Today's weigh-in: 206.0
Well, the month of January has been a bust. I'm still finishing the month (tomorrow) almost 25 lbs down from my starting point in October, but looking back at my weight this month, I've had so many plateaus and rebounds that I'm not finishing with any real weight loss for the month. I was at 207 at the beginning of the month; here I am at 206 on the second to the last day of the month. Even at my lightest weight so far, 204, I was only down not quite 4 lbs from that start point.
I think it's pretty clear that the diet alone is not really going to help me anymore. The days I've seen the best results have been days that I've chosen to not really eat dinner. That means it's the calorie restriction more than the ketogenic diet doing the work. It seems strange to me to put forth the effort of making dinner for my family and then not eat any of it. I'm not sure what kind of message that might send to my children in the long run. It's already hard enough to get them to sit still and eat their own food without me having to explain why I'm not eating anything.
I don't feel like I eat a lot. I have a couple cups of coffee during the day, with accompanying almond milk and/or cream; a celery stick with peanut butter; a couple of Atkins bars (which claim to be low in carbs, and have a lot of protein but not much fat); maybe a handful of nuts; meat and cheese for lunch; and then whatever we have for dinner, usually meat and veggies with some kind of cream sauce. My "splurge" is whipped cream, which I'm sure adds carbs because of the sugar in it, but I would have hoped I wasn't eating that much of it.
The worst thing so far is how tired I am. I just feel really run-down. My husband, having lost almost 60 lbs so far without much exercise, is feeling good and sleeping much better than he used to, but I'm still not sleeping great. I usually wake up a couple times at night, and when I wake up in the morning my muscles are stiff and sore and I have a headache. I still take blood pressure medication, and when I ran out the other day I gained a couple pounds but had high hopes that I would lose the weight again when refilling my meds, but it didn't really happen. I really want to sleep. All the time.
I wonder if it's "that time of the month" for me. I never know anymore; I have Mirena bc that has allowed me to not have a period since it was put in almost 4 years ago. But I know I still get moody. And that's how I've been feeling: sad and tired and disappointed.
I know I need to start exercising, but I just don't have any energy or motivation to do so. I want to start walking the dog again in the mornings instead of just putting her out in the yard, but when it's cold and windy out, I don't have the desire to do so.
I'm stuck in a rut. Boo hiss. Hopefully February will bring much-needed changes.
Pool Time
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Slow Going
Today's weigh-in: 204.8
I'm only down three pounds since the beginning of the year. I actually had a nasty plateau, where I was stuck between 207-208 for an entire week and then jumped back up to 209 for a week, and then suddenly lost 4 lbs in two days and eventually made it down to 204. So I continue to lose, but it is slow going indeed. While my husband is over 50 lbs down from his starting weight, he's lost more than twice what I have, and he doesn't seem to have the same struggle with plateauing that I do.
I think what this means for me is that I truly do need to pay close attention to how much I'm eating. Also, I seem to do better when I don't eat dinner. Which makes sense, I suppose, because it would suggest that I take in more calories when I eat dinner. What seems to work best for me is to have a couple cups of coffee in the morning, a small lunch, a snack in mid afternoon, and a snack when I get home from work. That, of course, is difficult if I'm making a full meal for everyone else. I guess I can make dinner and just not really eat any of it.
I also really need to start working out. I haven't done anything yet, and I suspect that it will help my weight loss as long as I don't start adding too much muscle. I do need to tone my arms, because they are distressingly flabby. Gross.
Anyway, my next milestone is to be below 200. I'd love for it to happen before the beginning of February, but I'm not holding my breath.
I have another goal as well. I would like to get the house cleaned up and more organized. I've done a little bit so far; I sorted through a bit of the boys' clothes and tossed some of the stuff that's too old/small, and I went through a couple of my dresser drawers and did the same. Sadly, it meant that I had to say goodbye to a few shirts that I've had for a really long time, including a few St. Agnes shirts. I just need to remember that some of the smaller shirts that I have might start fitting again, and that the bigger stuff can go. If I were craftsy, I'd try to make my SAA shirts into a t-shirt quilt, but I don't have the ability to do it myself, and I'm not willing to spend money to have someone else do it.
