We didn't even make it to 8:30 a.m. before we experienced our first crisis.
Let me preface this by explaining that I am not a great parent. I have never in the six years that I've been a parent stayed home all day every day with both kids. The first summer, of course, when my older son was still a baby, I was home with him. But at that point, it was relatively easy. He was on formula by then instead of breastfeeding, so I didn't have to be "tied" to him all the time (man, when he was breastfeeding...sheesh. He'd fall asleep still attached to the boob, which meant I was stuck sitting with him beside me on the boppy pillow, and I couldn't do anything other than watch movies and check Facebook on my phone. Much like every other summer). I was able to take him on errands and not worry about him wandering off, and if he made noise, everyone else just thought it was super cute. When he'd fall asleep, I could get other things done. Ah, those were the days.
The next summer, when my older son was a year-and-a-half, I also had a newborn to deal with. My younger son was born June 8. So my daycare provider, in her infinite awesomeness, took the older one each day so that I only had the new baby to worry about. Thank goodness for that. I don't know what I would have done with a crazy toddler and a fussy infant at the same time. While I didn't get out much, since the baby was still really young, I did at least get out a few times, and he was easy to lug along in the pumpkin carrier.
Ever since then, each summer has been a "partial" summer, with the boys going to the sitter at least three days a week. Two summers ago, it was four days a week, and last summer it was actually five days a week. The days were a little shorter, because we'd take the boys later in the morning and pick them up earlier, but it still gave me time each week to do things for myself. I loved going to the movies on discount Tuesdays. I got to see movies that my husband wasn't necessarily interested in seeing and that I couldn't take the kids to see.
The reason things have changed this year is money. With both of us working side jobs (my husband consults for a company in North Carolina and I proctor standardized tests each month and also work with the National Writing Project to do professional development for teachers), we ended up pushing ourselves out of our tax bracket this year. Instead of getting money back like we usually do, we owe $4000 in income tax. In trying to figure out how we were going to afford the unexpected tax payment, we came to the decision that it was time to end daycare. It seemed silly to pay $1200 each month for daycare when I'm sitting at home by myself, especially since we still paid the full $300 each week even though she watched them for a shorter period of time each day. Two and a half months' of no daycare would take care of $3000 of our tax burden. Then, in the fall, both boys will be in school full time for the first time (big brother in first grade and little brother in kindergarten). We decided that we would put them in afterschool programs at the local YMCA, which buses the kids from their schools to the Y (right across the street from my husband's workplace) and costs for one month the same as about a week and a half of daycare. Seemed like a no-brainer.
The problem is my sanity. Again, as I've established, I am not a good parent. I really don't enjoy spending time with my kids. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't love them. I do. And it doesn't mean that there aren't times when I have fun with my kids. What it does mean is that I have very little patience, and my kids aggravate the crap out of me most days in less than fifteen minutes. I end up yelling at them (never thought I'd be a yeller, but am I ever) about everything.
This morning is a perfect example. Both kids were up much earlier than I anticipated. We let them stay up more than an hour past their school-year bedtimes in the hopes that they'd sleep in a bit. Instead, I was coming back from my walk with the dog at about 6:45 a.m., and both of the boys were already out of bed and in the living room. So much for having peaceful time with my coffee this morning. That pretty much set the tone for the day. Things seemed like they would go ok, for a while. We made up a checklist of things the kids had to accomplish before they were allowed to use tablets, computers, or the tv, stuff like getting dressed, eating their breakfast, making their beds, and the like. But then the wheels started falling off. At 8:20, my older son managed to let the dog out of the house (our yard is not fenced and our dog is not obedient). I had to lure her back into the house with pepperoni and cheese, while my kids ran around and basically got in the way. It's especially worrisome when she gets out, because there's a no-loose-dog ordinance in our neighborhood, so she could get picked up by animal control, and of course she could get hit by a car. I just wish the kids would be more careful. After that, I had a video call with a coworker regarding the professional development we are doing for some teachers later this week (which I still don't have childcare for, by the way). I had to find a place that was quiet and that the boys wouldn't be likely to interrupt me. I went into my room, leaving them in the living room supposedly watching a movie. But of course they couldn't stay away. I didn't lock the bedroom door because I assumed they would hammer on it a be loud. But that meant they could come in. They both wandered in and out, asking questions, waving into the camera, and even making posters and showing them off. My friend thankfully has several kids of her own and totally understood, but it was still frustrating. My call didn't last long, thankfully. Both kids then started clamoring for lunch. At 9:30 a.m. Sigh. Perhaps if they hadn't woken up so early... I managed to distract them for a while with another movie, but they both grew bored. I told them both several times that they could go out and play with their friends, but they were unwilling to put forth the effort to find someone to play with. And heaven forbid they play with each other. That almost always ends in tears (occasionally mine). The crowning jewel of the morning was when my six-year-old knocked a salt shaker off the counter, popping loose the bottom and spilling salt all over the floor, which he promptly walked away from. It's still only 11:30 now, and I've already given them their lunch. They've been begging for snow cones, because I foolishly bought them a snow cone machine. I'm wishing I had tequila, because I could turn my own snow cone into a nice frozen margarita. :)
So, it's not even halfway through the first day of summer, and I'm already done. I have a couple of errands we need to run this afternoon, to the store and to my school to pick up some honors essays I need to read. Then I really hope I can convince the boys to play outside and give me some time to do some reading. I've got basically four books I need to read for my professional development workshop on Wednesday. Two days...four books...two kids...*sigh*
Pray for me.
Pool Time
Monday, June 5, 2017
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
Oh, what a difference a year makes.
I haven't been very good at blogging, which disappoints me, because I
really do enjoy writing. I just haven't felt that I've had much to
write about. But here I am at an anniversary, so I feel like this is a
good time for a post.
Today's weigh-in: 179.6.
This is not quite my lowest weight in the year I've been on the ketogenic (HF/LC) diet, but it's close. I think my best weight was 177.8, some time last week. One thing I've learned about this diet is that it has a lot of ups and downs, both literally and figuratively. My weight can fluctuate within three or four pounds pretty easily. That is really frustrating, but it's also usually pretty easily handled. I have also found that some foods don't work for me. Anything with ground beef, whether it's in burger form, tacos, chili, whatever, seems to trigger some kind of water retention. I typically gain a couple of pounds after eating something like that, and usually lose it in the next few days (side note: tomorrow will probably see such a gain, as I had a cheat day today: it was Indian taco day at school today, and hell yes I had one). Something that seems to help me lose quick weight is a fat fast. Unlike our regular ketogenic diet, which puts our fat intake between 60-70% of our calories, the fat fast is more like 80-90% fat. One that I had read about that seems to work well for me is to eat about a brick of cream cheese a day, and that's it. I know that sounds weird, but it works. Another thing that seems to work for both me and my husband is to have scrambled eggs and bacon or sausage for dinner. The mornings after those dinners, we usually find that we've lost weight from the day before.
Anyway, the upshot (or downshot, or whatever) of all of this is that I've lost about 50lbs in the past year. That's pretty impressive, considering it's entirely from the diet; there has been no change in my physical activity. I walk 2-3 miles almost every weekday, with the dog. That's it, though. I do feel that my physical activity level will have to increase, though, because my weight loss has slowed to a crawl. I doubt that I will be able to lose a whole lot more without a change in my exercise plan. I don't know what would be best, jogging, weight lifting, or plyometrics, but I don't have a lot of options because we don't have our gym membership anymore. I need to figure out how to work out at home, when the boys aren't here (because they must be involved when they're home. yay).
