeping. Last night was a bad one; I don't know if it was gas or constipation or teething or reflux or a nasty head cold, but I do know he wouldn't go down in his crib. He wouldn't go to bed in the first place, at that. I've been trying to start getting him to bed earlier and earlier, hoping that if he goes to bed earlier he'll sleep better. But regardless of how early I start our process, it seems like he won't go to sleep until 10. If he does happen to go to sleep before then, he wakes up within an hour. So he didn't go to sleep until 10. Then he was up from 1:15-2:15, then from 3:00-4:15, and then from 5:30-6. I just don't know what else to do. I need to read some of these sleep training books so I can find out what it is that I am doing wrong.

But we've got some milestones that we've hit or are hitting. Brendan is up to five different fruits and veggies that he eats: bananas, applesauce, peaches, sweet potatoes, and green beans. I'll just say he is not jazzed about the green beans, but he likes everything else. I ordered a set of little storage containers to keep homemade baby food in, and a couple of baby food "cookbooks", and I plan on trying to save some money by making at least some of his food myself and freezing it. We'll see how it goes; it may be more cost-efficient in the long run to just keep buying the Gerber food. Also, Brendan is now rolling with abandon both tummy-to-back and back-to-tummy. I think it's only a matter of days until he realized that rolling is a method of moving from place to place. We'll have to start baby-proofing the house. He's also able to sit up unassisted for longer periods of time (not minutes, but a minute maybe) before he tips over. He can turn himself around when he's on his stomach or his back, and he can push himself backwards with his hands when he's on his tummy and forwards with his feet when he's on his back. As soon as he puts all this together he'll be crawling. I can't believe he's going to be six months old on Saturday. I thought for sure he'd be sleeping through the night by then. *sigh*

One bummer milestone is his first cold. A couple of the other kids at the sitter have a cold, and despite trying to keep them away from Brendan, he came down with one. And since he slobbers all over me on a daily basis, I got it too. His nose has been runny and he's been hoarse, which suggests to me that he's probably got a bit of a sore throat too. And he's got a little cough, probably from the throat as much as anything. I'm the same way--headache, stuffy and runny nose, sore throat, general run-down feeling. I've been giving him a little baby Tylenol here and there, but I'm afraid to give him much because I don't want it to affect his liver. He goes in for his 6-month checkup in a couple weeks, and if he's still suffering from the cold I'll ask about remedies. For now, just keeping him hydrated.

I've lost a little weight since I've been working; I was 227 when I started and I was 223 on Monday. I also started working out this week, just fifteen minutes a day on the elliptical machine, but hopefully it'll start to show and I'll be able to go longer and longer at a time. Anyway, I'm trying, and that's gotta count for something, right?

Missing my mom today. It's the fourth anniversary of her passing. I wish like anything that I'd been able to see her hold her grandson...