Today's weigh-in: 222.4
Well, I'm down about 7 lbs since the beginning of the week. What I've read about the ketogenic (low carb, high fat) diet is that the quick weight loss at the beginning is mostly water weight. That means it's easy to gain back. So I need to be really careful to continue the diet to ensure that my weight doesn't go back up. I know from watching my hubby in his attempt, which has gone on about three weeks longer than mine has, is that after about two weeks the weight loss will slow down. I'm hoping that, by that time, I can be down about 20 lbs. I think that will make a big difference, since I haven't even incorporated working out into the equation yet.
Tomorrow is the first day of November, and I think I'll try to do one of those workout "challenges" that I see on Pinterest all the time. Maybe that will keep me from bogging down in the diet.
But I just have no energy at all. I don't know what it is; I guess it could just be my body wanting its carbs. Hopefully this will get easier once my body gets a little more used to the diet. Cross your fingers.
Pool Time
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Positives and Negatives
So, on the positive side, I've exercised for five days in a row. That's way better than I've done in a long time. I've been recording my walks with the Map My Walk app, and other than a slight misstep yesterday with the app (my battery was low so the GPS ceased functioning properly, failing to register at least half a mile of my walk), it seems to be going ok. I was really sore at first, but that's gotten better. I did have to get new shoes on Thursday after the other two pairs I own blistered my pinky toes and my heels, but the new shoes seem to do the job pretty well. My mile split time hasn't really improved yet, mostly because I was gimping along with the blisters, but I hope that will get better as well. I probably won't ever get much over three miles (about a 5K), simply because I'm not dedicating more than about an hour to the workout, but if I can increase my speed...we'll see. Anyway, I also went for two bike rides this week, although I neglected to record them with any apps. I did download the sister app, Map My Ride, but haven't used it yet. Both times I didn't ride far or ride fast, but I was lugging little brother in his bike trailer, so that probably increased the workout.
Another positive is that I finished the required work for this AP training I'm attending next week. We were notified three weeks before the start of the workshop that we had to read and bring with us four short stories and three out of four novels. I will need to go back over some study guides for the novels (especially Heart of Darkness, which took me forever to read even though it's really short) to remind myself of some stuff, but I actually read all the stories and am even working on the fourth novel even though we only had to read three of them. I saved the longest for last, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, but I actually find this one the most interesting of the novels. Oh well. I won't have it finished by the time we go to the workshop (we leave tomorrow evening), but I'll probably be at least halfway through it. I printed off and compiled a huge binder full of study guides and lesson plans for the stories and novels as well. We were supposed to bring an English literature curriculum, so I printed one off as well. I really don't know what to expect from this training--I've only attended one other AP training, on teaching rhetoric. I really need to pull those materials back out and look them over again, as I never really did anything with them. I'm glad to be attending this workshop with friends, three other English teachers from my school.
I'm glad I got my reading done, and I'm proud of having worked out for five days in a row...but on to the negatives...
I gained two pounds this week.
Yep, 233.4.
I was 231.6 on Monday. I've exercised seven times in five days. I've walked nearly 10 miles. And yet I gained two pounds. That is so very disappointing. I'm pretty sure I know why, academically I mean. Getting up early and exercising makes me hungry. So instead of just having a cup of coffee and not actually eating anything until later in the morning, I end up having toast or a bowl of cereal. My metabolism might be cranked up, but I'm also feeding it more. I've also eaten some things I shouldn't have, like popcorn and candy at a movie on Tuesday, ice cream a few nights of the week, and cupcakes which I made for the boys. But I would have hoped that the exercise might at least mitigate some of that. I really expected to be sitting at the same weight from Monday, at the worst, so this really is a disappointment.
I should do better about eating this week, since I'm at this conference and can't really snack much, but I am probably going to be eating out a bit as well. I don't know about exercising, either. I hope the hotel we're in has a gym or something I can use, because I don't know anything about the neighborhood we'll be in and whether or not it would be a good idea to walk there. I also don't know if altitude will have any effect on me. Bozeman is about 1500 ft higher than Billings, and I do have a noted sensitivity to altitude. We'll just have to see.