I don't have an official goal as far as my weight loss is concerned. I honestly didn't think I'd manage to hang on this long. I struggled with the ketogenic diet mightily at the beginning (I just went back and reread my posts from a year ago, and they were hilarious in a sad, depressed sort of way). Having done it for a year now, I do think it is something I can continue, with occasional cheat meals (like Indian taco day at school). If I can get below 174, I'll beat the lowest weight I achieved back in 2007 when we worked out so much. If I could get below 155 (which I doubt very much), I'd be down to the weight I was at when I graduated high school. My lowest ever adult weight was about 123, but of course that was through very unhealthy means, so it doesn't really count.
I'm proud of myself for working through the difficulties at the beginning of the diet, and sticking with it this long. I've found lots of resources, mostly on Pinterest, for recipes that we've been able to use. I have high hopes that I'll at least lose a few more pounds, and that I'll be able to maintain my weight after that. Now I intend to improve my fitness...stay tuned.
Today's weigh-in: 179.6.
This is not quite my lowest weight in the year I've been on the ketogenic (HF/LC) diet, but it's close. I think my best weight was 177.8, some time last week. One thing I've learned about this diet is that it has a lot of ups and downs, both literally and figuratively. My weight can fluctuate within three or four pounds pretty easily. That is really frustrating, but it's also usually pretty easily handled. I have also found that some foods don't work for me. Anything with ground beef, whether it's in burger form, tacos, chili, whatever, seems to trigger some kind of water retention. I typically gain a couple of pounds after eating something like that, and usually lose it in the next few days (side note: tomorrow will probably see such a gain, as I had a cheat day today: it was Indian taco day at school today, and hell yes I had one). Something that seems to help me lose quick weight is a fat fast. Unlike our regular ketogenic diet, which puts our fat intake between 60-70% of our calories, the fat fast is more like 80-90% fat. One that I had read about that seems to work well for me is to eat about a brick of cream cheese a day, and that's it. I know that sounds weird, but it works. Another thing that seems to work for both me and my husband is to have scrambled eggs and bacon or sausage for dinner. The mornings after those dinners, we usually find that we've lost weight from the day before.
Anyway, the upshot (or downshot, or whatever) of all of this is that I've lost about 50lbs in the past year. That's pretty impressive, considering it's entirely from the diet; there has been no change in my physical activity. I walk 2-3 miles almost every weekday, with the dog. That's it, though. I do feel that my physical activity level will have to increase, though, because my weight loss has slowed to a crawl. I doubt that I will be able to lose a whole lot more without a change in my exercise plan. I don't know what would be best, jogging, weight lifting, or plyometrics, but I don't have a lot of options because we don't have our gym membership anymore. I need to figure out how to work out at home, when the boys aren't here (because they must be involved when they're home. yay).
I don't have an official goal as far as my weight loss is concerned. I honestly didn't think I'd manage to hang on this long. I struggled with the ketogenic diet mightily at the beginning (I just went back and reread my posts from a year ago, and they were hilarious in a sad, depressed sort of way). Having done it for a year now, I do think it is something I can continue, with occasional cheat meals (like Indian taco day at school). If I can get below 174, I'll beat the lowest weight I achieved back in 2007 when we worked out so much. If I could get below 155 (which I doubt very much), I'd be down to the weight I was at when I graduated high school. My lowest ever adult weight was about 123, but of course that was through very unhealthy means, so it doesn't really count.
I'm proud of myself for working through the difficulties at the beginning of the diet, and sticking with it this long. I've found lots of resources, mostly on Pinterest, for recipes that we've been able to use. I have high hopes that I'll at least lose a few more pounds, and that I'll be able to maintain my weight after that. Now I intend to improve my fitness...stay tuned.
Monday, September 5, 2016
So much for my plan of blogging more often...
My last post was right before school got out for the summer. It's now been a week and a half since school started again, and I'm only now just posting...so much for my grand plan of posting more regularly and more often. Oh well.
Weigh-in: 185.8. This is about 1.5 lbs up from yesterday, but we had a pretty epic cheat day yesterday, hosting a fantasy football draft party at our house. I still feel like I ate better and less than I historically would have at such an event, but I certainly didn't stick to the low carb plan. I feel a bit lethargic and bloated today, and I'm sure that has something to do with it. I probably should do a fat fast this week. I'll wait and see if I drop some water weight this week before doing anything specific.
I'm about a month and a half from doing this low carb diet for a full year. I have to admit, this has been the only diet I've ever stuck to. But it's pretty clear that my weight loss has slowed significantly. I hit 185 back in mid July, and two months later I'm still at approximately the same weight. I need to make some changes, and I'm pretty sure those changes are going to have to come in the form of physical activity.
It isn't that I haven't been active; I walk (with a slight bit of jogging) between 2.5-3 miles most mornings. But obviously that isn't make a significant impact. Last summer I was doing the same thing, and didn't lose any weight at all until we made the dietary change. So I need to figure out something else. Most of what I read suggests that weights and intervals are the way to go. With the weather changing and getting icky outside (snow closed the mountain passes yesterday), I wonder if I should consider a treadmill...
Weigh-in: 185.8. This is about 1.5 lbs up from yesterday, but we had a pretty epic cheat day yesterday, hosting a fantasy football draft party at our house. I still feel like I ate better and less than I historically would have at such an event, but I certainly didn't stick to the low carb plan. I feel a bit lethargic and bloated today, and I'm sure that has something to do with it. I probably should do a fat fast this week. I'll wait and see if I drop some water weight this week before doing anything specific.
I'm about a month and a half from doing this low carb diet for a full year. I have to admit, this has been the only diet I've ever stuck to. But it's pretty clear that my weight loss has slowed significantly. I hit 185 back in mid July, and two months later I'm still at approximately the same weight. I need to make some changes, and I'm pretty sure those changes are going to have to come in the form of physical activity.
It isn't that I haven't been active; I walk (with a slight bit of jogging) between 2.5-3 miles most mornings. But obviously that isn't make a significant impact. Last summer I was doing the same thing, and didn't lose any weight at all until we made the dietary change. So I need to figure out something else. Most of what I read suggests that weights and intervals are the way to go. With the weather changing and getting icky outside (snow closed the mountain passes yesterday), I wonder if I should consider a treadmill...
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
There But For The Grace Of God...
