OK, my husband found this "book" on the Internet. No book I have ever seen up to this point in my life has so accurately identified my life. Seriously. Sure, the language is inappropriate, but it's just so true.
Go the F*uck to Sleep
This is HILARIOUS.
Pool Time
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Took a postpartum depression quiz online...
According to a quiz I took on pediatrics.about.com:
"You may have one or more of the signs of postpartum depression. Be sure to get a further evaluation from your doctor.
Remember that some of these signs, including sudden mood swings and feeling impatient, irritable, restless, anxious, lonely, and sad, can be associate with baby blues, but they should only last for up to two weeks after the delivery of your baby and they shouldn't be as strong or intense as you may have with PPD.
You said that you have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:
Feeling restless or irritable.
Feeling sad, depressed or crying a lot.
Having no energy.
Not being able to sleep or being very tired, or both.
Overeating and weight gain.
Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions.
Feeling worthless and guilty.
Being afraid of hurting the baby or yourself.
No interest or pleasure in activities, including sex.
You said that you do not have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:
Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart being fast and feeling like it is skipping beats), numbness, or hyperventilation (fast and shallow breathing).
Not being able to eat and weight loss.
Being overly worried about the baby.
Not having any interest in the baby.
No one knows for sure what causes postpartum depression (PPD). Hormonal changes in a woman's body may trigger its symptoms. During pregnancy, the amount of two female hormones, estrogen and progesterone, in a woman's body increase greatly. In the first 24 hours after childbirth, the amount of these hormones rapidly drops and keeps dropping to the amount they were before the woman became pregnant. Researchers think these changes in hormones may lead to depression, just as smaller changes in hormones can affect a woman's moods before she gets her menstrual period.
It is important to know that postpartum depression (PPD) is treatable and that it will go away. The type of treatment will depend on how severe the PPD is. PPD can be treated with medication (antidepressants) and psychotherapy. Women with PPD are often advised to attend a support group to talk with other women who are going through the same thing. If a woman is breastfeeding, she needs to talk with her health care provider about taking antidepressants. Some of these drugs affect breast milk and should not be used."
It has occurred to me that I haven't had a cry-free day since I had my son over six months ago. I need to be really careful that I'm not drifting into dangerous waters, so to speak. I feel a little better about myself since I started back to work, but I still am frustrated and tired when it comes to the boy. I just wish he'd sleep, and sleep without a lot of drama trying to GET him to sleep.
Anyway, just interesting to consider the possibilities.
"You may have one or more of the signs of postpartum depression. Be sure to get a further evaluation from your doctor.
Remember that some of these signs, including sudden mood swings and feeling impatient, irritable, restless, anxious, lonely, and sad, can be associate with baby blues, but they should only last for up to two weeks after the delivery of your baby and they shouldn't be as strong or intense as you may have with PPD.
You said that you have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:
Feeling restless or irritable.
Feeling sad, depressed or crying a lot.
Having no energy.
Not being able to sleep or being very tired, or both.
Overeating and weight gain.
Trouble focusing, remembering, or making decisions.
Feeling worthless and guilty.
Being afraid of hurting the baby or yourself.
No interest or pleasure in activities, including sex.
You said that you do not have the following possible signs or symptoms of PPD:
Having headaches, chest pains, heart palpitations (the heart being fast and feeling like it is skipping beats), numbness, or hyperventilation (fast and shallow breathing).
Not being able to eat and weight loss.
Being overly worried about the baby.
Not having any interest in the baby.
No one knows for sure what causes postpartum depression (PPD). Hormonal changes in a woman's body may trigger its symptoms. During pregnancy, the amount of two female hormones, estrogen and progesterone, in a woman's body increase greatly. In the first 24 hours after childbirth, the amount of these hormones rapidly drops and keeps dropping to the amount they were before the woman became pregnant. Researchers think these changes in hormones may lead to depression, just as smaller changes in hormones can affect a woman's moods before she gets her menstrual period.
It is important to know that postpartum depression (PPD) is treatable and that it will go away. The type of treatment will depend on how severe the PPD is. PPD can be treated with medication (antidepressants) and psychotherapy. Women with PPD are often advised to attend a support group to talk with other women who are going through the same thing. If a woman is breastfeeding, she needs to talk with her health care provider about taking antidepressants. Some of these drugs affect breast milk and should not be used."
It has occurred to me that I haven't had a cry-free day since I had my son over six months ago. I need to be really careful that I'm not drifting into dangerous waters, so to speak. I feel a little better about myself since I started back to work, but I still am frustrated and tired when it comes to the boy. I just wish he'd sleep, and sleep without a lot of drama trying to GET him to sleep.
Anyway, just interesting to consider the possibilities.