Also on the negative side: potty training. Ian is starting preschool this fall, and they require the kids to be potty trained, no pull-ups or anything. They start school in September, which means we still have two complete months to work on this, but he's really not interested at all. I think I'm going to have to put him in underpants and carry rug cleaner around with me so that when he does end up peeing on the floor I can clean it up. The trip we took didn't help at all--we couldn't stop that often for him to potty, and although we did put him on the big potties when we would stop, he usually had already used his diaper. We also brought his potty with use and tried to use it as often as we could, but with the schedule we were on, it just didn't work out well. That means we really need to get on it. He does OK at his sitter's house, but she takes the potty everywhere in the house they go (including the yard) and puts him on it. Well, I do that at home too, but he cries when I do it, and like I said somehow I miss the timing and he's already used his diaper. And it means we really can't go anywhere, like the playground or the spray park, until he's gotten better about the potty. Sigh.
So anyway, there have been positives and negatives this week. I just need to get more positives.
Another positive is that I finished the required work for this AP training I'm attending next week. We were notified three weeks before the start of the workshop that we had to read and bring with us four short stories and three out of four novels. I will need to go back over some study guides for the novels (especially Heart of Darkness, which took me forever to read even though it's really short) to remind myself of some stuff, but I actually read all the stories and am even working on the fourth novel even though we only had to read three of them. I saved the longest for last, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, but I actually find this one the most interesting of the novels. Oh well. I won't have it finished by the time we go to the workshop (we leave tomorrow evening), but I'll probably be at least halfway through it. I printed off and compiled a huge binder full of study guides and lesson plans for the stories and novels as well. We were supposed to bring an English literature curriculum, so I printed one off as well. I really don't know what to expect from this training--I've only attended one other AP training, on teaching rhetoric. I really need to pull those materials back out and look them over again, as I never really did anything with them. I'm glad to be attending this workshop with friends, three other English teachers from my school.
I'm glad I got my reading done, and I'm proud of having worked out for five days in a row...but on to the negatives...
I gained two pounds this week.
Yep, 233.4.
I was 231.6 on Monday. I've exercised seven times in five days. I've walked nearly 10 miles. And yet I gained two pounds. That is so very disappointing. I'm pretty sure I know why, academically I mean. Getting up early and exercising makes me hungry. So instead of just having a cup of coffee and not actually eating anything until later in the morning, I end up having toast or a bowl of cereal. My metabolism might be cranked up, but I'm also feeding it more. I've also eaten some things I shouldn't have, like popcorn and candy at a movie on Tuesday, ice cream a few nights of the week, and cupcakes which I made for the boys. But I would have hoped that the exercise might at least mitigate some of that. I really expected to be sitting at the same weight from Monday, at the worst, so this really is a disappointment.
I should do better about eating this week, since I'm at this conference and can't really snack much, but I am probably going to be eating out a bit as well. I don't know about exercising, either. I hope the hotel we're in has a gym or something I can use, because I don't know anything about the neighborhood we'll be in and whether or not it would be a good idea to walk there. I also don't know if altitude will have any effect on me. Bozeman is about 1500 ft higher than Billings, and I do have a noted sensitivity to altitude. We'll just have to see.
Also on the negative side: potty training. Ian is starting preschool this fall, and they require the kids to be potty trained, no pull-ups or anything. They start school in September, which means we still have two complete months to work on this, but he's really not interested at all. I think I'm going to have to put him in underpants and carry rug cleaner around with me so that when he does end up peeing on the floor I can clean it up. The trip we took didn't help at all--we couldn't stop that often for him to potty, and although we did put him on the big potties when we would stop, he usually had already used his diaper. We also brought his potty with use and tried to use it as often as we could, but with the schedule we were on, it just didn't work out well. That means we really need to get on it. He does OK at his sitter's house, but she takes the potty everywhere in the house they go (including the yard) and puts him on it. Well, I do that at home too, but he cries when I do it, and like I said somehow I miss the timing and he's already used his diaper. And it means we really can't go anywhere, like the playground or the spray park, until he's gotten better about the potty. Sigh.
So anyway, there have been positives and negatives this week. I just need to get more positives.