I've been lying awake stewing over this particular issue long enough this morning to feel compelled to post, but it might cost me some friends. The accident at the zoo in which the gorilla was shot and killed to protect the 4-year-old boy who crawled into the enclosure was a terrible, terrible thing. It was a perfect storm of things that went wrong: an enclosure that was apparently not as secure as everyone thought, a mom who didn't take her son seriously when he said he wanted to go see the gorilla up close, you name it. But I am not ranting about the existence of zoos, or the choice to shoot to kill rather than tranquilize, or any of that. I am ranting about those people who are posting things calling that mother a "bitch", saying she should have her children taken away from her, saying she should be shot and killed as "Justice for Harambe". You know what? You are a f*cking terrible person. Let me explain why I feel this way right now. I have read comment after comment from people basically saying the same thing: "She is a bad parent because she let her child out of her sight. She is at fault. She is a terrible person and should be punished. [Here's where it really gets me steamed.] One of the following: I DON'T HAVE KIDS, BUT IF I DID, THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN TO THEM BECAUSE I WOULD WATCH THEM LIKE A HAWK. Or I WATCH MY CHILDREN 100% OF THE TIME; THAT EXPLAINS WHY NOTHING BAD LIKE THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED TO MY CHILDREN." I'm sorry, but if you believe that you are the reason nothing bad has happened to your kids, that you have kept an eye on them 100% of the time, round the clock, YOU ARE AN SANCTIMONIOUS IDIOT. No parent is perfect. And nobody, not a single person, not even the Immaculate Mary, has watched their kid 100% of the time. It's not possible. The reason nothing bad has happened to your kid is because you are lucky or blessed. And let's face it, nobody is always lucky or blessed. If you think you are a perfect parent and better than everyone else, I invite you to unfriend me right now. Because everyone makes mistakes. We don't all make the same mistakes, and we don't all make them in the same places. One of the thoughts that went through my mind when I read the news story was, Thank God that wasn't Brendan. Because kids are like Weeping Angels from Doctor Who: they are fast, faster than you can believe, and so you'd better not blink. Because there will come a day that you SWEAR you are watching your kid 100% of the time but you suddenly realize they aren't standing right next to you in the women's department of Target, or they aren't still playing on the floor with their legos, or they aren't on the swing on the playground even though they were JUST THERE, or God forbid you hear a screech of tires and realize your child is running into the street after a ball even though you've told him 100 times to never do that. The kid apparently told his mom he wanted to go in and see the gorilla, and she should have taken that seriously. But kids also say things like, "I'm going to go live on the moon" and "I'm going to marry my teddy bear." And you're supposed to magically know when to take that comment seriously? How do you know when a kid is going to act on something? YOU DON'T. The woman also had several children with her; should she have had another adult with her to help her with the load? Perhaps, but why does this suddenly justify a thousand Internet comments screaming for her head? Yes, a terrible, terrible accident has occurred, and heartbreakingly an animal has lost its life because of it. But if you think that this justifies death threats towards this parent, and you AREN'T A PARENT: Shut the f*ck up. And if you ARE A PARENT and you are spewing this crap right now, I want you to repeat after me: THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I. Because it COULD be your kid, no matter how awesome of a parent you THINK you are. So shut the f*ck up. YOU ARE WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIAL MEDIA. Go ahead and do us both a favor and click "Unfriend" now. Rant over.
Sunday, May 15, 2016
Ingratitude
I feel like an ungrateful beast a lot of times. I have life pretty good. I have a husband who loves me, two healthy kids, full-time employment...basically, everything I need. But I spend a lot of time being sad and depressed, when I don't have anything to be sad and depressed about. Depression is a bitch, because not only does it make a person feel awful, but can also remind that person that they shouldn't feel awful, and then that person feels awful about feeling awful.
Case in point: today. I spent a couple of hours this morning standing at an intersection in town, directing traffic for a half marathon. I was there for the safety of the runners, stopping cars while they crossed through the intersection. The half marathon is in memory of the son of a friend and coworker, a son who was five months younger than my older son, a little boy who died a few months shy of his second birthday. I am always reminded of this little boy as I check off milestones in my kids' lives. Brendan is 5 1/2; Josh will always be younger than 2 in the minds of everyone who knew him. Brendan will be starting kindergarten in the fall; Josh never even got to attend preschool. Brendan is an unstoppable energetic force; Josh never even learned to walk. This half marathon today was a fundraiser for an organization here in town that pays for the funerals of babies who died before their first birthday. I never faced anything like what those parents face. I should be incredibly thankful.
Then, I come home and read a blog post from a former student. She and her husband have three kids, all with special needs and medical conditions. Her youngest is in the hospital right now with breathing problems; one of her twins has a lump in his neck that may turn out to be cancerous (but hopefully will turn out to be benign). I cannot imagine the struggles that their family goes through on a daily basis. Both of my kids are on track developmentally and are healthy. I will never know what it is like to have a kid with chiari malformation or autism. I should be incredibly thankful.
But I sit in the middle of my living room, completely annoyed with my children and wishing I could be elsewhere. I feel exhausted and headachy, and I am inexplicably grumpy. I am ungrateful. And I hate myself for it.
Case in point: today. I spent a couple of hours this morning standing at an intersection in town, directing traffic for a half marathon. I was there for the safety of the runners, stopping cars while they crossed through the intersection. The half marathon is in memory of the son of a friend and coworker, a son who was five months younger than my older son, a little boy who died a few months shy of his second birthday. I am always reminded of this little boy as I check off milestones in my kids' lives. Brendan is 5 1/2; Josh will always be younger than 2 in the minds of everyone who knew him. Brendan will be starting kindergarten in the fall; Josh never even got to attend preschool. Brendan is an unstoppable energetic force; Josh never even learned to walk. This half marathon today was a fundraiser for an organization here in town that pays for the funerals of babies who died before their first birthday. I never faced anything like what those parents face. I should be incredibly thankful.
Then, I come home and read a blog post from a former student. She and her husband have three kids, all with special needs and medical conditions. Her youngest is in the hospital right now with breathing problems; one of her twins has a lump in his neck that may turn out to be cancerous (but hopefully will turn out to be benign). I cannot imagine the struggles that their family goes through on a daily basis. Both of my kids are on track developmentally and are healthy. I will never know what it is like to have a kid with chiari malformation or autism. I should be incredibly thankful.
But I sit in the middle of my living room, completely annoyed with my children and wishing I could be elsewhere. I feel exhausted and headachy, and I am inexplicably grumpy. I am ungrateful. And I hate myself for it.
Saturday, May 7, 2016
Slow progress is still progress
Today's weigh-in: 191.8
Well, I'm nearing a goal...I had hoped a couple weeks ago that I could be at or below 190 by the end of the school year. We still have four weeks to go, so it's looking possible. [Of course, I could easily bounce right back up, so I'm not trying to count any chickens before they've hatched.]
The next goal I have in mind is 185, which will put me in both of my kayaks again. I'd like to paddle a bit this summer, probably not on any rivers but maybe on the local lake.
After that, I'm hoping to get down below 175...that's about what my lowest previous weight was, around 2006? Hard to remember that long ago.
It's very slow going, though. I'll be stuck, plateaued, with my weight yo-yoing in a 3-4 lb fluctuation. This 191 that I've got could easily be 194 tomorrow. I need to keep going. I just wish I could have a consistent weight loss instead of the yo-yo pattern. That is no fun.
Well, I'm nearing a goal...I had hoped a couple weeks ago that I could be at or below 190 by the end of the school year. We still have four weeks to go, so it's looking possible. [Of course, I could easily bounce right back up, so I'm not trying to count any chickens before they've hatched.]
The next goal I have in mind is 185, which will put me in both of my kayaks again. I'd like to paddle a bit this summer, probably not on any rivers but maybe on the local lake.
After that, I'm hoping to get down below 175...that's about what my lowest previous weight was, around 2006? Hard to remember that long ago.
It's very slow going, though. I'll be stuck, plateaued, with my weight yo-yoing in a 3-4 lb fluctuation. This 191 that I've got could easily be 194 tomorrow. I need to keep going. I just wish I could have a consistent weight loss instead of the yo-yo pattern. That is no fun.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Think about Ink
So, for a while now, I've really wanted to get another tattoo. I got my 8th tattoo back in 2012, a few months after my younger son was born. This was the most important tattoo, one that was a memorial for my mother. It's a big celtic cross with knotwork on my left shoulderblade, and it has her initials in her own handwriting beneath it. I love my tattoos, although I admit that several of them have no real significance; I just got them because I liked them. But now, I have several more ideas for tattoos that I really really want to get, and all of them have significance.