I need to go through the rest of my dresser drawers and get that cleaned out. Then I should tackle my closet. The shoes have mostly been sorted already. I want to get the closet more usable, since it's so crowded. I need to figure out some kind of trays or baskets that I can use to organize under the bathroom sinks and on the over-the-toilet shelves. And of course the boys have a ton of toys that need to be sorted and tossed. I also have thousands of Magic cards that need to be sorted, alphabetized, and filed away. Maybe I can skip a day of school to work on that.
So it's a lot, but it has to be done at some point. It's all part of pretending to be a grown-up.
I'm only down three pounds since the beginning of the year. I actually had a nasty plateau, where I was stuck between 207-208 for an entire week and then jumped back up to 209 for a week, and then suddenly lost 4 lbs in two days and eventually made it down to 204. So I continue to lose, but it is slow going indeed. While my husband is over 50 lbs down from his starting weight, he's lost more than twice what I have, and he doesn't seem to have the same struggle with plateauing that I do.
I think what this means for me is that I truly do need to pay close attention to how much I'm eating. Also, I seem to do better when I don't eat dinner. Which makes sense, I suppose, because it would suggest that I take in more calories when I eat dinner. What seems to work best for me is to have a couple cups of coffee in the morning, a small lunch, a snack in mid afternoon, and a snack when I get home from work. That, of course, is difficult if I'm making a full meal for everyone else. I guess I can make dinner and just not really eat any of it.
I also really need to start working out. I haven't done anything yet, and I suspect that it will help my weight loss as long as I don't start adding too much muscle. I do need to tone my arms, because they are distressingly flabby. Gross.
Anyway, my next milestone is to be below 200. I'd love for it to happen before the beginning of February, but I'm not holding my breath.
I have another goal as well. I would like to get the house cleaned up and more organized. I've done a little bit so far; I sorted through a bit of the boys' clothes and tossed some of the stuff that's too old/small, and I went through a couple of my dresser drawers and did the same. Sadly, it meant that I had to say goodbye to a few shirts that I've had for a really long time, including a few St. Agnes shirts. I just need to remember that some of the smaller shirts that I have might start fitting again, and that the bigger stuff can go. If I were craftsy, I'd try to make my SAA shirts into a t-shirt quilt, but I don't have the ability to do it myself, and I'm not willing to spend money to have someone else do it.
I need to go through the rest of my dresser drawers and get that cleaned out. Then I should tackle my closet. The shoes have mostly been sorted already. I want to get the closet more usable, since it's so crowded. I need to figure out some kind of trays or baskets that I can use to organize under the bathroom sinks and on the over-the-toilet shelves. And of course the boys have a ton of toys that need to be sorted and tossed. I also have thousands of Magic cards that need to be sorted, alphabetized, and filed away. Maybe I can skip a day of school to work on that.
So it's a lot, but it has to be done at some point. It's all part of pretending to be a grown-up.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Happy New Year!
Today's weigh-in: 207.8.
I had really hoped to start off 2016 with my lowest weight in years (which was yesterday's weigh-in of 207 flat), but I apparently ate a lot yesterday. I'll try to do better today.
So, the low carb diet has been working, although not without its difficulties. Despite what some low carbers say, I do feel that I need to be mindful of the calories I consume, but of course most of my attention goes to making sure I'm not eating carbs and am eating fat. The whole thing still seems weird and counterintuitive to me, but it seems to be working. Since starting this diet on October 26, 2015, I have lost 23 lbs. Prior to the diet, I had lost only three lbs the entire rest of 2015. I would say that is evidence to suggest that the low carb diet has merit. I'm hoping to continue the weight loss. I don't really have any "goals" exactly; I just want to lose as much as I can. I guess when the weight loss finally stops, it will be time to put myself in maintenance mode. I'm sort of hoping that will be down around 150 lbs, which would be about an 80-lb loss, but I don't know what is possible and what is likely. The milestones coming up would be 206 (the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brendan), 200 (the weight I was right after we moved to Billings), and 175 (my previous lightest weight back in 2006 or so). It will also be nice to be back in the weight ranges for my boats. I'd love to start boating again.
