DAMN am I fat.

So, my company left today.  While it was great to have her here, it's something of a relief to not have to plan any activities, cook actual meals, or generally attempt to be more interesting than I am.  It will be nice to have a little time to myself without feeling like I need to entertain someone else.  I have two full weeks left before I have to show up for the beginning of another school year, so I have a little decompression time.  But I have so much stuff to get done around the house!  Argh!  All summer long I had expected to be working on these projects--rearranging the linen closet, sorting through the boys' clothes, cleaning up the utility closet, that sort of thing.  All I've managed to get done so far is get the linen closet emptied and get half of the contents washed and put away.  That's it.  Pretty big disappointment. 

All this sitting around and eating these dinners I've cooked hasn't been good for the ol' waistline, either.  It sounds really stupid, but when I cook a meal, I feel obligated to eat it, and the leftovers too.  So I've been eating way more than I should, and of course I haven't been exercising.  I did go on a two-hour horseback ride yesterday, which is the most physical activity I've had all summer.  I knew my weight hadn't improved any; it's been sitting steady at close to 240.  But I didn't realize how bad I really look.  My friend has been taking occasional pictures on this trip, and I've ended up in a few of them. 

Looking at these pictures, I cannot deny how horrifyingly fat I am.  I don't see much of myself most of the time.  In mirrors, I see myself from mid-torso up.  Sure, I know I'm fat, but all I see is that view, straight on.  I don't see my legs, my thighs, my ass, and I don't have a real perspective on my stomach other than that it's there and it's big.  But in these pictures my friend is taking?  Holy shit, I am a fucking beast.  It doesn't help that my friend, who has been in some of the pictures with me, is a petite size 4 in comparison to my size 20.  But even without her in it...I am FAT.  No denying it.  Here's the thing...when I see obese people, I sometimes think to myself, "Well, yeah, I'm fat, but at least I don't look that bad."  But you know what?  I DO look that bad.  I look horrible. 

I have been desperately afraid that she's going to tag me in these photos.  I look awful, and I don't want all these other people on Facebook to know that.  I also need to lose weight.  As we've established before, I'm not very good at that.  I have two weeks left before school starts, and I need to figure out a way to lose maximum weight in that amount of time.  I didn't eat very well earlier today--I had fast food for lunch.  But for these last two weeks, I'm going to have to really cut back.  I also need to go to the gym every day.  I'd like to get up in the mornings and do a 3-mile walk as well, since I'm supposed to do one on August 24.  I just hope I can do something about this.  I look TERRIBLE, and I'm so embarrassed about it.

Now is the summer of my discontent...

This summer just is NOT going as planned.  I had really hoped that I would be starting the school year about fifteen pounds lighter than I ended it, but it is not to be.  I do still have four weeks from today until the first day of school, but my working out is still going to be iffy.  I had thought that this week would be "mine", that after Monday with the boys I would be on my own after my company left.  But my company hasn't left yet.  Our friend who came to visit is on no particular time frame, and after we've assured her several times that she's welcome to stay as long as she likes, she is in no hurry to leave.  It's nice to see her, especially since we haven't seen her in several years, but it's a little strange to not have any idea when she's planning on leaving.  It means I have to be sort of "on" as a hostess all the time, to to mention the fact that she has plenty of time to evaluate my questionable parenting skills.  *sigh*  She's been invited to participate in a dog show in Denver on August 15, so she's planning on being in Colorado by then, but she doesn't yet know when her friend in Denver would like her to arrive.  She is considering driving back through western Montana and also through Wyoming to do some sightseeing before going on to Colorado, but again, since she doesn't know a hard target date for Colorado yet, she hasn't really made other plans.  My husband did show her some possible routes to take, and she's realized that she might end up spending 3-5 days on this longer drive, which means she might need to leave August 10 or so, but that means I still have 11 days left to host, feed, and entertain.  Since we've been cooking dinner pretty much every night since we got back from our Yellowstone vacation, I've been eating more than I would have otherwise.  We ate a lot on our vacation as well, so since we got back, I have tipped the scales at 240 lbs.  We haven't done much physical activity either, so no exercise.  I'm not comfortable going down to the basement to use the elliptical machine in the mornings, since my guest is staying down there.  I don't want to go for an extended walk, because even in the mornings it's very warm outside and I also don't want my friend to wake up and come upstairs to find there's no one here.  We could walk her dog, but her dog isn't used to walks and pulls quite a bit, and my friend is worried that she might pull out of her grip and get loose.  Taking her to the dog park just doesn't give me the same exercise.  I need to just start doing those Leslie Sansone walking workouts in the morning, upstairs, but I do feel a little weird about the possibility that my friend might walk upstairs mid-workout, and starting today we also have roofing guys working on the house (and the siding guys should be next) so I need to draw the curtains on all the windows so they don't watch me working out.  That would be creepy.  And I've got to start eating better, too.  More veggies, less everything else. 