1) On my right foot I would like to get a quote from Lord of the Rings. It's a line from the poem about Aragon: "Not all those who wander are lost." I would do it in a font similar to what Tolkien used for the books. I would like to put it along the outside of my foot, maybe wrapping around to the top. I'd also like to put a compass rose on the top of my foot. I'm trying to figure out if there's a way that I can incorporate several things into the compass rose. I'd like the arrows of the rose to be Katniss' arrows from The Hunger Games. In the center of the rose, I'd like to put the Deathly Hallows symbol. I'd love to see if I could get the Star Trek logo in there somehow as well, but I'm not sure how. And I want to find a way to incorporate a semicolon (see The Semicolon Project). I don't know if I can get all those things into the compass rose. I might just do the rose with the semicolons and save the other symbols for another time.
2) On the inside of my left forearm, I would like to get a quote from To Kill A Mockingbird, in type font. It's from the end of the book. Scout says, "Atticus, he was real nice." And Atticus replies, "Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them."
3) I want to get another Celtic knot, called a motherhood knot. I'm thinking about the back of my neck, or maybe the middle of my back between my shoulderblades. I would love to get some cool colors with it, like a watercolor splash. And I'm thinking about incorporating a quote somehow. I love the line from Shakespeare's play The Tempest: "We are such stuff as dreams are made on."
The problem is, how to pay for all this. I'm notoriously bad at money; I tend to spend it as soon as I have it. I need to save a couple hundred dollars for each tattoo, I'm sure. Just don't know how my hubby will feel about it. He has one tattoo, but he's never succumbed to the addiction like I have. Hard to justify a couple tattoos when we've got hefty balances on our credit cards. :/ I need to figure out how to make some money. O.o
1) On my right foot I would like to get a quote from Lord of the Rings. It's a line from the poem about Aragon: "Not all those who wander are lost." I would do it in a font similar to what Tolkien used for the books. I would like to put it along the outside of my foot, maybe wrapping around to the top. I'd also like to put a compass rose on the top of my foot. I'm trying to figure out if there's a way that I can incorporate several things into the compass rose. I'd like the arrows of the rose to be Katniss' arrows from The Hunger Games. In the center of the rose, I'd like to put the Deathly Hallows symbol. I'd love to see if I could get the Star Trek logo in there somehow as well, but I'm not sure how. And I want to find a way to incorporate a semicolon (see The Semicolon Project). I don't know if I can get all those things into the compass rose. I might just do the rose with the semicolons and save the other symbols for another time.
2) On the inside of my left forearm, I would like to get a quote from To Kill A Mockingbird, in type font. It's from the end of the book. Scout says, "Atticus, he was real nice." And Atticus replies, "Most people are, Scout, when you finally see them."
3) I want to get another Celtic knot, called a motherhood knot. I'm thinking about the back of my neck, or maybe the middle of my back between my shoulderblades. I would love to get some cool colors with it, like a watercolor splash. And I'm thinking about incorporating a quote somehow. I love the line from Shakespeare's play The Tempest: "We are such stuff as dreams are made on."
The problem is, how to pay for all this. I'm notoriously bad at money; I tend to spend it as soon as I have it. I need to save a couple hundred dollars for each tattoo, I'm sure. Just don't know how my hubby will feel about it. He has one tattoo, but he's never succumbed to the addiction like I have. Hard to justify a couple tattoos when we've got hefty balances on our credit cards. :/ I need to figure out how to make some money. O.o
Thursday, April 7, 2016
Cheaters Never Prosper
Today's weigh-in: 194.4
The reason I titled it "cheaters never prosper" is because I haven't been great about what I've been eating the past couple of days, and it has shown in the fact that an otherwise impressive several-pound run over the previous few days quickly ground to a halt. I was 194 flat on Tuesday, 194.4 yesterday, and 194.4 again today. I had some pringles, a crescent roll, some sugar-free (but still carb-y) ice cream, a nibble of a gluten-free (but not carb-free) apple crumble that I had made for my coworkers--not all at once, mind you, but any shift back to a more carb-centered diet from the low carb one we are doing now is likely to impact my weight loss. Someday, when I'm significantly lighter than this, I can perhaps have a cheat meal once every week or so, but I probably won't even be able to eat that way again, at least not regularly.
Which is why it is so easy to cheat. My kids are not eating a low carb diet. Little kids burn up tons of energy, and neither of my boys is fat, so neither has any reserves to burn. They need to burn carbs, so they need to eat them. That doesn't mean tons of sugar, but they eat cereal, bread, crackers, rice, pasta...all those things that I can't eat anymore. Which means I'm preparing those things, which means it's easy to taste-test or to snarf up their leftovers... it's easy to cheat. But if I cheat, I don't lose weight. I have to keep myself on track.
So far, I've done ok. While the weight loss has indeed slowed down to what sometimes feels like a crawl, it is still happening. I'm excited to be below the weight I was when we first moved here almost seven years ago (is that even possible? Almost seven years ago?), but I still have a long way to go. My husband mentioned that he is within a few pounds of the weight he was when we first met. That might be true for him, but it isn't for me. I might have been about 160 when I met my husband, but I was at the start of an eating disorder which caused me to drop about 35 lbs over the next year, putting me at my lowest adult weight of just under 125 lbs. There is no way I could ever achieve that kind of weight again, without resorting to something similar (obviously not a good idea). Honestly, if I could get under 170 lbs, I'd be ecstatic.
The next milestones I can achieve will be to reach the weight ranges for my kayaks (which I haven't been in since...forever--I don't even know when the last time I paddled was; we might have gotten in the boats when Brendan was little, just to paddle around a bit). The top weight for the Agent is 190; the top weight for my Little Joe is 185. I'm close, but not quite there yet. My goal, with eight weeks left before summer, is to at least be in the weight range for the Agent. I'd love to be in the Joe's range as well, but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I plan to paddle some this summer, even if it's just in the lake.
The reason I titled it "cheaters never prosper" is because I haven't been great about what I've been eating the past couple of days, and it has shown in the fact that an otherwise impressive several-pound run over the previous few days quickly ground to a halt. I was 194 flat on Tuesday, 194.4 yesterday, and 194.4 again today. I had some pringles, a crescent roll, some sugar-free (but still carb-y) ice cream, a nibble of a gluten-free (but not carb-free) apple crumble that I had made for my coworkers--not all at once, mind you, but any shift back to a more carb-centered diet from the low carb one we are doing now is likely to impact my weight loss. Someday, when I'm significantly lighter than this, I can perhaps have a cheat meal once every week or so, but I probably won't even be able to eat that way again, at least not regularly.
Which is why it is so easy to cheat. My kids are not eating a low carb diet. Little kids burn up tons of energy, and neither of my boys is fat, so neither has any reserves to burn. They need to burn carbs, so they need to eat them. That doesn't mean tons of sugar, but they eat cereal, bread, crackers, rice, pasta...all those things that I can't eat anymore. Which means I'm preparing those things, which means it's easy to taste-test or to snarf up their leftovers... it's easy to cheat. But if I cheat, I don't lose weight. I have to keep myself on track.
So far, I've done ok. While the weight loss has indeed slowed down to what sometimes feels like a crawl, it is still happening. I'm excited to be below the weight I was when we first moved here almost seven years ago (is that even possible? Almost seven years ago?), but I still have a long way to go. My husband mentioned that he is within a few pounds of the weight he was when we first met. That might be true for him, but it isn't for me. I might have been about 160 when I met my husband, but I was at the start of an eating disorder which caused me to drop about 35 lbs over the next year, putting me at my lowest adult weight of just under 125 lbs. There is no way I could ever achieve that kind of weight again, without resorting to something similar (obviously not a good idea). Honestly, if I could get under 170 lbs, I'd be ecstatic.