Friday, May 6, 2011
My Mother's Day wish
Well, we're approaching my first Mother's Day as a mom. I remember thinking last year, when I was pregnant, that I couldn't wait until I had my baby and could be a mom. And now that my baby is six months old, and I'm about to celebrate being a mom, I have been thinking about the holiday. Several people have asked me "what do you want for Mother's Day?" Of course, the first thing I wanted I already have, a wonderful family. But as for other things, I have considered baby gear, like a bike trailer and jogging stroller. I mean, summer is coming, I need the exercise, and I'm a lot more likely to get it if I can take the baby with me. I'm thinking about the summer and wondering if I should make arrangements with Brendan's sitter so that I can drop him off a couple days each week and then get things done like housekeeping, shopping, etc. without having to worry about him. It's $25 a day for the sitter, and I don't know what her summer schedule will be, since I'm sure the other kids she watches are not on the mommy-is-a-teacher schedule that Brendan is. But it would be nice to make sure that he's still going to daycare for a number of reasons: 1) he'll be less likely to develop separation anxiety if he continues going a few days each week; 2) he'll keep developing his social skills by playing with the other kids (they're all older than he is, but they totally love playing with him); 3) I'll be able to get things done at home (including napping) without having to worry about him every minute. I'm not sure if it's financially feasible, but I really do want to think about it.
But back to what I want for Mother's Day. Other than things like liposuction and personal training, I guess the one thing I want is a day off. Not that I don't want to be a mom; I just want to be absolved of my duties for a day. Or even just for a night. Someone could just get me a hotel room, and I'd go there and sleep for twelve hours without a dog pawing at me, or anyone snoring but me, or anyone waking me up to eat or be rocked. That sounds really selfish, now that I look at it. But I think one good night's sleep might go a long way to recharging my batteries.
Anyway, I don't know that I am getting anything in particular for Mother's Day. So maybe I just need to ask for patience. If I can just hang on until the boy gets a little older and sleeps a little better...
But back to what I want for Mother's Day. Other than things like liposuction and personal training, I guess the one thing I want is a day off. Not that I don't want to be a mom; I just want to be absolved of my duties for a day. Or even just for a night. Someone could just get me a hotel room, and I'd go there and sleep for twelve hours without a dog pawing at me, or anyone snoring but me, or anyone waking me up to eat or be rocked. That sounds really selfish, now that I look at it. But I think one good night's sleep might go a long way to recharging my batteries.
Anyway, I don't know that I am getting anything in particular for Mother's Day. So maybe I just need to ask for patience. If I can just hang on until the boy gets a little older and sleeps a little better...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
More milestones
We're still not sleeping. Last night was a bad one; I don't know if it was gas or constipation or teething or reflux or a nasty head cold, but I do know he wouldn't go down in his crib. He wouldn't go to bed in the first place, at that. I've been trying to start getting him to bed earlier and earlier, hoping that if he goes to bed earlier he'll sleep better. But regardless of how early I start our process, it seems like he won't go to sleep until 10. If he does happen to go to sleep before then, he wakes up within an hour. So he didn't go to sleep until 10. Then he was up from 1:15-2:15, then from 3:00-4:15, and then from 5:30-6. I just don't know what else to do. I need to read some of these sleep training books so I can find out what it is that I am doing wrong.
But we've got some milestones that we've hit or are hitting. Brendan is up to five different fruits and veggies that he eats: bananas, applesauce, peaches, sweet potatoes, and green beans. I'll just say he is not jazzed about the green beans, but he likes everything else. I ordered a set of little storage containers to keep homemade baby food in, and a couple of baby food "cookbooks", and I plan on trying to save some money by making at least some of his food myself and freezing it. We'll see how it goes; it may be more cost-efficient in the long run to just keep buying the Gerber food. Also, Brendan is now rolling with abandon both tummy-to-back and back-to-tummy. I think it's only a matter of days until he realized that rolling is a method of moving from place to place. We'll have to start baby-proofing the house. He's also able to sit up unassisted for longer periods of time (not minutes, but a minute maybe) before he tips over. He can turn himself around when he's on his stomach or his back, and he can push himself backwards with his hands when he's on his tummy and forwards with his feet when he's on his back. As soon as he puts all this together he'll be crawling. I can't believe he's going to be six months old on Saturday. I thought for sure he'd be sleeping through the night by then. *sigh*
One bummer milestone is his first cold. A couple of the other kids at the sitter have a cold, and despite trying to keep them away from Brendan, he came down with one. And since he slobbers all over me on a daily basis, I got it too. His nose has been runny and he's been hoarse, which suggests to me that he's probably got a bit of a sore throat too. And he's got a little cough, probably from the throat as much as anything. I'm the same way--headache, stuffy and runny nose, sore throat, general run-down feeling. I've been giving him a little baby Tylenol here and there, but I'm afraid to give him much because I don't want it to affect his liver. He goes in for his 6-month checkup in a couple weeks, and if he's still suffering from the cold I'll ask about remedies. For now, just keeping him hydrated.
I've lost a little weight since I've been working; I was 227 when I started and I was 223 on Monday. I also started working out this week, just fifteen minutes a day on the elliptical machine, but hopefully it'll start to show and I'll be able to go longer and longer at a time. Anyway, I'm trying, and that's gotta count for something, right?
Missing my mom today. It's the fourth anniversary of her passing. I wish like anything that I'd been able to see her hold her grandson...