Monday, June 22, 2015
My first "real" day of summer break
School has actually been out since June 5, but with company in town for my younger son's birthday and then a 10-day trip to visit family and friends in the south, today, Monday, June 22, is really my first actual day of summer. Today is the day we try to establish our summer routine. It shouldn't be too bad; the sitter is taking the boys Tuesdays through Thursdays, so I'm only solo on Mondays and Fridays. But the boys are definitely testing my patience. It's only 1:30 in the afternoon and I'm already completely done for the day.
I did get up at 6:00 this morning even though it's summer break, so that I could get a walk in before the boys got up. My weight was 231.6 this morning; not bad, considering how much unhealthy food we've eaten in the past two weeks: fast food, snacks in the car, and lots of southern barbecue and other yummies. I started out easy. I only walked about 25 minutes and did about 1 1/2 miles. I'll add a little each day. I would also like to hit the gym a few days a week.
Anyway, I've got lots of plans for the summer, most of which probably won't ever get started, let alone finished, but at least I've got a few goals. For now, I've got to get some reading done; I'm attending an AP training workshop next week and I have three novels and four short stories to finish by Sunday. Right now, I've only read 1 2/3 of the novels... O.o
I did get up at 6:00 this morning even though it's summer break, so that I could get a walk in before the boys got up. My weight was 231.6 this morning; not bad, considering how much unhealthy food we've eaten in the past two weeks: fast food, snacks in the car, and lots of southern barbecue and other yummies. I started out easy. I only walked about 25 minutes and did about 1 1/2 miles. I'll add a little each day. I would also like to hit the gym a few days a week.
Anyway, I've got lots of plans for the summer, most of which probably won't ever get started, let alone finished, but at least I've got a few goals. For now, I've got to get some reading done; I'm attending an AP training workshop next week and I have three novels and four short stories to finish by Sunday. Right now, I've only read 1 2/3 of the novels... O.o
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to Me.
No weigh-in today. It's the middle of the day, and I've eaten plenty of food, so it wouldn't be a legit weigh-in. Besides after eating fast food and a big pre-Mother's Day dinner yesterday with dessert and everything, it wouldn't be a good weigh-in. But nothing has changed from the usual. I should be just under 230, where I have languished since January. No working out, moderately trying to eat right (salad at lunch every day). It doesn't matter. Without hard-core exercise, the weight won't change.
I'm soloing for Mother's Day. My husband had to travel for work, so he left at lunchtime today, leaving me with the boys until Wednesday night. It'll be a long few days, for sure. But there wasn't going to be much celebrating for Mother's Day anyway. My husband made me a steak dinner last night, which was great, but no card, no gift. It isn't that he's insensitive or anything like that, but he doesn't often think of gifts or whatnot. I'm usually responsible for holiday gift giving, for the most part. Couple that with a lack of money this week (heck, this lifetime), and there was no organized plan for the holiday. Brendan gave me a painted vase and tissue paper flower he made in preschool, and I got a card from my dad and texts from my sister-in-law and several friends. I've already had to deal with a messy nosebleed from Ian after a head to head collision with his big brother, that has created a bunch more laundry to do. Yay.
I don't really feel much like celebrating my motherhood right now, anyway. While I love my boys, and nothing will ever change that, I do not like parenting. Life right now is very few hugs, snuggles, and adorable moments, and lots of dirty diapers from a potty-training-resistant almost-three-year-old, nasty attitude from a terribly badly-behaved four-year-old, and misery. The boys have brought out a side of me that I did not ever imagine I had: a mean-spirited, violence-threatening, constantly angry me. I swear all the time. I shout all the time. And I occasionally desire to lash out physically; while I don't hit my children, I have actually let Brendan know how much I wish I could. I am terrified that I am instilling in him the idea that it's ok to hit people or at least threaten them, but I don't know how to stop myself from getting so angry.
I am never happy. I teeter between anger and tears all the time. I spend every moment at home wishing I was anywhere but here, and I spend every moment at work wishing I was home. It doesn't make any sense. I am miserable, and I don't know what to do. I know my husband is frustrated and confused with the changes I've gone through since having kids; while I occasionally experienced depression, I was not a truly depressed person until I had kids. I feel like I don't get as much help from him as I need--I'm the one who gets the kids up and ready in the morning, I'm the one who gets their meals together, and I'm the one who gets them bathed, jammied, and in bed, 90% of the time. I'm the one who does most of the laundry and dishes. He spends most of his time in the easy chair with his laptop, tablet, or phone, watching tv. It's surely not as bad as I perceive it to be, but it sure feels that way.