The next milestones I can achieve will be to reach the weight ranges for my kayaks (which I haven't been in since...forever--I don't even know when the last time I paddled was; we might have gotten in the boats when Brendan was little, just to paddle around a bit). The top weight for the Agent is 190; the top weight for my Little Joe is 185. I'm close, but not quite there yet. My goal, with eight weeks left before summer, is to at least be in the weight range for the Agent. I'd love to be in the Joe's range as well, but I don't want to set myself up for disappointment. I plan to paddle some this summer, even if it's just in the lake.
Saturday, January 30, 2016
Wake me up when January ends
Today's weigh-in: 206.0
Well, the month of January has been a bust. I'm still finishing the month (tomorrow) almost 25 lbs down from my starting point in October, but looking back at my weight this month, I've had so many plateaus and rebounds that I'm not finishing with any real weight loss for the month. I was at 207 at the beginning of the month; here I am at 206 on the second to the last day of the month. Even at my lightest weight so far, 204, I was only down not quite 4 lbs from that start point.
I think it's pretty clear that the diet alone is not really going to help me anymore. The days I've seen the best results have been days that I've chosen to not really eat dinner. That means it's the calorie restriction more than the ketogenic diet doing the work. It seems strange to me to put forth the effort of making dinner for my family and then not eat any of it. I'm not sure what kind of message that might send to my children in the long run. It's already hard enough to get them to sit still and eat their own food without me having to explain why I'm not eating anything.
I don't feel like I eat a lot. I have a couple cups of coffee during the day, with accompanying almond milk and/or cream; a celery stick with peanut butter; a couple of Atkins bars (which claim to be low in carbs, and have a lot of protein but not much fat); maybe a handful of nuts; meat and cheese for lunch; and then whatever we have for dinner, usually meat and veggies with some kind of cream sauce. My "splurge" is whipped cream, which I'm sure adds carbs because of the sugar in it, but I would have hoped I wasn't eating that much of it.
The worst thing so far is how tired I am. I just feel really run-down. My husband, having lost almost 60 lbs so far without much exercise, is feeling good and sleeping much better than he used to, but I'm still not sleeping great. I usually wake up a couple times at night, and when I wake up in the morning my muscles are stiff and sore and I have a headache. I still take blood pressure medication, and when I ran out the other day I gained a couple pounds but had high hopes that I would lose the weight again when refilling my meds, but it didn't really happen. I really want to sleep. All the time.
I wonder if it's "that time of the month" for me. I never know anymore; I have Mirena bc that has allowed me to not have a period since it was put in almost 4 years ago. But I know I still get moody. And that's how I've been feeling: sad and tired and disappointed.
I know I need to start exercising, but I just don't have any energy or motivation to do so. I want to start walking the dog again in the mornings instead of just putting her out in the yard, but when it's cold and windy out, I don't have the desire to do so.
I'm stuck in a rut. Boo hiss. Hopefully February will bring much-needed changes.
Well, the month of January has been a bust. I'm still finishing the month (tomorrow) almost 25 lbs down from my starting point in October, but looking back at my weight this month, I've had so many plateaus and rebounds that I'm not finishing with any real weight loss for the month. I was at 207 at the beginning of the month; here I am at 206 on the second to the last day of the month. Even at my lightest weight so far, 204, I was only down not quite 4 lbs from that start point.
I think it's pretty clear that the diet alone is not really going to help me anymore. The days I've seen the best results have been days that I've chosen to not really eat dinner. That means it's the calorie restriction more than the ketogenic diet doing the work. It seems strange to me to put forth the effort of making dinner for my family and then not eat any of it. I'm not sure what kind of message that might send to my children in the long run. It's already hard enough to get them to sit still and eat their own food without me having to explain why I'm not eating anything.
I don't feel like I eat a lot. I have a couple cups of coffee during the day, with accompanying almond milk and/or cream; a celery stick with peanut butter; a couple of Atkins bars (which claim to be low in carbs, and have a lot of protein but not much fat); maybe a handful of nuts; meat and cheese for lunch; and then whatever we have for dinner, usually meat and veggies with some kind of cream sauce. My "splurge" is whipped cream, which I'm sure adds carbs because of the sugar in it, but I would have hoped I wasn't eating that much of it.
The worst thing so far is how tired I am. I just feel really run-down. My husband, having lost almost 60 lbs so far without much exercise, is feeling good and sleeping much better than he used to, but I'm still not sleeping great. I usually wake up a couple times at night, and when I wake up in the morning my muscles are stiff and sore and I have a headache. I still take blood pressure medication, and when I ran out the other day I gained a couple pounds but had high hopes that I would lose the weight again when refilling my meds, but it didn't really happen. I really want to sleep. All the time.
I wonder if it's "that time of the month" for me. I never know anymore; I have Mirena bc that has allowed me to not have a period since it was put in almost 4 years ago. But I know I still get moody. And that's how I've been feeling: sad and tired and disappointed.
I know I need to start exercising, but I just don't have any energy or motivation to do so. I want to start walking the dog again in the mornings instead of just putting her out in the yard, but when it's cold and windy out, I don't have the desire to do so.
I'm stuck in a rut. Boo hiss. Hopefully February will bring much-needed changes.
Saturday, January 23, 2016
Slow Going
Today's weigh-in: 204.8
I'm only down three pounds since the beginning of the year. I actually had a nasty plateau, where I was stuck between 207-208 for an entire week and then jumped back up to 209 for a week, and then suddenly lost 4 lbs in two days and eventually made it down to 204. So I continue to lose, but it is slow going indeed. While my husband is over 50 lbs down from his starting weight, he's lost more than twice what I have, and he doesn't seem to have the same struggle with plateauing that I do.
I think what this means for me is that I truly do need to pay close attention to how much I'm eating. Also, I seem to do better when I don't eat dinner. Which makes sense, I suppose, because it would suggest that I take in more calories when I eat dinner. What seems to work best for me is to have a couple cups of coffee in the morning, a small lunch, a snack in mid afternoon, and a snack when I get home from work. That, of course, is difficult if I'm making a full meal for everyone else. I guess I can make dinner and just not really eat any of it.
I also really need to start working out. I haven't done anything yet, and I suspect that it will help my weight loss as long as I don't start adding too much muscle. I do need to tone my arms, because they are distressingly flabby. Gross.
Anyway, my next milestone is to be below 200. I'd love for it to happen before the beginning of February, but I'm not holding my breath.
I have another goal as well. I would like to get the house cleaned up and more organized. I've done a little bit so far; I sorted through a bit of the boys' clothes and tossed some of the stuff that's too old/small, and I went through a couple of my dresser drawers and did the same. Sadly, it meant that I had to say goodbye to a few shirts that I've had for a really long time, including a few St. Agnes shirts. I just need to remember that some of the smaller shirts that I have might start fitting again, and that the bigger stuff can go. If I were craftsy, I'd try to make my SAA shirts into a t-shirt quilt, but I don't have the ability to do it myself, and I'm not willing to spend money to have someone else do it.
I need to go through the rest of my dresser drawers and get that cleaned out. Then I should tackle my closet. The shoes have mostly been sorted already. I want to get the closet more usable, since it's so crowded. I need to figure out some kind of trays or baskets that I can use to organize under the bathroom sinks and on the over-the-toilet shelves. And of course the boys have a ton of toys that need to be sorted and tossed. I also have thousands of Magic cards that need to be sorted, alphabetized, and filed away. Maybe I can skip a day of school to work on that.