But we've got some milestones that we've hit or are hitting. Brendan is up to five different fruits and veggies that he eats: bananas, applesauce, peaches, sweet potatoes, and green beans. I'll just say he is not jazzed about the green beans, but he likes everything else. I ordered a set of little storage containers to keep homemade baby food in, and a couple of baby food "cookbooks", and I plan on trying to save some money by making at least some of his food myself and freezing it. We'll see how it goes; it may be more cost-efficient in the long run to just keep buying the Gerber food. Also, Brendan is now rolling with abandon both tummy-to-back and back-to-tummy. I think it's only a matter of days until he realized that rolling is a method of moving from place to place. We'll have to start baby-proofing the house. He's also able to sit up unassisted for longer periods of time (not minutes, but a minute maybe) before he tips over. He can turn himself around when he's on his stomach or his back, and he can push himself backwards with his hands when he's on his tummy and forwards with his feet when he's on his back. As soon as he puts all this together he'll be crawling. I can't believe he's going to be six months old on Saturday. I thought for sure he'd be sleeping through the night by then. *sigh*
One bummer milestone is his first cold. A couple of the other kids at the sitter have a cold, and despite trying to keep them away from Brendan, he came down with one. And since he slobbers all over me on a daily basis, I got it too. His nose has been runny and he's been hoarse, which suggests to me that he's probably got a bit of a sore throat too. And he's got a little cough, probably from the throat as much as anything. I'm the same way--headache, stuffy and runny nose, sore throat, general run-down feeling. I've been giving him a little baby Tylenol here and there, but I'm afraid to give him much because I don't want it to affect his liver. He goes in for his 6-month checkup in a couple weeks, and if he's still suffering from the cold I'll ask about remedies. For now, just keeping him hydrated.
I've lost a little weight since I've been working; I was 227 when I started and I was 223 on Monday. I also started working out this week, just fifteen minutes a day on the elliptical machine, but hopefully it'll start to show and I'll be able to go longer and longer at a time. Anyway, I'm trying, and that's gotta count for something, right?
Missing my mom today. It's the fourth anniversary of her passing. I wish like anything that I'd been able to see her hold her grandson...
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The first (tooth) cut is the deepest
Well, teething has hit our household hard and fast. The boy has been drooling for some time now, but within the past couple of weeks, he's started gnawing on everything he can fit into his mouth (including me), rubbing at his face and ear, rubbing his face all over my shoulder when I burp him, and crying a lot more. He's also waking more in the night (great, just what I needed, less sleep) and waking a lot more angry than he had previously. He's also harder to put down, literally and figuratively. At night it's hard to get him to lay in his crib; he'll doze off while nursing, and he'll remain asleep in my arms, but as soon as I try to put him in his crib, he is wide awake and fussing again. I'm not sure if that is related to the teething, or if it's gas, or reflux, or what, but it's frustrating. I have to try two, three, four times to get him asleep enough to put him down without him stirring. And then, during the day, he doesn't want to be left alone. He's still not good at entertaining himself (although he's getting a little better), but it used to be that we could lay him down on his activity mat or put him in his exersaucer or swing and he'd be fine for five or ten minutes while we changed out the laundry or did the dishes. But now, as soon as I set him down and turn away, he starts to cry. Again, I don't know if this is due to the various discomforts he may be suffering, or if he's starting to have separation anxiety. But it's annoying as heck. I hate it when he cries; his hungry cry is tolerable, and his pained teething/gas/reflux cry is heartbreaking, but his whining "pay attention to me" cry is just irritating. I don't know what I can do. I just hope we get through this quickly. People keep giving me suggestions to help with the teething pain during the day, but I just don't know what to do for him at night. I can give him Tylenol, but I don't want to keep doing that over and over, since it can cause liver damage. People have suggested rubbing whiskey on his gums, but I can't imagine that's really good for him either (I'd rather drink it myself, anyway). Every time I've felt his gums for teeth, I haven't noticed anything, but I don't really know what I'm feeling for either. I just really hope the tooth or teeth show up quickly so we can get this over with, at least until the next teeth come through.