As Mother's Day approached, I read some internet posts about what mothers really want for Mother's Day, like a massage that isn't intended to be seductive, a foot rub that lasts more than 90 seconds, a thank you, stuff like that. I thought about what I wanted for Mother's Day, and the only thing that came to mind was the desire to go back to the way things were before I was a mother.
Before kids, we could go where we wanted to go and do what we wanted to do, whenever we wanted to do it. We didn't necessarily have any more money than we do now, but there was less pressure to use it responsibly, I guess--we didn't have to worry about the kids losing their daycare or their preschool because we couldn't pay the bill. There was less mess. Not that we were very clean people before, but we didn't have books and toys and goldfish crackers everywhere.
I'm paranoid posting something like this, because I have a terrible feeling that I'm going to be judged for feeling like this. I don't want to get rid of my kids. I don't want to hurt my kids. And I don't want my kids to grow up, read this somehow, and feel that they are awful people and ruined my life. I just miss the days that I didn't have to be responsible for anyone other than myself. I miss being happy more often than unhappy.
So it's not "Happy Mother's Day"...it's just Mother's Day. Same old same old.
No weigh-in today. It's the middle of the day, and I've eaten plenty of food, so it wouldn't be a legit weigh-in. Besides after eating fast food and a big pre-Mother's Day dinner yesterday with dessert and everything, it wouldn't be a good weigh-in. But nothing has changed from the usual. I should be just under 230, where I have languished since January. No working out, moderately trying to eat right (salad at lunch every day). It doesn't matter. Without hard-core exercise, the weight won't change.
I'm soloing for Mother's Day. My husband had to travel for work, so he left at lunchtime today, leaving me with the boys until Wednesday night. It'll be a long few days, for sure. But there wasn't going to be much celebrating for Mother's Day anyway. My husband made me a steak dinner last night, which was great, but no card, no gift. It isn't that he's insensitive or anything like that, but he doesn't often think of gifts or whatnot. I'm usually responsible for holiday gift giving, for the most part. Couple that with a lack of money this week (heck, this lifetime), and there was no organized plan for the holiday. Brendan gave me a painted vase and tissue paper flower he made in preschool, and I got a card from my dad and texts from my sister-in-law and several friends. I've already had to deal with a messy nosebleed from Ian after a head to head collision with his big brother, that has created a bunch more laundry to do. Yay.
I don't really feel much like celebrating my motherhood right now, anyway. While I love my boys, and nothing will ever change that, I do not like parenting. Life right now is very few hugs, snuggles, and adorable moments, and lots of dirty diapers from a potty-training-resistant almost-three-year-old, nasty attitude from a terribly badly-behaved four-year-old, and misery. The boys have brought out a side of me that I did not ever imagine I had: a mean-spirited, violence-threatening, constantly angry me. I swear all the time. I shout all the time. And I occasionally desire to lash out physically; while I don't hit my children, I have actually let Brendan know how much I wish I could. I am terrified that I am instilling in him the idea that it's ok to hit people or at least threaten them, but I don't know how to stop myself from getting so angry.
I am never happy. I teeter between anger and tears all the time. I spend every moment at home wishing I was anywhere but here, and I spend every moment at work wishing I was home. It doesn't make any sense. I am miserable, and I don't know what to do. I know my husband is frustrated and confused with the changes I've gone through since having kids; while I occasionally experienced depression, I was not a truly depressed person until I had kids. I feel like I don't get as much help from him as I need--I'm the one who gets the kids up and ready in the morning, I'm the one who gets their meals together, and I'm the one who gets them bathed, jammied, and in bed, 90% of the time. I'm the one who does most of the laundry and dishes. He spends most of his time in the easy chair with his laptop, tablet, or phone, watching tv. It's surely not as bad as I perceive it to be, but it sure feels that way.