So it's a lot, but it has to be done at some point. It's all part of pretending to be a grown-up.
I'm only down three pounds since the beginning of the year. I actually had a nasty plateau, where I was stuck between 207-208 for an entire week and then jumped back up to 209 for a week, and then suddenly lost 4 lbs in two days and eventually made it down to 204. So I continue to lose, but it is slow going indeed. While my husband is over 50 lbs down from his starting weight, he's lost more than twice what I have, and he doesn't seem to have the same struggle with plateauing that I do.
I think what this means for me is that I truly do need to pay close attention to how much I'm eating. Also, I seem to do better when I don't eat dinner. Which makes sense, I suppose, because it would suggest that I take in more calories when I eat dinner. What seems to work best for me is to have a couple cups of coffee in the morning, a small lunch, a snack in mid afternoon, and a snack when I get home from work. That, of course, is difficult if I'm making a full meal for everyone else. I guess I can make dinner and just not really eat any of it.
I also really need to start working out. I haven't done anything yet, and I suspect that it will help my weight loss as long as I don't start adding too much muscle. I do need to tone my arms, because they are distressingly flabby. Gross.
Anyway, my next milestone is to be below 200. I'd love for it to happen before the beginning of February, but I'm not holding my breath.
I have another goal as well. I would like to get the house cleaned up and more organized. I've done a little bit so far; I sorted through a bit of the boys' clothes and tossed some of the stuff that's too old/small, and I went through a couple of my dresser drawers and did the same. Sadly, it meant that I had to say goodbye to a few shirts that I've had for a really long time, including a few St. Agnes shirts. I just need to remember that some of the smaller shirts that I have might start fitting again, and that the bigger stuff can go. If I were craftsy, I'd try to make my SAA shirts into a t-shirt quilt, but I don't have the ability to do it myself, and I'm not willing to spend money to have someone else do it.
I need to go through the rest of my dresser drawers and get that cleaned out. Then I should tackle my closet. The shoes have mostly been sorted already. I want to get the closet more usable, since it's so crowded. I need to figure out some kind of trays or baskets that I can use to organize under the bathroom sinks and on the over-the-toilet shelves. And of course the boys have a ton of toys that need to be sorted and tossed. I also have thousands of Magic cards that need to be sorted, alphabetized, and filed away. Maybe I can skip a day of school to work on that.
So it's a lot, but it has to be done at some point. It's all part of pretending to be a grown-up.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Happy New Year!
Today's weigh-in: 207.8.
I had really hoped to start off 2016 with my lowest weight in years (which was yesterday's weigh-in of 207 flat), but I apparently ate a lot yesterday. I'll try to do better today.
So, the low carb diet has been working, although not without its difficulties. Despite what some low carbers say, I do feel that I need to be mindful of the calories I consume, but of course most of my attention goes to making sure I'm not eating carbs and am eating fat. The whole thing still seems weird and counterintuitive to me, but it seems to be working. Since starting this diet on October 26, 2015, I have lost 23 lbs. Prior to the diet, I had lost only three lbs the entire rest of 2015. I would say that is evidence to suggest that the low carb diet has merit. I'm hoping to continue the weight loss. I don't really have any "goals" exactly; I just want to lose as much as I can. I guess when the weight loss finally stops, it will be time to put myself in maintenance mode. I'm sort of hoping that will be down around 150 lbs, which would be about an 80-lb loss, but I don't know what is possible and what is likely. The milestones coming up would be 206 (the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brendan), 200 (the weight I was right after we moved to Billings), and 175 (my previous lightest weight back in 2006 or so). It will also be nice to be back in the weight ranges for my boats. I'd love to start boating again.
Since it's the first day of the new year, I guess it's time for some resolutions. Some of these are hard and fast goals to accomplish, others are just things to get better about.
1) Obviously, the weight loss is the first item. Like I said, I don't have any specific goals in mind; I just want to keep losing. My husband has lost almost 50 lbs on this diet, more than twice what I've lost. I need to keep at it. Not that it's a competition, but still... Part of my desire with the weight loss is to start incorporating exercise. It boggles my mind that I've lost over 20 lbs without any kind of exercise at all, but I'm pretty sure that the weight loss won't continue, at least not at its present rate, without a little help. I'd like to exercise 3 times a week, for now, maybe for about 20 minutes or so. I'll start small.
2) Do a better job at work. This one is pretty non-specific, and encompasses a number of things. I've been intending to compile binders for all the units I teach in each class, which will include a unit rationale and overview, a schedule, the standards alignment for all the assignments, the assignments themselves, and any additional materials. That would be nice, to have everything right where I can find it, instead of digging in my file cabinets over and over again. That doesn't mean that I'll always get to everything; I never do. I'd also like to do a better job of getting stuff graded quickly. I started out ok this semester, but now I'm way behind. I'm currently trying to grade an essay they turned in back in mid December, a travel brochure they turned in right before break, AND the rough draft of an argumentative essay that must contain comments and corrections...by Monday. Great.
3) Clean up the house. I have a few specific jobs that I want to accomplish. I need to finish sorting/tossing the toys in the basement. They've been stuffed into plastic tubs for long enough now that I'm sure the boys won't even remember most of them, let alone want to play with them. It's just a matter of getting them out of the house without the boys noticing. I'd like my husband to build some storage system down there; that would certainly help. I also need to get my Magic cards sorted, alphabetized, and stored. I'd like to make some new decks, not that I ever play anymore, but I can't really do that if I don't know what I have. Lastly, I'd like to get some storage baskets and tubs and such for the bathrooms, to more easily store things like makeup and stuff like that. Right now things are just kind of all over the counters or tossed under the sink, which doesn't help us find anything. I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff I could include, like sorting my clothes and getting rid of stuff that's outdated or doesn't fit, but I'm reluctant to do some of that with the weight loss that's progressing. I need to finish the clothing purge I've been doing for the boys, and I'm sure my husband needs to do some for himself. There's also the matter of printing photos and putting them in the frames that have been sitting idle for, gosh, years now, and we need to put away all the Christmas stuff. That's plenty for now.
Anyway, that's a good place to start. Time to go grade some essays.
I had really hoped to start off 2016 with my lowest weight in years (which was yesterday's weigh-in of 207 flat), but I apparently ate a lot yesterday. I'll try to do better today.
So, the low carb diet has been working, although not without its difficulties. Despite what some low carbers say, I do feel that I need to be mindful of the calories I consume, but of course most of my attention goes to making sure I'm not eating carbs and am eating fat. The whole thing still seems weird and counterintuitive to me, but it seems to be working. Since starting this diet on October 26, 2015, I have lost 23 lbs. Prior to the diet, I had lost only three lbs the entire rest of 2015. I would say that is evidence to suggest that the low carb diet has merit. I'm hoping to continue the weight loss. I don't really have any "goals" exactly; I just want to lose as much as I can. I guess when the weight loss finally stops, it will be time to put myself in maintenance mode. I'm sort of hoping that will be down around 150 lbs, which would be about an 80-lb loss, but I don't know what is possible and what is likely. The milestones coming up would be 206 (the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant with Brendan), 200 (the weight I was right after we moved to Billings), and 175 (my previous lightest weight back in 2006 or so). It will also be nice to be back in the weight ranges for my boats. I'd love to start boating again.
Since it's the first day of the new year, I guess it's time for some resolutions. Some of these are hard and fast goals to accomplish, others are just things to get better about.