Since it's the first day of the new year, I guess it's time for some resolutions. Some of these are hard and fast goals to accomplish, others are just things to get better about.
1) Obviously, the weight loss is the first item. Like I said, I don't have any specific goals in mind; I just want to keep losing. My husband has lost almost 50 lbs on this diet, more than twice what I've lost. I need to keep at it. Not that it's a competition, but still... Part of my desire with the weight loss is to start incorporating exercise. It boggles my mind that I've lost over 20 lbs without any kind of exercise at all, but I'm pretty sure that the weight loss won't continue, at least not at its present rate, without a little help. I'd like to exercise 3 times a week, for now, maybe for about 20 minutes or so. I'll start small.
2) Do a better job at work. This one is pretty non-specific, and encompasses a number of things. I've been intending to compile binders for all the units I teach in each class, which will include a unit rationale and overview, a schedule, the standards alignment for all the assignments, the assignments themselves, and any additional materials. That would be nice, to have everything right where I can find it, instead of digging in my file cabinets over and over again. That doesn't mean that I'll always get to everything; I never do. I'd also like to do a better job of getting stuff graded quickly. I started out ok this semester, but now I'm way behind. I'm currently trying to grade an essay they turned in back in mid December, a travel brochure they turned in right before break, AND the rough draft of an argumentative essay that must contain comments and corrections...by Monday. Great.
3) Clean up the house. I have a few specific jobs that I want to accomplish. I need to finish sorting/tossing the toys in the basement. They've been stuffed into plastic tubs for long enough now that I'm sure the boys won't even remember most of them, let alone want to play with them. It's just a matter of getting them out of the house without the boys noticing. I'd like my husband to build some storage system down there; that would certainly help. I also need to get my Magic cards sorted, alphabetized, and stored. I'd like to make some new decks, not that I ever play anymore, but I can't really do that if I don't know what I have. Lastly, I'd like to get some storage baskets and tubs and such for the bathrooms, to more easily store things like makeup and stuff like that. Right now things are just kind of all over the counters or tossed under the sink, which doesn't help us find anything. I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff I could include, like sorting my clothes and getting rid of stuff that's outdated or doesn't fit, but I'm reluctant to do some of that with the weight loss that's progressing. I need to finish the clothing purge I've been doing for the boys, and I'm sure my husband needs to do some for himself. There's also the matter of printing photos and putting them in the frames that have been sitting idle for, gosh, years now, and we need to put away all the Christmas stuff. That's plenty for now.
Anyway, that's a good place to start. Time to go grade some essays.
I had really hoped to start off 2016 with my lowest weight in years (which was yesterday's weigh-in of 207 flat), but I apparently ate a lot yesterday. I'll try to do better today.
So, the low carb diet has been working, although not without its difficulties. Despite what some low carbers say, I do feel that I need to be mindful of the calories I consume, but of course most of my attention goes to making sure I'm not eating carbs and am eating fat. The whole thing still seems weird and counterintuitive to me, but it seems to be working. Since starting this diet on October 26, 2015, I have lost 23 lbs. Prior to the diet, I had lost only three lbs the entire rest of 2015. I would say that is evidence to suggest that the low carb diet has merit. I'm hoping to continue the weight loss. I don't really have any "goals" exactly; I just want to lose as much as I can. I guess when the weight loss finally stops, it will be time to put myself in maintenance mode. I'm sort of hoping that will be down around 150 lbs, which would be about an 80-lb loss, but I don't know what is possible and what is likely. The milestones coming up would be 206 (the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brendan), 200 (the weight I was right after we moved to Billings), and 175 (my previous lightest weight back in 2006 or so). It will also be nice to be back in the weight ranges for my boats. I'd love to start boating again.
Since it's the first day of the new year, I guess it's time for some resolutions. Some of these are hard and fast goals to accomplish, others are just things to get better about.
1) Obviously, the weight loss is the first item. Like I said, I don't have any specific goals in mind; I just want to keep losing. My husband has lost almost 50 lbs on this diet, more than twice what I've lost. I need to keep at it. Not that it's a competition, but still... Part of my desire with the weight loss is to start incorporating exercise. It boggles my mind that I've lost over 20 lbs without any kind of exercise at all, but I'm pretty sure that the weight loss won't continue, at least not at its present rate, without a little help. I'd like to exercise 3 times a week, for now, maybe for about 20 minutes or so. I'll start small.