As Mother's Day approached, I read some internet posts about what mothers really want for Mother's Day, like a massage that isn't intended to be seductive, a foot rub that lasts more than 90 seconds, a thank you, stuff like that. I thought about what I wanted for Mother's Day, and the only thing that came to mind was the desire to go back to the way things were before I was a mother.
Before kids, we could go where we wanted to go and do what we wanted to do, whenever we wanted to do it. We didn't necessarily have any more money than we do now, but there was less pressure to use it responsibly, I guess--we didn't have to worry about the kids losing their daycare or their preschool because we couldn't pay the bill. There was less mess. Not that we were very clean people before, but we didn't have books and toys and goldfish crackers everywhere.
I'm paranoid posting something like this, because I have a terrible feeling that I'm going to be judged for feeling like this. I don't want to get rid of my kids. I don't want to hurt my kids. And I don't want my kids to grow up, read this somehow, and feel that they are awful people and ruined my life. I just miss the days that I didn't have to be responsible for anyone other than myself. I miss being happy more often than unhappy.
So it's not "Happy Mother's Day"...it's just Mother's Day. Same old same old.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Time to start over (again...and again)
Well, my original plan, to be nice and skinny by the time I turned 40, failed. My birthday was two weeks ago, and here I am, still fat. The good news is that I am a teeny, tiny bit skinnier than I was. But it's pretty much just a victory on paper.
Today's weigh-in: 233.4
I am the lightest I've been since...well, I'm not entirely sure when. Not sure I got this low after having Ian, and pretty sure I was only about five pounds lighter than this after having Brendan. So I guess that is a good thing.
However, I still have a long, long way to go before I am at a point where I'll feel good about myself (that point is probably anywhere under 175 lbs).
I pooped out on my working out, after trying to make 30 days in September (which didn't quite happen--I think I made it two weeks). However, I've got the chance to start over again. The time change was this past weekend, and unlike spring when we leap forward an hour and stagger around short of sleep, we got an extra hour of sleep when we fell back. If I can keep getting up at the same time--5 am, which used to be 6 am--and make sure that I go to sleep a bit earlier than I would otherwise, I may be able to maintain my workout schedule. I didn't accomplish much this morning, just some marching in place, stretching, a few minutes on the elliptical, and some arm weights. But that still is a good place to start. I need to rotate the weights, walking, and elliptical, because I got really bored doing just the walking workouts in September. I have a Belly Blasting walking workout that I still haven't tried, too.
Also, we are making an effort to eat better. My husband pointed out that the last time we lost significant weight, in 2005 or so, he was just eating a sandwich or cereal at dinner time (because I was coaching swimming and wasn't home until after 9). I wasn't necessarily eating that healthy at that point, but I was working out regularly. We will have to be careful to feed the boys what they need, and try to push veggies and such. We also need to watch out for the leftover Halloween candy, which we have a ton of.
We have some motivation (although that never seems to matter to me). We are skiing for the week after Christmas with my in-laws. I know we won't be skiing all day every day--we have one little one who won't be old enough to do any skiing, and I know Brendan will want to do other things too)--but we need to be in good enough shape to do perhaps half a day each day. That's a lot, so we need to get on it. I'd also like to fit into all my ski apparel...
On an unrelated note, we've passed a few milestones lately. Brendan turned four a couple weeks ago, and he's definitely not a toddler anymore. He started preschool in September, and he loves it. I have no idea what he's actually learning, because he doesn't ever tell us anything about school, but in talking to his teacher, he is apparently at least a well-behaved kid at school. I'm glad, because he is a little turd at home most of the time. He talks back, tells fibs, and spends a lot of time standing in the corner as punishment. Ian has finally gotten around to talking. It's still difficult to tell what he's saying, most of the time, but he babbles a lot and wants to converse. He loves asking questions. He's a cute little stinker. He's started doing some of the two-year-old bratty stuff we saw with Brendan, doing things he knows he's not supposed to do, being a super-picky eater, whining about everything that happens, stuff like that. I'm just glad he's getting more verbal. We really worried about his language skills, but he seems to be getting past that.
Anyway, I will try to post more often. So many goals, so little willpower...