1) Obviously, the weight loss is the first item. Like I said, I don't have any specific goals in mind; I just want to keep losing. My husband has lost almost 50 lbs on this diet, more than twice what I've lost. I need to keep at it. Not that it's a competition, but still... Part of my desire with the weight loss is to start incorporating exercise. It boggles my mind that I've lost over 20 lbs without any kind of exercise at all, but I'm pretty sure that the weight loss won't continue, at least not at its present rate, without a little help. I'd like to exercise 3 times a week, for now, maybe for about 20 minutes or so. I'll start small.
2) Do a better job at work. This one is pretty non-specific, and encompasses a number of things. I've been intending to compile binders for all the units I teach in each class, which will include a unit rationale and overview, a schedule, the standards alignment for all the assignments, the assignments themselves, and any additional materials. That would be nice, to have everything right where I can find it, instead of digging in my file cabinets over and over again. That doesn't mean that I'll always get to everything; I never do. I'd also like to do a better job of getting stuff graded quickly. I started out ok this semester, but now I'm way behind. I'm currently trying to grade an essay they turned in back in mid December, a travel brochure they turned in right before break, AND the rough draft of an argumentative essay that must contain comments and corrections...by Monday. Great.
3) Clean up the house. I have a few specific jobs that I want to accomplish. I need to finish sorting/tossing the toys in the basement. They've been stuffed into plastic tubs for long enough now that I'm sure the boys won't even remember most of them, let alone want to play with them. It's just a matter of getting them out of the house without the boys noticing. I'd like my husband to build some storage system down there; that would certainly help. I also need to get my Magic cards sorted, alphabetized, and stored. I'd like to make some new decks, not that I ever play anymore, but I can't really do that if I don't know what I have. Lastly, I'd like to get some storage baskets and tubs and such for the bathrooms, to more easily store things like makeup and stuff like that. Right now things are just kind of all over the counters or tossed under the sink, which doesn't help us find anything. I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff I could include, like sorting my clothes and getting rid of stuff that's outdated or doesn't fit, but I'm reluctant to do some of that with the weight loss that's progressing. I need to finish the clothing purge I've been doing for the boys, and I'm sure my husband needs to do some for himself. There's also the matter of printing photos and putting them in the frames that have been sitting idle for, gosh, years now, and we need to put away all the Christmas stuff. That's plenty for now.
Anyway, that's a good place to start. Time to go grade some essays.
Saturday, October 31, 2015
Too tired to think about low carb
Today's weigh-in: 222.4
Well, I'm down about 7 lbs since the beginning of the week. What I've read about the ketogenic (low carb, high fat) diet is that the quick weight loss at the beginning is mostly water weight. That means it's easy to gain back. So I need to be really careful to continue the diet to ensure that my weight doesn't go back up. I know from watching my hubby in his attempt, which has gone on about three weeks longer than mine has, is that after about two weeks the weight loss will slow down. I'm hoping that, by that time, I can be down about 20 lbs. I think that will make a big difference, since I haven't even incorporated working out into the equation yet.
Tomorrow is the first day of November, and I think I'll try to do one of those workout "challenges" that I see on Pinterest all the time. Maybe that will keep me from bogging down in the diet.
But I just have no energy at all. I don't know what it is; I guess it could just be my body wanting its carbs. Hopefully this will get easier once my body gets a little more used to the diet. Cross your fingers.
Well, I'm down about 7 lbs since the beginning of the week. What I've read about the ketogenic (low carb, high fat) diet is that the quick weight loss at the beginning is mostly water weight. That means it's easy to gain back. So I need to be really careful to continue the diet to ensure that my weight doesn't go back up. I know from watching my hubby in his attempt, which has gone on about three weeks longer than mine has, is that after about two weeks the weight loss will slow down. I'm hoping that, by that time, I can be down about 20 lbs. I think that will make a big difference, since I haven't even incorporated working out into the equation yet.
Tomorrow is the first day of November, and I think I'll try to do one of those workout "challenges" that I see on Pinterest all the time. Maybe that will keep me from bogging down in the diet.
But I just have no energy at all. I don't know what it is; I guess it could just be my body wanting its carbs. Hopefully this will get easier once my body gets a little more used to the diet. Cross your fingers.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Positives and Negatives
So, on the positive side, I've exercised for five days in a row. That's way better than I've done in a long time. I've been recording my walks with the Map My Walk app, and other than a slight misstep yesterday with the app (my battery was low so the GPS ceased functioning properly, failing to register at least half a mile of my walk), it seems to be going ok. I was really sore at first, but that's gotten better. I did have to get new shoes on Thursday after the other two pairs I own blistered my pinky toes and my heels, but the new shoes seem to do the job pretty well. My mile split time hasn't really improved yet, mostly because I was gimping along with the blisters, but I hope that will get better as well. I probably won't ever get much over three miles (about a 5K), simply because I'm not dedicating more than about an hour to the workout, but if I can increase my speed...we'll see. Anyway, I also went for two bike rides this week, although I neglected to record them with any apps. I did download the sister app, Map My Ride, but haven't used it yet. Both times I didn't ride far or ride fast, but I was lugging little brother in his bike trailer, so that probably increased the workout.
Another positive is that I finished the required work for this AP training I'm attending next week. We were notified three weeks before the start of the workshop that we had to read and bring with us four short stories and three out of four novels. I will need to go back over some study guides for the novels (especially Heart of Darkness, which took me forever to read even though it's really short) to remind myself of some stuff, but I actually read all the stories and am even working on the fourth novel even though we only had to read three of them. I saved the longest for last, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, but I actually find this one the most interesting of the novels. Oh well. I won't have it finished by the time we go to the workshop (we leave tomorrow evening), but I'll probably be at least halfway through it. I printed off and compiled a huge binder full of study guides and lesson plans for the stories and novels as well. We were supposed to bring an English literature curriculum, so I printed one off as well. I really don't know what to expect from this training--I've only attended one other AP training, on teaching rhetoric. I really need to pull those materials back out and look them over again, as I never really did anything with them. I'm glad to be attending this workshop with friends, three other English teachers from my school.
I'm glad I got my reading done, and I'm proud of having worked out for five days in a row...but on to the negatives...
I gained two pounds this week.
Yep, 233.4.
I was 231.6 on Monday. I've exercised seven times in five days. I've walked nearly 10 miles. And yet I gained two pounds. That is so very disappointing. I'm pretty sure I know why, academically I mean. Getting up early and exercising makes me hungry. So instead of just having a cup of coffee and not actually eating anything until later in the morning, I end up having toast or a bowl of cereal. My metabolism might be cranked up, but I'm also feeding it more. I've also eaten some things I shouldn't have, like popcorn and candy at a movie on Tuesday, ice cream a few nights of the week, and cupcakes which I made for the boys. But I would have hoped that the exercise might at least mitigate some of that. I really expected to be sitting at the same weight from Monday, at the worst, so this really is a disappointment.
I should do better about eating this week, since I'm at this conference and can't really snack much, but I am probably going to be eating out a bit as well. I don't know about exercising, either. I hope the hotel we're in has a gym or something I can use, because I don't know anything about the neighborhood we'll be in and whether or not it would be a good idea to walk there. I also don't know if altitude will have any effect on me. Bozeman is about 1500 ft higher than Billings, and I do have a noted sensitivity to altitude. We'll just have to see.