2) Do a better job at work. This one is pretty non-specific, and encompasses a number of things. I've been intending to compile binders for all the units I teach in each class, which will include a unit rationale and overview, a schedule, the standards alignment for all the assignments, the assignments themselves, and any additional materials. That would be nice, to have everything right where I can find it, instead of digging in my file cabinets over and over again. That doesn't mean that I'll always get to everything; I never do. I'd also like to do a better job of getting stuff graded quickly. I started out ok this semester, but now I'm way behind. I'm currently trying to grade an essay they turned in back in mid December, a travel brochure they turned in right before break, AND the rough draft of an argumentative essay that must contain comments and corrections...by Monday. Great.
3) Clean up the house. I have a few specific jobs that I want to accomplish. I need to finish sorting/tossing the toys in the basement. They've been stuffed into plastic tubs for long enough now that I'm sure the boys won't even remember most of them, let alone want to play with them. It's just a matter of getting them out of the house without the boys noticing. I'd like my husband to build some storage system down there; that would certainly help. I also need to get my Magic cards sorted, alphabetized, and stored. I'd like to make some new decks, not that I ever play anymore, but I can't really do that if I don't know what I have. Lastly, I'd like to get some storage baskets and tubs and such for the bathrooms, to more easily store things like makeup and stuff like that. Right now things are just kind of all over the counters or tossed under the sink, which doesn't help us find anything. I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff I could include, like sorting my clothes and getting rid of stuff that's outdated or doesn't fit, but I'm reluctant to do some of that with the weight loss that's progressing. I need to finish the clothing purge I've been doing for the boys, and I'm sure my husband needs to do some for himself. There's also the matter of printing photos and putting them in the frames that have been sitting idle for, gosh, years now, and we need to put away all the Christmas stuff. That's plenty for now.
Anyway, that's a good place to start. Time to go grade some essays.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Too tired to think about low carb
Today's weigh-in: 222.4
Well, I'm down about 7 lbs since the beginning of the week. What I've read about the ketogenic (low carb, high fat) diet is that the quick weight loss at the beginning is mostly water weight. That means it's easy to gain back. So I need to be really careful to continue the diet to ensure that my weight doesn't go back up. I know from watching my hubby in his attempt, which has gone on about three weeks longer than mine has, is that after about two weeks the weight loss will slow down. I'm hoping that, by that time, I can be down about 20 lbs. I think that will make a big difference, since I haven't even incorporated working out into the equation yet.
Tomorrow is the first day of November, and I think I'll try to do one of those workout "challenges" that I see on Pinterest all the time. Maybe that will keep me from bogging down in the diet.
But I just have no energy at all. I don't know what it is; I guess it could just be my body wanting its carbs. Hopefully this will get easier once my body gets a little more used to the diet. Cross your fingers.
Well, I'm down about 7 lbs since the beginning of the week. What I've read about the ketogenic (low carb, high fat) diet is that the quick weight loss at the beginning is mostly water weight. That means it's easy to gain back. So I need to be really careful to continue the diet to ensure that my weight doesn't go back up. I know from watching my hubby in his attempt, which has gone on about three weeks longer than mine has, is that after about two weeks the weight loss will slow down. I'm hoping that, by that time, I can be down about 20 lbs. I think that will make a big difference, since I haven't even incorporated working out into the equation yet.
Tomorrow is the first day of November, and I think I'll try to do one of those workout "challenges" that I see on Pinterest all the time. Maybe that will keep me from bogging down in the diet.