My new goal is simply to lose five pounds before the first day of school.  I hope I can do it.  It seems like such a simple thing, to lose just over a pound a week, but I haven't been able to do anything like it for years. 

So, Corey from Pawn Stars weighs less than me...

I just read an article that said that Corey Harrison from Pawn Stars, previously known as Big Hoss, now weighs 210 lbs after having lap band surgery a couple years ago and working out a lot more ever since.  Must be nice.

I, on the other hand, do not weigh 210 lbs.  I'm still close to 240, with my weight fluctuating a few pounds each day.  I think I weighed myself a couple of days ago at 237.8.  Sometimes I'm down to 236, sometimes up to 239.  I don't top 240 unless I'm dressed or it's the end of the day.  I usually weigh myself in the mornings so I'm as "empty" and light as I'm going to be.

Anyway, I had originally had plans to work out, either walking, swimming, or lifting, every day before my class.  That didn't happen, as I discovered I needed all my non-kid time to read and write for the class.  Even the week after the class, I still had lots of work to do on my final paper and portfolio, so I didn't do any working out.  Over the 4th of July weekend I DID my first actual piece of exercise in God-knows-how-long: I walked a 5k with my mother-in-law.  I knew she had been walking daily to get ready for it, and I was really worried about being able to keep up with her.  It actually turned out way better than I thought; while I definitely got plenty of exercise in walking the course, I pushed her to her best 5k time, 54 minutes.  I'm pretty sure I can do better than that.  I've been meaning to try again, but I need to figure out an approximate course around here to walk.  I just signed up for another one on August 24.  I really should train first. 

That 5k was it; I haven't done any exercise other than that.  The past two weeks, after the 4th of July, I've had the boys F-M, which means no working out for four days in a row.  I need to just suck it up and start getting on the elliptical or doing an in-house walking workout in the evenings after the boys go to bed.  It's just that it's the only time I have to sit and enjoy my husband's presence.  Also, working out in the evening makes it harder to go to sleep at night because my adrenaline is up.  Working out in the morning would be better, but the sooner I get up, the sooner the boys get up, it seems.  I can't count on a certain amount of time in the morning that I can work out.  And the days I didn't have the boys, I had other things to do--I had my portfolio to finish last week, and this week is all about cleaning up the house for the company I'm going to have for the next week and a half.  We're going to Yellowstone next week (with our company and the boys), so although I'll get some walking in, we'll also be snacking all day and sitting in the car a lot.  Yuck.  Not great for the weight loss plan.

By the time our company leaves, I'll have four weeks before teachers have to report for in-service and the first days of school.  And it will still be having the boys for four days in a row each week.  So much for my 15 lbs of weight loss this summer. 

I'm just so beat-down and defeated.  I hate being fat.  I hurt every morning and every night because I'm so heavy.  I have to wear shoes all the time because my plantar fasciitis is bad.  My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts.  And I just don't know what to do to fix it.  I have so many excuses, and I can't make myself stop using them.  I'm going to be 40 years old in about three months, and I really didn't want to enter my 40s almost 100 lbs overweight. 

I need help.  I keep hoping I'll wake up one morning and be skinny.  It hasn't happened yet.

Same sh*t, different day...

Today's weigh-in (after breakfast): 239.0

So, I did absolutely nothing on the weight-loss front.  I'm still in the same place I was in January.  Today is the first official day of summer, since yesterday was the last day of school, and although I plan some "bad" eating this weekend (my younger son's second birthday is tomorrow, so I'm working on birthday cake, and we're grilling steaks tonight because my dad is in town) and really don't plan to do anything super healthy this weekend, I figured I'd go ahead and post about my summer goals.