Today's weigh-in: 233.4
I am the lightest I've been since...well, I'm not entirely sure when. Not sure I got this low after having Ian, and pretty sure I was only about five pounds lighter than this after having Brendan. So I guess that is a good thing.
However, I still have a long, long way to go before I am at a point where I'll feel good about myself (that point is probably anywhere under 175 lbs).
I pooped out on my working out, after trying to make 30 days in September (which didn't quite happen--I think I made it two weeks). However, I've got the chance to start over again. The time change was this past weekend, and unlike spring when we leap forward an hour and stagger around short of sleep, we got an extra hour of sleep when we fell back. If I can keep getting up at the same time--5 am, which used to be 6 am--and make sure that I go to sleep a bit earlier than I would otherwise, I may be able to maintain my workout schedule. I didn't accomplish much this morning, just some marching in place, stretching, a few minutes on the elliptical, and some arm weights. But that still is a good place to start. I need to rotate the weights, walking, and elliptical, because I got really bored doing just the walking workouts in September. I have a Belly Blasting walking workout that I still haven't tried, too.
Also, we are making an effort to eat better. My husband pointed out that the last time we lost significant weight, in 2005 or so, he was just eating a sandwich or cereal at dinner time (because I was coaching swimming and wasn't home until after 9). I wasn't necessarily eating that healthy at that point, but I was working out regularly. We will have to be careful to feed the boys what they need, and try to push veggies and such. We also need to watch out for the leftover Halloween candy, which we have a ton of.
We have some motivation (although that never seems to matter to me). We are skiing for the week after Christmas with my in-laws. I know we won't be skiing all day every day--we have one little one who won't be old enough to do any skiing, and I know Brendan will want to do other things too)--but we need to be in good enough shape to do perhaps half a day each day. That's a lot, so we need to get on it. I'd also like to fit into all my ski apparel...
On an unrelated note, we've passed a few milestones lately. Brendan turned four a couple weeks ago, and he's definitely not a toddler anymore. He started preschool in September, and he loves it. I have no idea what he's actually learning, because he doesn't ever tell us anything about school, but in talking to his teacher, he is apparently at least a well-behaved kid at school. I'm glad, because he is a little turd at home most of the time. He talks back, tells fibs, and spends a lot of time standing in the corner as punishment. Ian has finally gotten around to talking. It's still difficult to tell what he's saying, most of the time, but he babbles a lot and wants to converse. He loves asking questions. He's a cute little stinker. He's started doing some of the two-year-old bratty stuff we saw with Brendan, doing things he knows he's not supposed to do, being a super-picky eater, whining about everything that happens, stuff like that. I'm just glad he's getting more verbal. We really worried about his language skills, but he seems to be getting past that.
Anyway, I will try to post more often. So many goals, so little willpower...
Friday, August 15, 2014
Another summer is coming to an end...
Although I have another week left before I have to go back to school, I feel like today is my last "real" day of summer, because it's my last day alone at home. Of course everyone will be home over the weekend, and next week my husband is taking off from work to spend time with me, since our fifteenth anniversary is next Thursday. Then we'll go camping next weekend, and then it's back to a new school year. While I'm very glad my husband is taking some time off work, it is a conflicting feeling, because I also jealously guard my summers as "me time".
This summer has been one that has afforded me very little "me time", and I feel like I'm not very rested or prepared to start work again. Usually I have a full summer to do what I want, when I want. Our sitter has typically watched the boys four days a week, meaning I only have to deal with them at home by myself for one day each week. Last summer I went to the movies almost every week. I get to do chores around the house without interruption, I get to work out when I want, and I get to take naps if I feel like it. But this summer has not been that way at all.