But I just have no energy at all. I don't know what it is; I guess it could just be my body wanting its carbs. Hopefully this will get easier once my body gets a little more used to the diet. Cross your fingers.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Positives and Negatives
So, on the positive side, I've exercised for five days in a row. That's way better than I've done in a long time. I've been recording my walks with the Map My Walk app, and other than a slight misstep yesterday with the app (my battery was low so the GPS ceased functioning properly, failing to register at least half a mile of my walk), it seems to be going ok. I was really sore at first, but that's gotten better. I did have to get new shoes on Thursday after the other two pairs I own blistered my pinky toes and my heels, but the new shoes seem to do the job pretty well. My mile split time hasn't really improved yet, mostly because I was gimping along with the blisters, but I hope that will get better as well. I probably won't ever get much over three miles (about a 5K), simply because I'm not dedicating more than about an hour to the workout, but if I can increase my speed...we'll see. Anyway, I also went for two bike rides this week, although I neglected to record them with any apps. I did download the sister app, Map My Ride, but haven't used it yet. Both times I didn't ride far or ride fast, but I was lugging little brother in his bike trailer, so that probably increased the workout.
Another positive is that I finished the required work for this AP training I'm attending next week. We were notified three weeks before the start of the workshop that we had to read and bring with us four short stories and three out of four novels. I will need to go back over some study guides for the novels (especially Heart of Darkness, which took me forever to read even though it's really short) to remind myself of some stuff, but I actually read all the stories and am even working on the fourth novel even though we only had to read three of them. I saved the longest for last, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, but I actually find this one the most interesting of the novels. Oh well. I won't have it finished by the time we go to the workshop (we leave tomorrow evening), but I'll probably be at least halfway through it. I printed off and compiled a huge binder full of study guides and lesson plans for the stories and novels as well. We were supposed to bring an English literature curriculum, so I printed one off as well. I really don't know what to expect from this training--I've only attended one other AP training, on teaching rhetoric. I really need to pull those materials back out and look them over again, as I never really did anything with them. I'm glad to be attending this workshop with friends, three other English teachers from my school.
I'm glad I got my reading done, and I'm proud of having worked out for five days in a row...but on to the negatives...
I gained two pounds this week.
Yep, 233.4.
I was 231.6 on Monday. I've exercised seven times in five days. I've walked nearly 10 miles. And yet I gained two pounds. That is so very disappointing. I'm pretty sure I know why, academically I mean. Getting up early and exercising makes me hungry. So instead of just having a cup of coffee and not actually eating anything until later in the morning, I end up having toast or a bowl of cereal. My metabolism might be cranked up, but I'm also feeding it more. I've also eaten some things I shouldn't have, like popcorn and candy at a movie on Tuesday, ice cream a few nights of the week, and cupcakes which I made for the boys. But I would have hoped that the exercise might at least mitigate some of that. I really expected to be sitting at the same weight from Monday, at the worst, so this really is a disappointment.
I should do better about eating this week, since I'm at this conference and can't really snack much, but I am probably going to be eating out a bit as well. I don't know about exercising, either. I hope the hotel we're in has a gym or something I can use, because I don't know anything about the neighborhood we'll be in and whether or not it would be a good idea to walk there. I also don't know if altitude will have any effect on me. Bozeman is about 1500 ft higher than Billings, and I do have a noted sensitivity to altitude. We'll just have to see.
Also on the negative side: potty training. Ian is starting preschool this fall, and they require the kids to be potty trained, no pull-ups or anything. They start school in September, which means we still have two complete months to work on this, but he's really not interested at all. I think I'm going to have to put him in underpants and carry rug cleaner around with me so that when he does end up peeing on the floor I can clean it up. The trip we took didn't help at all--we couldn't stop that often for him to potty, and although we did put him on the big potties when we would stop, he usually had already used his diaper. We also brought his potty with use and tried to use it as often as we could, but with the schedule we were on, it just didn't work out well. That means we really need to get on it. He does OK at his sitter's house, but she takes the potty everywhere in the house they go (including the yard) and puts him on it. Well, I do that at home too, but he cries when I do it, and like I said somehow I miss the timing and he's already used his diaper. And it means we really can't go anywhere, like the playground or the spray park, until he's gotten better about the potty. Sigh.
So anyway, there have been positives and negatives this week. I just need to get more positives.
