Haven't weighed in lately, but the last weigh in, near the beginning of the week, was 230. Not good. I only have one week left to lose my two pounds for the month. Perhaps I need to stop eating. I haven't walked or biked to work, I've eaten junk food, I haven't worked out...I suck. Plain and simple.
Both boys have colds. Brendan has a runny nose and a raspy cough; Ian has nasal congestion, which isn't good with a teeny nose and no ability to breathe through his mouth yet. He'll snort, and then he gets mad. I hope they both get better soon.
It's been a weird week, with some ups and some downs. The ups have been good; the downs have been bad.
Ups--Ian just rolled over for the first time, today, twice, from tummy to back. That means he's getting bigger! Need to keep working on that and on sitting up. Brendan has a potty now, and we're starting potty training. So far all we've done is sit on the potty, read the potty book and watch the Elmo potty DVD. He does love Elmo. This is the first time he's ever watched a video or tv show for any length of time. A couple of friends just had their very first baby. Best of all this week, my brother is out of Afghanistan forever! He has gotten a job with a new company, and will be moving along with my sister-in-law and the dogs to Fort McMurray, Alberta, Canada. It'll be a whole different experience, and he still won't be living close by, but at least no one will be shooting at him.
Downs--The worst thing by far is that one of my coworkers is dealing with the impending loss of her son. He is five months younger than Brendan, and was born with a genetic disorder that usually results in death by age 2. The poor little guy has contracted pneumonia, and it's unlikely that he's going to get better. She has taken a leave of absence. Just the realization that the next time I see her will probably be after her son is dead is pretty upsetting. I was her long-term sub when she had Josh, so I feel a connection to them, and of course since Brendan is close in age we've always shared stories. It is heartbreaking to think about losing a child, and every time I think about it I get really upset and want to cuddle the boys. I've also been pretty down because I'm not happy at work. I've realized that the kids in my study hall classes won't be responsible and actually do their work unless I'm a total hardass bitch and chew them out every day, and even then some of them won't do it. I've never truly understood the saying "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink" until this year. I don't understand why they won't just get their fucking homework done. Excuse the language, but I've never been as pissed off at a group of kids as I am with mine this year. I don't really enjoy my freshman English class, either. They are loud, obnoxious, and rude. By the time I get to that class, at the end of the day, I'm in a horrible mood because of the other classes, and I am not willing to put in the effort to have fun. I miss my St. Agnes girls sooooooo much. And I'm worried that the teacher who had originally planned to retire at the semester might end up hanging around until the end of the school year. In that case, I'll be stuck with Academic Success. I've seen my rosters for next semester, and while I know they are changing almost daily, I have a lot of kids I'd rather not have, and then I have one class of sophomore English. Good that I won't have annoying freshmen, but bad because I have kids that I had (and didn't necessarily like) last year. And my last down is just general depression. I'm tired, I'm fat, I don't have any fun at work, the boys frustrate and exhaust me at home, and I'm kind of lonely. I've been reminded recently that I don't really have friends here. I have a couple coworkers with whom I'm friendly, but I don't necessarily feel comfortable "hanging out" with them. Ross has gone out a few times with some of his coworkers for beer and appetizers after work--I feel like I don't have that opportunity since I'm the one who has to pick up the boys because I get off work first. I really, really miss our friends from the Memphis area, and I miss my high school friends too (since they came out to visit during the summer). I feel isolated--the fact that the house, the sitter, and the school are all up here in the Heights so close together means I don't get out to go do anything. Ever. It has just been weighing down on me, and when I combine everything, it just makes me sad.
I need for things to change. I just wish I knew how to change them, in an easy, lazy, don't-have-to-work-at-it way.
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