I've been busy from the very beginning. The end of the school year coincided with my younger son's second birthday, and so I had company in town. Then I started a three-week, eight-hour-a-day writing course that had so much homework I ended up spending an extra two to three hours each day working on. Although the daily class ended after three weeks, we still had another week and a half of writing before the end of the course, so I still wasn't doing other activities. All this was punctuated with several trips to Wyoming to visit family and go camping. After the 4th of July, our sitter cut back from watching the boys every day to watching them three week days each week. The week after my course finally ended, a friend of ours was coming to visit. She's not really on a schedule with this particular trip, and so instead of arriving on Tuesday (when I initially expected her) or Wednesday or Thursday (when she had said she'd be coming in), she didn't arrive until Sunday. Sure, that was a whole week to myself, but it was a week spent cleaning, getting ready for the visit, and following her texts, phone calls, and Facebook posts. She required a bit of guidance to get to Billings, so my time was spent on that instead of on me. [Gosh, it sounds so selfish when I write it like that.] Much of the next week was a trip to Yellowstone with my husband and our friend. Then home, and four very long days with the kids bouncing off the walls after not seeing us for part of a week. Our friend stayed with us for another two weeks after our Yellowstone trip, so I had to play hostess all that time. We were very happy to have her come see us, but it meant that I had to think about activities to do and places to go, and make things to eat. I couldn't sit back and just be my own lazy self. After she left, I had to deal with the boys for the weekend of course, and then I finally got a week to my self. I went to the movies, I flopped on the couch and watched tv, and I got some long-needed chores done (well, one of them). This has been a nice week, just decompressing after everything that's been on the schedule this summer. But it's just been this one week. Next week, my husband has the week off, and we will finish the week by getting in one last camping trip with the in-laws, and then...*poof* summer's over.
I guess I really need to get rid of the perception that summertime is "me time". I suspect we are getting close to the time when the boys will not be going to the sitter at all during the summer. I may only get one more summer, maybe, that is "me time", and then I'll have the boys to deal with. At least by then they should be better behaved and capable to going to public places without being complete boogers. I hope.
This summer has been one that has afforded me very little "me time", and I feel like I'm not very rested or prepared to start work again. Usually I have a full summer to do what I want, when I want. Our sitter has typically watched the boys four days a week, meaning I only have to deal with them at home by myself for one day each week. Last summer I went to the movies almost every week. I get to do chores around the house without interruption, I get to work out when I want, and I get to take naps if I feel like it. But this summer has not been that way at all.
I've been busy from the very beginning. The end of the school year coincided with my younger son's second birthday, and so I had company in town. Then I started a three-week, eight-hour-a-day writing course that had so much homework I ended up spending an extra two to three hours each day working on. Although the daily class ended after three weeks, we still had another week and a half of writing before the end of the course, so I still wasn't doing other activities. All this was punctuated with several trips to Wyoming to visit family and go camping. After the 4th of July, our sitter cut back from watching the boys every day to watching them three week days each week. The week after my course finally ended, a friend of ours was coming to visit. She's not really on a schedule with this particular trip, and so instead of arriving on Tuesday (when I initially expected her) or Wednesday or Thursday (when she had said she'd be coming in), she didn't arrive until Sunday. Sure, that was a whole week to myself, but it was a week spent cleaning, getting ready for the visit, and following her texts, phone calls, and Facebook posts. She required a bit of guidance to get to Billings, so my time was spent on that instead of on me. [Gosh, it sounds so selfish when I write it like that.] Much of the next week was a trip to Yellowstone with my husband and our friend. Then home, and four very long days with the kids bouncing off the walls after not seeing us for part of a week. Our friend stayed with us for another two weeks after our Yellowstone trip, so I had to play hostess all that time. We were very happy to have her come see us, but it meant that I had to think about activities to do and places to go, and make things to eat. I couldn't sit back and just be my own lazy self. After she left, I had to deal with the boys for the weekend of course, and then I finally got a week to my self. I went to the movies, I flopped on the couch and watched tv, and I got some long-needed chores done (well, one of them). This has been a nice week, just decompressing after everything that's been on the schedule this summer. But it's just been this one week. Next week, my husband has the week off, and we will finish the week by getting in one last camping trip with the in-laws, and then...*poof* summer's over.
I guess I really need to get rid of the perception that summertime is "me time". I suspect we are getting close to the time when the boys will not be going to the sitter at all during the summer. I may only get one more summer, maybe, that is "me time", and then I'll have the boys to deal with. At least by then they should be better behaved and capable to going to public places without being complete boogers. I hope.
Friday, August 8, 2014
DAMN am I fat.