Another positive is that I finished the required work for this AP training I'm attending next week. We were notified three weeks before the start of the workshop that we had to read and bring with us four short stories and three out of four novels. I will need to go back over some study guides for the novels (especially Heart of Darkness, which took me forever to read even though it's really short) to remind myself of some stuff, but I actually read all the stories and am even working on the fourth novel even though we only had to read three of them. I saved the longest for last, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, but I actually find this one the most interesting of the novels. Oh well. I won't have it finished by the time we go to the workshop (we leave tomorrow evening), but I'll probably be at least halfway through it. I printed off and compiled a huge binder full of study guides and lesson plans for the stories and novels as well. We were supposed to bring an English literature curriculum, so I printed one off as well. I really don't know what to expect from this training--I've only attended one other AP training, on teaching rhetoric. I really need to pull those materials back out and look them over again, as I never really did anything with them. I'm glad to be attending this workshop with friends, three other English teachers from my school.
I'm glad I got my reading done, and I'm proud of having worked out for five days in a row...but on to the negatives...
I gained two pounds this week.
Yep, 233.4.
I was 231.6 on Monday. I've exercised seven times in five days. I've walked nearly 10 miles. And yet I gained two pounds. That is so very disappointing. I'm pretty sure I know why, academically I mean. Getting up early and exercising makes me hungry. So instead of just having a cup of coffee and not actually eating anything until later in the morning, I end up having toast or a bowl of cereal. My metabolism might be cranked up, but I'm also feeding it more. I've also eaten some things I shouldn't have, like popcorn and candy at a movie on Tuesday, ice cream a few nights of the week, and cupcakes which I made for the boys. But I would have hoped that the exercise might at least mitigate some of that. I really expected to be sitting at the same weight from Monday, at the worst, so this really is a disappointment.
I should do better about eating this week, since I'm at this conference and can't really snack much, but I am probably going to be eating out a bit as well. I don't know about exercising, either. I hope the hotel we're in has a gym or something I can use, because I don't know anything about the neighborhood we'll be in and whether or not it would be a good idea to walk there. I also don't know if altitude will have any effect on me. Bozeman is about 1500 ft higher than Billings, and I do have a noted sensitivity to altitude. We'll just have to see.
Also on the negative side: potty training. Ian is starting preschool this fall, and they require the kids to be potty trained, no pull-ups or anything. They start school in September, which means we still have two complete months to work on this, but he's really not interested at all. I think I'm going to have to put him in underpants and carry rug cleaner around with me so that when he does end up peeing on the floor I can clean it up. The trip we took didn't help at all--we couldn't stop that often for him to potty, and although we did put him on the big potties when we would stop, he usually had already used his diaper. We also brought his potty with use and tried to use it as often as we could, but with the schedule we were on, it just didn't work out well. That means we really need to get on it. He does OK at his sitter's house, but she takes the potty everywhere in the house they go (including the yard) and puts him on it. Well, I do that at home too, but he cries when I do it, and like I said somehow I miss the timing and he's already used his diaper. And it means we really can't go anywhere, like the playground or the spray park, until he's gotten better about the potty. Sigh.
So anyway, there have been positives and negatives this week. I just need to get more positives.
Monday, June 22, 2015
My first "real" day of summer break
School has actually been out since June 5, but with company in town for my younger son's birthday and then a 10-day trip to visit family and friends in the south, today, Monday, June 22, is really my first actual day of summer. Today is the day we try to establish our summer routine. It shouldn't be too bad; the sitter is taking the boys Tuesdays through Thursdays, so I'm only solo on Mondays and Fridays. But the boys are definitely testing my patience. It's only 1:30 in the afternoon and I'm already completely done for the day.
I did get up at 6:00 this morning even though it's summer break, so that I could get a walk in before the boys got up. My weight was 231.6 this morning; not bad, considering how much unhealthy food we've eaten in the past two weeks: fast food, snacks in the car, and lots of southern barbecue and other yummies. I started out easy. I only walked about 25 minutes and did about 1 1/2 miles. I'll add a little each day. I would also like to hit the gym a few days a week.