Things have changed a bit since my last post. I got hired for a long-term substitute teaching position with the high school nearby (less than a mile away). I did one day before we went on our vacation (which had already been planned) and then I started in earnest this past week. It's been pretty hard to get the hang of things. It's hard enough to pick up someone else's students and classroom and assignments and all that. But it's been even harder figuring out the necessary morning routine to get myself and the boy together and out the door. Our neighbor does daycare in her home, and she has started watching Brendan. She's loving it, and he's seeming to enjoy it as well, and it's nice that she's only three houses away. When the weather's been cold this week, I've put him in the truck and driven him over there on my way to school, but when the weather warms up I'll just put him in his stroller and walk him over, and then ride my bike to work (I will not ride my nice new mountain bike, but my old one instead, in case someone steals it or strips it). I need to try to get to the gym (I haven't been in several weeks), and that's going to complicate things as well, because I'll have even more stuff to take with me when I leave the house in the morning. And I've had to pump while at school, and that's taking some effort. There really isn't anywhere good I can go to pump, so I'm locking myself in my classroom. Makes me nervous, because I think other teachers can unlock my door. It's taking half of my 30 minute lunch period to set up, pump, and clean up. And then only and hour or so later is my planning period, when I have to pump again. Brendan's taking 2 or 3 bottles at the sitter's, which means I need 12 oz pumped. So far, I haven't gotten more than 8, and usually more like 5-6. I'm taking fenugreek again, but it doesn't seem to be working as well as it did the first time I took it. I guess I need to start pumping in the evenings as well, just to get as much as I can. But it's such a pain. And pumping during my planning period is taking up valuable time for grading and organizing. It will be interesting to see if I can keep this up. I'm just afraid my supply is going to suffer. I guess if it does there just isn't anything I can do. I'll breastfeed for as long as I can, and if I can't keep it up, I'll just have to switch to formula. We're almost to six months (two weeks from yesterday), and that's kind of the "minimum" length recommended to breastfeed (they really recommend going a whole year, but I just don't know if that will work out--if I can just get through until the beginning of June, then maybe we can at least keep breastfeeding through the summer). We'll just have to see. I do have to admit, it is nice to get out of the house and back into the classroom, but I miss the boy during the day, for sure. And no news about a job for the fall yet. The school district rolled the contracts over for another year, so the four English teachers at the nearby high school who were supposed to retire at the end of this school year will not be retiring until the end of the next school year instead. When I got hired, they did mention that there would be another teacher going on maternity leave for the first six weeks of the fall semester. Also, the department head told me the other day that one of the English teachers would be going on some kind of year-long sabbatical to China, which means if I don't find a position of my own I might be able to take his class. I'd rather have a position of my own, because then I could have a job to come back to if we decide to have another baby. [We have talked about this before--if we are going to have a second child, we figured having them about 1 1/2 to 2 years apart would be ideal. The best timeline for me would be to have a baby at the very end of the school year next year then, in June. June 1 is the last day of school next year. I would then have the whole summer to be with the kids, and possibly take a maternity leave at the beginning of the next year to give me a little longer to be at home with the baby. But if I don't have a full-time position for next year, I won't have a job to come back to, and I'll have the same problem getting hired that I did this last year--who wants to fire a teacher who is going to be gone for part of the year?] Anyway, there's no point in getting ahead of ourselves. Right now this kid is more than what I can handle.
I have to admit, I'm getting a little resentful of my husband, and it really isn't fair of me. I find myself trapped in an inequality of my own making. Brendan really won't settle down for anyone but me. It makes sense; since only a month or so into this little adventure, I've been the only one waking up with Brendan in the middle of the night, and pretty much been the only one involved in his feeding. My husband does give him a bottle occasionally, and he has fed him solid food a few times, but it's really been on my shoulders to do the feedings. Makes sense, since I'm the one with the boobies. When Brendan was first born, we both had to be involved, because I didn't have enough supply. I would breastfeed, then hand the boy off to my husband while I pumped. He would give the baby whatever I had pumped from the previous feeding, and then top him off with formula. But he didn't always wake up when the baby did, and I started just letting my husband sleep and handling the feedings myself, figuring my husband needed the sleep as he was the one who had to get up and go to work. Thankfully, I stopped having to pump and give formula, so at least I wasn't up as long for each feeding. But now that I'm working too, and the boy is sleeping so poorly, I'm resentful of my sleeping husband. He still doesn't usually wake up when the baby does, and he still can't be involved in the feedings unless I pump, but some of Brendan's wakings are not food related, and he doesn't really need to eat. So my husband conceivably get up and try to get the baby back to sleep. But that's where we get to the heart of the inequality: he really won't be soothed by anyone but me. I usually nurse him anyway, since the boob seems to calm him best (my husband calls it the "breast of rest"). He'll doze off while eating, and then I'll rock him a bit and (try to) put him back down. He doesn't fall asleep nearly as well for my husband, who can only rock him and hope for the best. But this is probably because I've been the one who HAS soothed him. It's a vicious circle: he'll only be soothed by me because I've been the one who has soothed him, and because I continue to be the one soothing him he will only be soothed by me. He's gonna have to get used to calming down by himself at some point. But when we finally get around to sleep training, and we have to let him cry, I'm going to be the one who goes freakin' nuts, because his crying already drives me to distraction, and it's going to be for me that he's crying. I'll have to send my husband in to try and comfort him, and that's just going to be stressful for all of us. I keep hoping that he'll just one day sleep through the night, but apparently that isn't in the cards, at least not yet. I really hope it'll happen, and sooner rather than later. Because I'm pretty dang tired in the mornings.
We did have a good vacation the week before last. We went to Paducah to introduce the boy to his great grandparents and some great aunts and a great uncle, and then to Memphis to show him off to all our friends, and then to St. Louis to spend a little time with my sister-in-law and her family. Brendan got some milestones in: he had his first airplane rides (and was great on the plane all four times); he visited seven new states, bringing his lifetime total to nine (Montana, Wyoming, Minnesota, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, and Arkansas); he rolled over from his back to his front (and hasn't done it since); he moved up to the next size of diapers; and he started eating fruits and veggies (banana that week, and then applesauce this past week and sweet potatoes starting yesterday). The boy sure is getting big. He doesn't have his 6-month checkup until the first week in May, so I won't know his vital statistics until then, but he's at least 18 lbs for sure. It will be interesting to see how long he is.