So, my company left today. While it was great to have her here, it's something of a relief to not have to plan any activities, cook actual meals, or generally attempt to be more interesting than I am. It will be nice to have a little time to myself without feeling like I need to entertain someone else. I have two full weeks left before I have to show up for the beginning of another school year, so I have a little decompression time. But I have so much stuff to get done around the house! Argh! All summer long I had expected to be working on these projects--rearranging the linen closet, sorting through the boys' clothes, cleaning up the utility closet, that sort of thing. All I've managed to get done so far is get the linen closet emptied and get half of the contents washed and put away. That's it. Pretty big disappointment.
All this sitting around and eating these dinners I've cooked hasn't been good for the ol' waistline, either. It sounds really stupid, but when I cook a meal, I feel obligated to eat it, and the leftovers too. So I've been eating way more than I should, and of course I haven't been exercising. I did go on a two-hour horseback ride yesterday, which is the most physical activity I've had all summer. I knew my weight hadn't improved any; it's been sitting steady at close to 240. But I didn't realize how bad I really look. My friend has been taking occasional pictures on this trip, and I've ended up in a few of them.
Looking at these pictures, I cannot deny how horrifyingly fat I am. I don't see much of myself most of the time. In mirrors, I see myself from mid-torso up. Sure, I know I'm fat, but all I see is that view, straight on. I don't see my legs, my thighs, my ass, and I don't have a real perspective on my stomach other than that it's there and it's big. But in these pictures my friend is taking? Holy shit, I am a fucking beast. It doesn't help that my friend, who has been in some of the pictures with me, is a petite size 4 in comparison to my size 20. But even without her in it...I am FAT. No denying it. Here's the thing...when I see obese people, I sometimes think to myself, "Well, yeah, I'm fat, but at least I don't look that bad." But you know what? I DO look that bad. I look horrible.
I have been desperately afraid that she's going to tag me in these photos. I look awful, and I don't want all these other people on Facebook to know that. I also need to lose weight. As we've established before, I'm not very good at that. I have two weeks left before school starts, and I need to figure out a way to lose maximum weight in that amount of time. I didn't eat very well earlier today--I had fast food for lunch. But for these last two weeks, I'm going to have to really cut back. I also need to go to the gym every day. I'd like to get up in the mornings and do a 3-mile walk as well, since I'm supposed to do one on August 24. I just hope I can do something about this. I look TERRIBLE, and I'm so embarrassed about it.
All this sitting around and eating these dinners I've cooked hasn't been good for the ol' waistline, either. It sounds really stupid, but when I cook a meal, I feel obligated to eat it, and the leftovers too. So I've been eating way more than I should, and of course I haven't been exercising. I did go on a two-hour horseback ride yesterday, which is the most physical activity I've had all summer. I knew my weight hadn't improved any; it's been sitting steady at close to 240. But I didn't realize how bad I really look. My friend has been taking occasional pictures on this trip, and I've ended up in a few of them.
Looking at these pictures, I cannot deny how horrifyingly fat I am. I don't see much of myself most of the time. In mirrors, I see myself from mid-torso up. Sure, I know I'm fat, but all I see is that view, straight on. I don't see my legs, my thighs, my ass, and I don't have a real perspective on my stomach other than that it's there and it's big. But in these pictures my friend is taking? Holy shit, I am a fucking beast. It doesn't help that my friend, who has been in some of the pictures with me, is a petite size 4 in comparison to my size 20. But even without her in it...I am FAT. No denying it. Here's the thing...when I see obese people, I sometimes think to myself, "Well, yeah, I'm fat, but at least I don't look that bad." But you know what? I DO look that bad. I look horrible.
I have been desperately afraid that she's going to tag me in these photos. I look awful, and I don't want all these other people on Facebook to know that. I also need to lose weight. As we've established before, I'm not very good at that. I have two weeks left before school starts, and I need to figure out a way to lose maximum weight in that amount of time. I didn't eat very well earlier today--I had fast food for lunch. But for these last two weeks, I'm going to have to really cut back. I also need to go to the gym every day. I'd like to get up in the mornings and do a 3-mile walk as well, since I'm supposed to do one on August 24. I just hope I can do something about this. I look TERRIBLE, and I'm so embarrassed about it.
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