Anyway, I've got lots of plans for the summer, most of which probably won't ever get started, let alone finished, but at least I've got a few goals. For now, I've got to get some reading done; I'm attending an AP training workshop next week and I have three novels and four short stories to finish by Sunday. Right now, I've only read 1 2/3 of the novels... O.o
I did get up at 6:00 this morning even though it's summer break, so that I could get a walk in before the boys got up. My weight was 231.6 this morning; not bad, considering how much unhealthy food we've eaten in the past two weeks: fast food, snacks in the car, and lots of southern barbecue and other yummies. I started out easy. I only walked about 25 minutes and did about 1 1/2 miles. I'll add a little each day. I would also like to hit the gym a few days a week.
Anyway, I've got lots of plans for the summer, most of which probably won't ever get started, let alone finished, but at least I've got a few goals. For now, I've got to get some reading done; I'm attending an AP training workshop next week and I have three novels and four short stories to finish by Sunday. Right now, I've only read 1 2/3 of the novels... O.o
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to Me.
No weigh-in today. It's the middle of the day, and I've eaten plenty of food, so it wouldn't be a legit weigh-in. Besides after eating fast food and a big pre-Mother's Day dinner yesterday with dessert and everything, it wouldn't be a good weigh-in. But nothing has changed from the usual. I should be just under 230, where I have languished since January. No working out, moderately trying to eat right (salad at lunch every day). It doesn't matter. Without hard-core exercise, the weight won't change.
I'm soloing for Mother's Day. My husband had to travel for work, so he left at lunchtime today, leaving me with the boys until Wednesday night. It'll be a long few days, for sure. But there wasn't going to be much celebrating for Mother's Day anyway. My husband made me a steak dinner last night, which was great, but no card, no gift. It isn't that he's insensitive or anything like that, but he doesn't often think of gifts or whatnot. I'm usually responsible for holiday gift giving, for the most part. Couple that with a lack of money this week (heck, this lifetime), and there was no organized plan for the holiday. Brendan gave me a painted vase and tissue paper flower he made in preschool, and I got a card from my dad and texts from my sister-in-law and several friends. I've already had to deal with a messy nosebleed from Ian after a head to head collision with his big brother, that has created a bunch more laundry to do. Yay.
I don't really feel much like celebrating my motherhood right now, anyway. While I love my boys, and nothing will ever change that, I do not like parenting. Life right now is very few hugs, snuggles, and adorable moments, and lots of dirty diapers from a potty-training-resistant almost-three-year-old, nasty attitude from a terribly badly-behaved four-year-old, and misery. The boys have brought out a side of me that I did not ever imagine I had: a mean-spirited, violence-threatening, constantly angry me. I swear all the time. I shout all the time. And I occasionally desire to lash out physically; while I don't hit my children, I have actually let Brendan know how much I wish I could. I am terrified that I am instilling in him the idea that it's ok to hit people or at least threaten them, but I don't know how to stop myself from getting so angry.
I am never happy. I teeter between anger and tears all the time. I spend every moment at home wishing I was anywhere but here, and I spend every moment at work wishing I was home. It doesn't make any sense. I am miserable, and I don't know what to do. I know my husband is frustrated and confused with the changes I've gone through since having kids; while I occasionally experienced depression, I was not a truly depressed person until I had kids. I feel like I don't get as much help from him as I need--I'm the one who gets the kids up and ready in the morning, I'm the one who gets their meals together, and I'm the one who gets them bathed, jammied, and in bed, 90% of the time. I'm the one who does most of the laundry and dishes. He spends most of his time in the easy chair with his laptop, tablet, or phone, watching tv. It's surely not as bad as I perceive it to be, but it sure feels that way.
As Mother's Day approached, I read some internet posts about what mothers really want for Mother's Day, like a massage that isn't intended to be seductive, a foot rub that lasts more than 90 seconds, a thank you, stuff like that. I thought about what I wanted for Mother's Day, and the only thing that came to mind was the desire to go back to the way things were before I was a mother.
Before kids, we could go where we wanted to go and do what we wanted to do, whenever we wanted to do it. We didn't necessarily have any more money than we do now, but there was less pressure to use it responsibly, I guess--we didn't have to worry about the kids losing their daycare or their preschool because we couldn't pay the bill. There was less mess. Not that we were very clean people before, but we didn't have books and toys and goldfish crackers everywhere.
