DAMN am I fat.

So, my company left today.  While it was great to have her here, it's something of a relief to not have to plan any activities, cook actual meals, or generally attempt to be more interesting than I am.  It will be nice to have a little time to myself without feeling like I need to entertain someone else.  I have two full weeks left before I have to show up for the beginning of another school year, so I have a little decompression time.  But I have so much stuff to get done around the house!  Argh!  All summer long I had expected to be working on these projects--rearranging the linen closet, sorting through the boys' clothes, cleaning up the utility closet, that sort of thing.  All I've managed to get done so far is get the linen closet emptied and get half of the contents washed and put away.  That's it.  Pretty big disappointment. 

All this sitting around and eating these dinners I've cooked hasn't been good for the ol' waistline, either.  It sounds really stupid, but when I cook a meal, I feel obligated to eat it, and the leftovers too.  So I've been eating way more than I should, and of course I haven't been exercising.  I did go on a two-hour horseback ride yesterday, which is the most physical activity I've had all summer.  I knew my weight hadn't improved any; it's been sitting steady at close to 240.  But I didn't realize how bad I really look.  My friend has been taking occasional pictures on this trip, and I've ended up in a few of them. 

Looking at these pictures, I cannot deny how horrifyingly fat I am.  I don't see much of myself most of the time.  In mirrors, I see myself from mid-torso up.  Sure, I know I'm fat, but all I see is that view, straight on.  I don't see my legs, my thighs, my ass, and I don't have a real perspective on my stomach other than that it's there and it's big.  But in these pictures my friend is taking?  Holy shit, I am a fucking beast.  It doesn't help that my friend, who has been in some of the pictures with me, is a petite size 4 in comparison to my size 20.  But even without her in it...I am FAT.  No denying it.  Here's the thing...when I see obese people, I sometimes think to myself, "Well, yeah, I'm fat, but at least I don't look that bad."  But you know what?  I DO look that bad.  I look horrible. 

I have been desperately afraid that she's going to tag me in these photos.  I look awful, and I don't want all these other people on Facebook to know that.  I also need to lose weight.  As we've established before, I'm not very good at that.  I have two weeks left before school starts, and I need to figure out a way to lose maximum weight in that amount of time.  I didn't eat very well earlier today--I had fast food for lunch.  But for these last two weeks, I'm going to have to really cut back.  I also need to go to the gym every day.  I'd like to get up in the mornings and do a 3-mile walk as well, since I'm supposed to do one on August 24.  I just hope I can do something about this.  I look TERRIBLE, and I'm so embarrassed about it.