And, as a last note to a very long post, I'm still fat. I weighed in on Monday morning at 227.6, my heaviest non-pregnancy weight. Not good. Now, I was retaining some fluid, because my period started later that day, but still. Inexcusable. I'm hoping that not being able to snack all day long (since I'm at work) and moving around a bit more instead of sitting on the couch all day has helped (we'll see when I weigh myself tomorrow morning). Also, this week I'm going to try to make it to the gym in the afternoons (at least a few times), and then the next week I want to start riding my bike to work and back. I would like to lose some weight by the time we go on vacation in the middle of June, about 10 weeks from now. If it's only a pound each week, so be it. But I'd like 2 lbs a week, for a 20 lb loss, or even better a 30 lb loss (although I'm sure that's pretty much out of the question). But I have to do something. I have fat cow disease (of course they'd be mad, if they're fat).
Sorry for the exceptionally long post. Hopefully the next one will be sooner and shorter.
Things have changed a bit since my last post. I got hired for a long-term substitute teaching position with the high school nearby (less than a mile away). I did one day before we went on our vacation (which had already been planned) and then I started in earnest this past week. It's been pretty hard to get the hang of things. It's hard enough to pick up someone else's students and classroom and assignments and all that. But it's been even harder figuring out the necessary morning routine to get myself and the boy together and out the door. Our neighbor does daycare in her home, and she has started watching Brendan. She's loving it, and he's seeming to enjoy it as well, and it's nice that she's only three houses away. When the weather's been cold this week, I've put him in the truck and driven him over there on my way to school, but when the weather warms up I'll just put him in his stroller and walk him over, and then ride my bike to work (I will not ride my nice new mountain bike, but my old one instead, in case someone steals it or strips it). I need to try to get to the gym (I haven't been in several weeks), and that's going to complicate things as well, because I'll have even more stuff to take with me when I leave the house in the morning. And I've had to pump while at school, and that's taking some effort. There really isn't anywhere good I can go to pump, so I'm locking myself in my classroom. Makes me nervous, because I think other teachers can unlock my door. It's taking half of my 30 minute lunch period to set up, pump, and clean up. And then only and hour or so later is my planning period, when I have to pump again. Brendan's taking 2 or 3 bottles at the sitter's, which means I need 12 oz pumped. So far, I haven't gotten more than 8, and usually more like 5-6. I'm taking fenugreek again, but it doesn't seem to be working as well as it did the first time I took it. I guess I need to start pumping in the evenings as well, just to get as much as I can. But it's such a pain. And pumping during my planning period is taking up valuable time for grading and organizing. It will be interesting to see if I can keep this up. I'm just afraid my supply is going to suffer. I guess if it does there just isn't anything I can do. I'll breastfeed for as long as I can, and if I can't keep it up, I'll just have to switch to formula. We're almost to six months (two weeks from yesterday), and that's kind of the "minimum" length recommended to breastfeed (they really recommend going a whole year, but I just don't know if that will work out--if I can just get through until the beginning of June, then maybe we can at least keep breastfeeding through the summer). We'll just have to see. I do have to admit, it is nice to get out of the house and back into the classroom, but I miss the boy during the day, for sure. And no news about a job for the fall yet. The school district rolled the contracts over for another year, so the four English teachers at the nearby high school who were supposed to retire at the end of this school year will not be retiring until the end of the next school year instead. When I got hired, they did mention that there would be another teacher going on maternity leave for the first six weeks of the fall semester. Also, the department head told me the other day that one of the English teachers would be going on some kind of year-long sabbatical to China, which means if I don't find a position of my own I might be able to take his class. I'd rather have a position of my own, because then I could have a job to come back to if we decide to have another baby. [We have talked about this before--if we are going to have a second child, we figured having them about 1 1/2 to 2 years apart would be ideal. The best timeline for me would be to have a baby at the very end of the school year next year then, in June. June 1 is the last day of school next year. I would then have the whole summer to be with the kids, and possibly take a maternity leave at the beginning of the next year to give me a little longer to be at home with the baby. But if I don't have a full-time position for next year, I won't have a job to come back to, and I'll have the same problem getting hired that I did this last year--who wants to fire a teacher who is going to be gone for part of the year?] Anyway, there's no point in getting ahead of ourselves. Right now this kid is more than what I can handle.