I'm paranoid posting something like this, because I have a terrible feeling that I'm going to be judged for feeling like this. I don't want to get rid of my kids. I don't want to hurt my kids. And I don't want my kids to grow up, read this somehow, and feel that they are awful people and ruined my life. I just miss the days that I didn't have to be responsible for anyone other than myself. I miss being happy more often than unhappy.
So it's not "Happy Mother's Day"...it's just Mother's Day. Same old same old.
No weigh-in today. It's the middle of the day, and I've eaten plenty of food, so it wouldn't be a legit weigh-in. Besides after eating fast food and a big pre-Mother's Day dinner yesterday with dessert and everything, it wouldn't be a good weigh-in. But nothing has changed from the usual. I should be just under 230, where I have languished since January. No working out, moderately trying to eat right (salad at lunch every day). It doesn't matter. Without hard-core exercise, the weight won't change.
I'm soloing for Mother's Day. My husband had to travel for work, so he left at lunchtime today, leaving me with the boys until Wednesday night. It'll be a long few days, for sure. But there wasn't going to be much celebrating for Mother's Day anyway. My husband made me a steak dinner last night, which was great, but no card, no gift. It isn't that he's insensitive or anything like that, but he doesn't often think of gifts or whatnot. I'm usually responsible for holiday gift giving, for the most part. Couple that with a lack of money this week (heck, this lifetime), and there was no organized plan for the holiday. Brendan gave me a painted vase and tissue paper flower he made in preschool, and I got a card from my dad and texts from my sister-in-law and several friends. I've already had to deal with a messy nosebleed from Ian after a head to head collision with his big brother, that has created a bunch more laundry to do. Yay.
I don't really feel much like celebrating my motherhood right now, anyway. While I love my boys, and nothing will ever change that, I do not like parenting. Life right now is very few hugs, snuggles, and adorable moments, and lots of dirty diapers from a potty-training-resistant almost-three-year-old, nasty attitude from a terribly badly-behaved four-year-old, and misery. The boys have brought out a side of me that I did not ever imagine I had: a mean-spirited, violence-threatening, constantly angry me. I swear all the time. I shout all the time. And I occasionally desire to lash out physically; while I don't hit my children, I have actually let Brendan know how much I wish I could. I am terrified that I am instilling in him the idea that it's ok to hit people or at least threaten them, but I don't know how to stop myself from getting so angry.
I am never happy. I teeter between anger and tears all the time. I spend every moment at home wishing I was anywhere but here, and I spend every moment at work wishing I was home. It doesn't make any sense. I am miserable, and I don't know what to do. I know my husband is frustrated and confused with the changes I've gone through since having kids; while I occasionally experienced depression, I was not a truly depressed person until I had kids. I feel like I don't get as much help from him as I need--I'm the one who gets the kids up and ready in the morning, I'm the one who gets their meals together, and I'm the one who gets them bathed, jammied, and in bed, 90% of the time. I'm the one who does most of the laundry and dishes. He spends most of his time in the easy chair with his laptop, tablet, or phone, watching tv. It's surely not as bad as I perceive it to be, but it sure feels that way.
As Mother's Day approached, I read some internet posts about what mothers really want for Mother's Day, like a massage that isn't intended to be seductive, a foot rub that lasts more than 90 seconds, a thank you, stuff like that. I thought about what I wanted for Mother's Day, and the only thing that came to mind was the desire to go back to the way things were before I was a mother.
Before kids, we could go where we wanted to go and do what we wanted to do, whenever we wanted to do it. We didn't necessarily have any more money than we do now, but there was less pressure to use it responsibly, I guess--we didn't have to worry about the kids losing their daycare or their preschool because we couldn't pay the bill. There was less mess. Not that we were very clean people before, but we didn't have books and toys and goldfish crackers everywhere.
I'm paranoid posting something like this, because I have a terrible feeling that I'm going to be judged for feeling like this. I don't want to get rid of my kids. I don't want to hurt my kids. And I don't want my kids to grow up, read this somehow, and feel that they are awful people and ruined my life. I just miss the days that I didn't have to be responsible for anyone other than myself. I miss being happy more often than unhappy.
So it's not "Happy Mother's Day"...it's just Mother's Day. Same old same old.
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