We have to report on Monday, August 25 for the opening of the school year (which starts Wednesday the 27th), which gives me 11 weeks to work with.  I am taking a writing course for the next three weeks, which means I won't have a lot of time to work out, but I will try to go in the mornings before it starts at 9 each day--I'm still taking the boys to the sitter's at 7 each morning, so I can head to the gym and get maybe an hour workout in before needing to get dressed for my class.  The class shouldn't be horrible for my health; although there will be snacks each day, I probably won't eat as much because people will be "watching" and I'll be occupied in the writing assignments, and also, we will be doing some walking around here and there for the class, so I'll get a little exercise in as well. I've also committed to walking a 5k with my mother-in-law over the 4th of July weekend, so I need to get some walking in.  

My goal for the summer is to lose 15 lbs.  If I can lose 1.5 lbs each week, I'll lose 16.5 lbs.  If I can manage 2 lbs each week, I'll lose more than 20 for the summer.  I've got to at least lose 10 lbs; I can't bear to be so close to 240 lbs.  It's horrible.  I feel like crap every morning: my feet hurt, my back hurts, my knees have started to bother me a bit (although the squats challenge I did in the month of May might have contributed). 

I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired.  And fat.  I'm sick and tired of being fat.

Brand new year, same old same old

Today's weight: 235.6

So, it's a brand new year, but not much has changed.  Still fat, still disorganized, still short-tempered, still depressed. 

My primary goal, at least short term, is weight loss.  My plantar fasciitis is back in my right foot, seems like it might be starting up in my left foot as well, and I have some other undetermined problems in my right foot too--I get joint pain near my big toe (but I don't think it's gout) with pain extending back toward my leg and also across the top of my foot near my toes.  I think I've probably just been favoring my foot because of the plantar fasciitis, which has made me walk funny and has caused some of the other pain.  I hope.  But I'm pretty sure if I can lose ten or twenty pounds, it will improve my feet greatly.  I need to try to work out at least 30 minutes a day (to start with), and I need to eat less.  It's going to be a challenge; I've been trying to lose weight (or at least saying it) for years now.  I'd like to be below 200 lbs by the time whatever trip we decide to take for our 15th anniversary rolls around this summer.  If I shoot for July 1, which is 6 months from now, it means I'll have to lose 6 lbs per month.  That's doable, but it will definitely be a challenge since I've not managed to lose anything in so long.  I need to start drinking a lot of water, stop drinking soda, stop eating chips and candy...meh. 

I'd like to be more patient, and more organized, and all that other good stuff, but I can really only worry about one thing at a time. :)  Here we go, 2014...

Don't cry, Mommy, don't cry...

Those are the words my older son has said to me more than once this summer.

Today is the last unofficial day of summer.  Sure, fall doesn't start until three weeks from now, but with the start of school for most people either the past few weeks or tomorrow, today is the last "hurrah".  No more holidays until Thanksgiving.  *sigh*

So, like all my other grand schemes, my grand scheme of losing weight over the summer came to naught.  I simply didn't exercise the way I needed to, and I didn't watch my eating.  I managed to lose a few pounds on our vacation two weeks ago, because I didn't have as much opportunity to snack, since we were doing stuff.  Then last week was my first week back to work--school started Wednesday--so I haven't had the chance to snack and I've been a little more active.  I'm back to my original goal: lose 20 lbs by the end of school, which this school year is Friday, June 6.  That's nine months, a little over 2 lbs per month.  Here's the plan:

I really am going to try to eat better.  I have a pretty good schedule, three classes in the morning, lunch and prep together in the middle, and two classes in the afternoon.  Hopefully that will limit the amount of snacking I'm able to do.  I'm going to try to stay out of the candy, chips, and other snacks my club sells in my classroom this year.  Then, I have a three-fold exercise plan.  On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I will drive to school in the mornings (that will make it easier to bring the concessions those days) so that I can leave right at 3:30 and go to the Y to swim.  I won't swim long, 30-45 minutes, then come home.  That way I can stop at the store and pick up stuff for dinner if necessary or go to the bank on Fridays to get cash for the sitter.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays my club meets after school, so I'm going to ride my bike.  Not much of a workout in the mornings, since it's all down hill, but it'll be a good ride home in the afternoons, and I should still be able to be home at 5 to get the boys.  Not sure how well that's going to work when the weather is bad, but we'll just have to wait and see.  The third step is in the middle of the day.  Since I have prep and lunch together, I would like to use part of the time for a short workout.  I've tried a few "challenges", mostly things I've found on Pinterest, and I think I can take 15-30 minutes to do those, or to do one of those Leslie Sansone walking workouts.  Nothing that's likely to make me super sweaty since I still have classes after lunch.  But if I do that sort of early on, near the beginning of the prep time, it'll give me time to cool back down before my classes come in.  I hope.  We'll see.  I'm so notoriously disorganized that it might really be a problem for me to give up that time, since I don't get planning or grading done any other time.  But that's the plan so far.  Cross your fingers...