I have to admit, I'm getting a little resentful of my husband, and it really isn't fair of me. I find myself trapped in an inequality of my own making. Brendan really won't settle down for anyone but me. It makes sense; since only a month or so into this little adventure, I've been the only one waking up with Brendan in the middle of the night, and pretty much been the only one involved in his feeding. My husband does give him a bottle occasionally, and he has fed him solid food a few times, but it's really been on my shoulders to do the feedings. Makes sense, since I'm the one with the boobies. When Brendan was first born, we both had to be involved, because I didn't have enough supply. I would breastfeed, then hand the boy off to my husband while I pumped. He would give the baby whatever I had pumped from the previous feeding, and then top him off with formula. But he didn't always wake up when the baby did, and I started just letting my husband sleep and handling the feedings myself, figuring my husband needed the sleep as he was the one who had to get up and go to work. Thankfully, I stopped having to pump and give formula, so at least I wasn't up as long for each feeding. But now that I'm working too, and the boy is sleeping so poorly, I'm resentful of my sleeping husband. He still doesn't usually wake up when the baby does, and he still can't be involved in the feedings unless I pump, but some of Brendan's wakings are not food related, and he doesn't really need to eat. So my husband conceivably get up and try to get the baby back to sleep. But that's where we get to the heart of the inequality: he really won't be soothed by anyone but me. I usually nurse him anyway, since the boob seems to calm him best (my husband calls it the "breast of rest"). He'll doze off while eating, and then I'll rock him a bit and (try to) put him back down. He doesn't fall asleep nearly as well for my husband, who can only rock him and hope for the best. But this is probably because I've been the one who HAS soothed him. It's a vicious circle: he'll only be soothed by me because I've been the one who has soothed him, and because I continue to be the one soothing him he will only be soothed by me. He's gonna have to get used to calming down by himself at some point. But when we finally get around to sleep training, and we have to let him cry, I'm going to be the one who goes freakin' nuts, because his crying already drives me to distraction, and it's going to be for me that he's crying. I'll have to send my husband in to try and comfort him, and that's just going to be stressful for all of us. I keep hoping that he'll just one day sleep through the night, but apparently that isn't in the cards, at least not yet. I really hope it'll happen, and sooner rather than later. Because I'm pretty dang tired in the mornings.
We did have a good vacation the week before last. We went to Paducah to introduce the boy to his great grandparents and some great aunts and a great uncle, and then to Memphis to show him off to all our friends, and then to St. Louis to spend a little time with my sister-in-law and her family. Brendan got some milestones in: he had his first airplane rides (and was great on the plane all four times); he visited seven new states, bringing his lifetime total to nine (Montana, Wyoming, Minnesota, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Mississippi, and Arkansas); he rolled over from his back to his front (and hasn't done it since); he moved up to the next size of diapers; and he started eating fruits and veggies (banana that week, and then applesauce this past week and sweet potatoes starting yesterday). The boy sure is getting big. He doesn't have his 6-month checkup until the first week in May, so I won't know his vital statistics until then, but he's at least 18 lbs for sure. It will be interesting to see how long he is.
And, as a last note to a very long post, I'm still fat. I weighed in on Monday morning at 227.6, my heaviest non-pregnancy weight. Not good. Now, I was retaining some fluid, because my period started later that day, but still. Inexcusable. I'm hoping that not being able to snack all day long (since I'm at work) and moving around a bit more instead of sitting on the couch all day has helped (we'll see when I weigh myself tomorrow morning). Also, this week I'm going to try to make it to the gym in the afternoons (at least a few times), and then the next week I want to start riding my bike to work and back. I would like to lose some weight by the time we go on vacation in the middle of June, about 10 weeks from now. If it's only a pound each week, so be it. But I'd like 2 lbs a week, for a 20 lb loss, or even better a 30 lb loss (although I'm sure that's pretty much out of the question). But I have to do something. I have fat cow disease (of course they'd be mad, if they're fat).
Sorry for the exceptionally long post. Hopefully the next one will be sooner and shorter.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Gas is so high these days.
The price of gas is apparently my sleep. And my sanity.
If Brendan were waking up at night because he was hungry, I wouldn't be nearly as upset and stressed as I am. But he's gone from waking every four-five hours at night to waking every one-two hours, and it's not hunger, it's definitely pain. He jolts awake and cries very angrily. If I try to "pump" his legs to get him to toot, he shrieks. I rub his tummy, pump his legs, and sometimes he'll toot, sometimes he won't. This all started between three and four months of age, and I thought it started around the same time as I started taking More Milk Plus capsules to boost my production (I've always struggled to keep up with him). So I stopped taking them, but it didn't stop the gas. I tried giving him gripe water, but that didn't help (actually it seemed to make it worse, but I can't say for sure). I've tried giving him Mylicon drops after each feeding, but it doesn't help either. Brendan's been getting some cereal since he turned four months, but we've varied the type of cereal (rice and oatmeal), the amount, what it's mixed with, and when he gets it during the day (and even if he gets it at all--there've been a couple days this past week when he hasn't had any cereal at all), and that hasn't affected the gas either. Yesterday he had formula during the day (we were traveling), and before I breastfed him in the evening I pumped some and dumped off the thinner foremilk, and he was just as bad last night as any other night. I tried laying off dairy products all weekend, thinking maybe something was passing through my milk to him, but it didn't seem to matter either. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't show any other symptoms to milk allergy, lactose intolerance, or an foremilk imbalance--no diarrhea, no green frothy poo, no vomiting, no eczema, not spitting up any more than usual...I just don't understand what has changed. He's sleeping worse now than he did when we came home from the hospital (and that's when he was practically starving to death because I wasn't producing any milk at all).
As terrible as it is for me to hear his crying, I'm incredibly selfish, because I'd do just about anything to get some $%#&@$& sleep. I've never been able to nap during the day, not even when I was little. If I do manage to sleep during the day, I wake up disoriented, achy, and basically feeling worse than I did before I took the nap. I'm not expecting a full night's sleep (although I wouldn't turn it down), but I'd love to get back to when Brendan when sleeping from 10-3, nursing for an hour, and then sleeping until 10 am. I'm also concerned because I am hoping to get a long-term sub job that starts mid-April, and if I get it I'm really going to need more sleep than I'm getting...
I just have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not doing it right. Between friends, former coworkers, and former students, I know about 15 people who had babies right around the same time I did, and it seems like everyone else "gets it" but me. When people tell me that their babies slept through the night at 3 weeks old (formula or breast), it just seems like proof that I'm doing something wrong. Everyone keeps saying "all babies are different", but it sure feels like we're the odd ones out. I mean, all babies may be different, but there has to be some reason some babies sleep through the night early and some don't. People have been having babies for thousands and thousands of years without drama, so why are we at five months with no schedule yet? Some days he naps for three hours at a time, some days I'm lucky to get him to nap for fifteen minutes. Some nights he'll drop off to sleep between 9-10, as soon as I nurse him, other nights he's still wide awake and full of it at 11. And regardless of when he goes down, some nights he's awake again in 45 minutes, and some nights he stays asleep for a couple hours. Some mornings he'll go back to sleep until 9 or 10, and some mornings he's up at 6:45 with no nap in sight. It sure makes me feel like there's some trick everyone else knows but me.
With the breast feeding vs. formula, I've started to feel like there's a mom on each shoulder, instead of an angel and a devil, whispering in my ears. On the breast feeding side, I know it's the natural option--"breast is best" and all that--and the least expensive, should boost his immune system, prevent some allergies, strengthen the bond between the two of us, help me lose weight (which totally ISN'T happening), etc., etc. Plus, I fought so hard to breast feed in the first place (since my milk came in so late, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to breast feed at all). But the formula side is accumulating some heavy artillery. It's more convenient--I wouldn't have to worry about pumping and storage (if I get this sub job, I'll only have two times during the day that I can pump--I can't guarantee they won't be back-to-back because I don't know what the schedule of the classes is--I've got to figure out where I can store the milk until the end of the day, and i don't know if I'll be able to pump the amount that Brendan will consume during the day). I wouldn't have to waste any milk, since I could mix the formula as needed and not have extra. I could give him a formula that would help with the gas and whatever might be causing it. And it might get me a full night's sleep sooner rather than later. It's just really hard.
I'm sorry to just kind of go off, but I really feel like I'm just a meltdown away from thrusting him into the arms of the first person I see and running off screaming into the woods somewhere.
If Brendan were waking up at night because he was hungry, I wouldn't be nearly as upset and stressed as I am. But he's gone from waking every four-five hours at night to waking every one-two hours, and it's not hunger, it's definitely pain. He jolts awake and cries very angrily. If I try to "pump" his legs to get him to toot, he shrieks. I rub his tummy, pump his legs, and sometimes he'll toot, sometimes he won't. This all started between three and four months of age, and I thought it started around the same time as I started taking More Milk Plus capsules to boost my production (I've always struggled to keep up with him). So I stopped taking them, but it didn't stop the gas. I tried giving him gripe water, but that didn't help (actually it seemed to make it worse, but I can't say for sure). I've tried giving him Mylicon drops after each feeding, but it doesn't help either. Brendan's been getting some cereal since he turned four months, but we've varied the type of cereal (rice and oatmeal), the amount, what it's mixed with, and when he gets it during the day (and even if he gets it at all--there've been a couple days this past week when he hasn't had any cereal at all), and that hasn't affected the gas either. Yesterday he had formula during the day (we were traveling), and before I breastfed him in the evening I pumped some and dumped off the thinner foremilk, and he was just as bad last night as any other night. I tried laying off dairy products all weekend, thinking maybe something was passing through my milk to him, but it didn't seem to matter either. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't show any other symptoms to milk allergy, lactose intolerance, or an foremilk imbalance--no diarrhea, no green frothy poo, no vomiting, no eczema, not spitting up any more than usual...I just don't understand what has changed. He's sleeping worse now than he did when we came home from the hospital (and that's when he was practically starving to death because I wasn't producing any milk at all).
As terrible as it is for me to hear his crying, I'm incredibly selfish, because I'd do just about anything to get some $%#&@$& sleep. I've never been able to nap during the day, not even when I was little. If I do manage to sleep during the day, I wake up disoriented, achy, and basically feeling worse than I did before I took the nap. I'm not expecting a full night's sleep (although I wouldn't turn it down), but I'd love to get back to when Brendan when sleeping from 10-3, nursing for an hour, and then sleeping until 10 am. I'm also concerned because I am hoping to get a long-term sub job that starts mid-April, and if I get it I'm really going to need more sleep than I'm getting...