I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff I could throw in here about the boys.  Brendan is well into the evil toddler stage of life; everything is "no," or "I can't," or a meltdown.  Potty training hasn't gone nearly as well as I had hoped.  I thought I could have him trained by the end of the summer or at least by his birthday, but that isn't likely at this point.  He just doesn't want to stop playing and take time out to go use the bathroom.  His sitter does pretty well with him, it sounds like, but at home he's afraid he's going to miss out on something.  You can force him to go, but then he cries.  We've tried bribery with toys and treats, but he just wants the toys and treats and doesn't want to do the pottying to earn them.  Ian is getting a little better about sleeping.  There have been one or two nights that I actually haven't heard him all night long, more because I've probably been sleeping too deeply than because he isn't stirring, and there have been a number of nights where he has awoken but put himself back to sleep without my intervention.  If he's reliably sleeping through the night by December, he'll pretty much match Brendan's sleeping pattern.  I just have to hang on that long.  But he's getting really good at walking, and he's started climbing too.  So he'll get into the destruction that Brendan has caused very soon I'm sure.  He's still whiny and clingy, although not quite as bad as he was there around his birthday.  He's been teething pretty bad recently, cutting some molars in the back, so he's cried quite a bit.  Just need to hit him with the ibuprofen. 

So, that's where we are.  School started on Wednesday, and so far it seems like the year will be pretty good.  It will take some time to get to know my students, as it always does, but I have a number of repeaters this year so at least I know some of the kids already.  Of course, that means that some of them already know my jokes...not good.

So, on the last unofficial day of summer, Labor Day, I am trying to absorb as much rest and relaxation as I can.  Here's hoping stress burns lots of calories!

Six weeks until school starts

Ugh.  I only have six weeks left of school.  This is the official halfway point of my summer.  And what have I accomplished?  Nothing!  This morning's weigh in was especially unfortunate: 237.4.  Managed to gain weight over the weekend.

I'm not feeling especially fabulous about this week, either.  The boys' sitter is on vacation this week, so I have the boys all day, every day, all week long.  Considering how quickly I lose my patience with them just in the evenings or on weekends, it's going to be a rough one.  The good news for today is that I managed to get the boys to take a nap.  Ian usually naps pretty well, but Brendan hates naps.  He's been down about an hour and a half so far.  We'll see how it goes.  I think I'm going to pile them into their swimsuits and take them to the spray park when they wake up.  Maybe.  I'm trying to figure out how these parents who take their kids to all these different activities do it.  I have a hard time wrangling both boys when I'm by myself, and of course I'm terrified I'll lose one of them somehow.

I decided I would try something different today.  I found a pin on Pinterest for a 30-day crunches challenge.  I need to do some other forms of exercise as well, but maybe this will at least thin my midsection a little bit.  I'm also thinking about picking up a step to do step aerobics.  That might thin my hips and butt.  I have several items of clothing that are just tight in the hips, butt, thighs, and waist but that could be worn if I can trim off some inches.  We'll see.

Anyway, for the ab challenge I started, today was supposed to be 30 crunches.  I did 30 standard crunches and added 15 to each side.  Tomorrow will be 75 crunches!  I don't know that I've ever done that many in a row.  We'll see how it goes; it's gonna burn for sure.

As far as the boys go, they are doing pretty well.  We went on Ian's first camping trip over the 4th of July weekend.  He was really clingy and whiny, and I doubt he really enjoyed it, but Brendan had a blast.  Ian did get his first 4-wheeler ride as well, but again, I can't imagine he really enjoyed it.  We're planning to camp again in a few months, so maybe he'll have a bit more fun then.

The boys had another first over the weekend: their first snowcones.  We went to an arts and crafts fair here in Billings.  It was hot, and there weren't as many kid-friendly activities as I had hoped, but there was a playground to play on.  And we got snowcones, so it was all good.

Well, I think I hear one of the boys stirring, so I'm going to change into shorts and get things ready for the spray park.  Whoo hoo!