I just have this overwhelming feeling that I'm not doing it right. Between friends, former coworkers, and former students, I know about 15 people who had babies right around the same time I did, and it seems like everyone else "gets it" but me. When people tell me that their babies slept through the night at 3 weeks old (formula or breast), it just seems like proof that I'm doing something wrong. Everyone keeps saying "all babies are different", but it sure feels like we're the odd ones out. I mean, all babies may be different, but there has to be some reason some babies sleep through the night early and some don't. People have been having babies for thousands and thousands of years without drama, so why are we at five months with no schedule yet? Some days he naps for three hours at a time, some days I'm lucky to get him to nap for fifteen minutes. Some nights he'll drop off to sleep between 9-10, as soon as I nurse him, other nights he's still wide awake and full of it at 11. And regardless of when he goes down, some nights he's awake again in 45 minutes, and some nights he stays asleep for a couple hours. Some mornings he'll go back to sleep until 9 or 10, and some mornings he's up at 6:45 with no nap in sight. It sure makes me feel like there's some trick everyone else knows but me.
With the breast feeding vs. formula, I've started to feel like there's a mom on each shoulder, instead of an angel and a devil, whispering in my ears. On the breast feeding side, I know it's the natural option--"breast is best" and all that--and the least expensive, should boost his immune system, prevent some allergies, strengthen the bond between the two of us, help me lose weight (which totally ISN'T happening), etc., etc. Plus, I fought so hard to breast feed in the first place (since my milk came in so late, I was afraid I wouldn't be able to breast feed at all). But the formula side is accumulating some heavy artillery. It's more convenient--I wouldn't have to worry about pumping and storage (if I get this sub job, I'll only have two times during the day that I can pump--I can't guarantee they won't be back-to-back because I don't know what the schedule of the classes is--I've got to figure out where I can store the milk until the end of the day, and i don't know if I'll be able to pump the amount that Brendan will consume during the day). I wouldn't have to waste any milk, since I could mix the formula as needed and not have extra. I could give him a formula that would help with the gas and whatever might be causing it. And it might get me a full night's sleep sooner rather than later. It's just really hard.
I'm sorry to just kind of go off, but I really feel like I'm just a meltdown away from thrusting him into the arms of the first person I see and running off screaming into the woods somewhere.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Everybody's sleeping but me
A friend of mine who had a baby in January just posted that her baby slept from 9:30 last night until 7:30 this morning. When I expressed my envy, she was shocked to hear that Brendan's not sleeping straight through the night. Another of my friends informed me that her baby (a month younger than Brendan) was sleeping through the night from about 3 weeks old.
What the hell am I doing wrong? I'm doing demand feeding, basically because most everyone says that the Babywise method (or any other method involving scheduled feedings) leads to babies who are undernourished, dehydrated, and failing to thrive. And yet people keep asking me if I'm letting him "cry it out" at night. It seems like the two things are incompatible; how can I feed him when he wants it during the day and yet deny him a feeding at night? I've been hoping that one night he'll just, I don't know, not wake up until morning. Without my having to ignore his crying. Because I can't stand the crying, let me just say. It raises my blood pressure and makes me feel frantic, like I should be doing everything possible to get him to stop crying. If I let him cry, I generally end up crying myself. I've tried not responding to him right away at night, but he seems to get more and more agitated and awake, rather than giving up and going back to sleep. He doesn't seem to be into self-soothing. Now, there are times when I put him down while he's still somewhat awake, and he'll sort of croon to himself for a while and then fall asleep, but that doesn't seem to apply to when he wakes up, just when he's falling asleep after a feeding. Also, I think one cause of his waking is gas, and I don't know what to do about that at all. I've tried Mylicon, and it doesn't seem to do much good. I tried gripe water, and it seemed to make things worse.
So I don't know what to do. I feel like I must be doing things wrong, since everybody's babies are sleeping through the night but mine.
What the hell am I doing wrong? I'm doing demand feeding, basically because most everyone says that the Babywise method (or any other method involving scheduled feedings) leads to babies who are undernourished, dehydrated, and failing to thrive. And yet people keep asking me if I'm letting him "cry it out" at night. It seems like the two things are incompatible; how can I feed him when he wants it during the day and yet deny him a feeding at night? I've been hoping that one night he'll just, I don't know, not wake up until morning. Without my having to ignore his crying. Because I can't stand the crying, let me just say. It raises my blood pressure and makes me feel frantic, like I should be doing everything possible to get him to stop crying. If I let him cry, I generally end up crying myself. I've tried not responding to him right away at night, but he seems to get more and more agitated and awake, rather than giving up and going back to sleep. He doesn't seem to be into self-soothing. Now, there are times when I put him down while he's still somewhat awake, and he'll sort of croon to himself for a while and then fall asleep, but that doesn't seem to apply to when he wakes up, just when he's falling asleep after a feeding. Also, I think one cause of his waking is gas, and I don't know what to do about that at all. I've tried Mylicon, and it doesn't seem to do much good. I tried gripe water, and it seemed to make things worse.
So I don't know what to do. I feel like I must be doing things wrong, since everybody's babies are sleeping through the night but mine.
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