Also on the negative side: potty training. Ian is starting preschool this fall, and they require the kids to be potty trained, no pull-ups or anything. They start school in September, which means we still have two complete months to work on this, but he's really not interested at all. I think I'm going to have to put him in underpants and carry rug cleaner around with me so that when he does end up peeing on the floor I can clean it up. The trip we took didn't help at all--we couldn't stop that often for him to potty, and although we did put him on the big potties when we would stop, he usually had already used his diaper. We also brought his potty with use and tried to use it as often as we could, but with the schedule we were on, it just didn't work out well. That means we really need to get on it. He does OK at his sitter's house, but she takes the potty everywhere in the house they go (including the yard) and puts him on it. Well, I do that at home too, but he cries when I do it, and like I said somehow I miss the timing and he's already used his diaper. And it means we really can't go anywhere, like the playground or the spray park, until he's gotten better about the potty. Sigh.
So anyway, there have been positives and negatives this week. I just need to get more positives.
Another positive is that I finished the required work for this AP training I'm attending next week. We were notified three weeks before the start of the workshop that we had to read and bring with us four short stories and three out of four novels. I will need to go back over some study guides for the novels (especially Heart of Darkness, which took me forever to read even though it's really short) to remind myself of some stuff, but I actually read all the stories and am even working on the fourth novel even though we only had to read three of them. I saved the longest for last, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver, but I actually find this one the most interesting of the novels. Oh well. I won't have it finished by the time we go to the workshop (we leave tomorrow evening), but I'll probably be at least halfway through it. I printed off and compiled a huge binder full of study guides and lesson plans for the stories and novels as well. We were supposed to bring an English literature curriculum, so I printed one off as well. I really don't know what to expect from this training--I've only attended one other AP training, on teaching rhetoric. I really need to pull those materials back out and look them over again, as I never really did anything with them. I'm glad to be attending this workshop with friends, three other English teachers from my school.
I'm glad I got my reading done, and I'm proud of having worked out for five days in a row...but on to the negatives...
I gained two pounds this week.
Yep, 233.4.
I was 231.6 on Monday. I've exercised seven times in five days. I've walked nearly 10 miles. And yet I gained two pounds. That is so very disappointing. I'm pretty sure I know why, academically I mean. Getting up early and exercising makes me hungry. So instead of just having a cup of coffee and not actually eating anything until later in the morning, I end up having toast or a bowl of cereal. My metabolism might be cranked up, but I'm also feeding it more. I've also eaten some things I shouldn't have, like popcorn and candy at a movie on Tuesday, ice cream a few nights of the week, and cupcakes which I made for the boys. But I would have hoped that the exercise might at least mitigate some of that. I really expected to be sitting at the same weight from Monday, at the worst, so this really is a disappointment.
I should do better about eating this week, since I'm at this conference and can't really snack much, but I am probably going to be eating out a bit as well. I don't know about exercising, either. I hope the hotel we're in has a gym or something I can use, because I don't know anything about the neighborhood we'll be in and whether or not it would be a good idea to walk there. I also don't know if altitude will have any effect on me. Bozeman is about 1500 ft higher than Billings, and I do have a noted sensitivity to altitude. We'll just have to see.
Also on the negative side: potty training. Ian is starting preschool this fall, and they require the kids to be potty trained, no pull-ups or anything. They start school in September, which means we still have two complete months to work on this, but he's really not interested at all. I think I'm going to have to put him in underpants and carry rug cleaner around with me so that when he does end up peeing on the floor I can clean it up. The trip we took didn't help at all--we couldn't stop that often for him to potty, and although we did put him on the big potties when we would stop, he usually had already used his diaper. We also brought his potty with use and tried to use it as often as we could, but with the schedule we were on, it just didn't work out well. That means we really need to get on it. He does OK at his sitter's house, but she takes the potty everywhere in the house they go (including the yard) and puts him on it. Well, I do that at home too, but he cries when I do it, and like I said somehow I miss the timing and he's already used his diaper. And it means we really can't go anywhere, like the playground or the spray park, until he's gotten better about the potty. Sigh.
So anyway, there have been positives and negatives this week. I just need to get more positives.
Monday, June 22, 2015
My first "real" day of summer break
School has actually been out since June 5, but with company in town for my younger son's birthday and then a 10-day trip to visit family and friends in the south, today, Monday, June 22, is really my first actual day of summer. Today is the day we try to establish our summer routine. It shouldn't be too bad; the sitter is taking the boys Tuesdays through Thursdays, so I'm only solo on Mondays and Fridays. But the boys are definitely testing my patience. It's only 1:30 in the afternoon and I'm already completely done for the day.
I did get up at 6:00 this morning even though it's summer break, so that I could get a walk in before the boys got up. My weight was 231.6 this morning; not bad, considering how much unhealthy food we've eaten in the past two weeks: fast food, snacks in the car, and lots of southern barbecue and other yummies. I started out easy. I only walked about 25 minutes and did about 1 1/2 miles. I'll add a little each day. I would also like to hit the gym a few days a week.
Anyway, I've got lots of plans for the summer, most of which probably won't ever get started, let alone finished, but at least I've got a few goals. For now, I've got to get some reading done; I'm attending an AP training workshop next week and I have three novels and four short stories to finish by Sunday. Right now, I've only read 1 2/3 of the novels... O.o
I did get up at 6:00 this morning even though it's summer break, so that I could get a walk in before the boys got up. My weight was 231.6 this morning; not bad, considering how much unhealthy food we've eaten in the past two weeks: fast food, snacks in the car, and lots of southern barbecue and other yummies. I started out easy. I only walked about 25 minutes and did about 1 1/2 miles. I'll add a little each day. I would also like to hit the gym a few days a week.
Anyway, I've got lots of plans for the summer, most of which probably won't ever get started, let alone finished, but at least I've got a few goals. For now, I've got to get some reading done; I'm attending an AP training workshop next week and I have three novels and four short stories to finish by Sunday. Right now, I've only read 1 2/3 of the novels... O.o
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Happy Mother's Day
Happy Mother's Day to Me.
No weigh-in today. It's the middle of the day, and I've eaten plenty of food, so it wouldn't be a legit weigh-in. Besides after eating fast food and a big pre-Mother's Day dinner yesterday with dessert and everything, it wouldn't be a good weigh-in. But nothing has changed from the usual. I should be just under 230, where I have languished since January. No working out, moderately trying to eat right (salad at lunch every day). It doesn't matter. Without hard-core exercise, the weight won't change.
I'm soloing for Mother's Day. My husband had to travel for work, so he left at lunchtime today, leaving me with the boys until Wednesday night. It'll be a long few days, for sure. But there wasn't going to be much celebrating for Mother's Day anyway. My husband made me a steak dinner last night, which was great, but no card, no gift. It isn't that he's insensitive or anything like that, but he doesn't often think of gifts or whatnot. I'm usually responsible for holiday gift giving, for the most part. Couple that with a lack of money this week (heck, this lifetime), and there was no organized plan for the holiday. Brendan gave me a painted vase and tissue paper flower he made in preschool, and I got a card from my dad and texts from my sister-in-law and several friends. I've already had to deal with a messy nosebleed from Ian after a head to head collision with his big brother, that has created a bunch more laundry to do. Yay.
I don't really feel much like celebrating my motherhood right now, anyway. While I love my boys, and nothing will ever change that, I do not like parenting. Life right now is very few hugs, snuggles, and adorable moments, and lots of dirty diapers from a potty-training-resistant almost-three-year-old, nasty attitude from a terribly badly-behaved four-year-old, and misery. The boys have brought out a side of me that I did not ever imagine I had: a mean-spirited, violence-threatening, constantly angry me. I swear all the time. I shout all the time. And I occasionally desire to lash out physically; while I don't hit my children, I have actually let Brendan know how much I wish I could. I am terrified that I am instilling in him the idea that it's ok to hit people or at least threaten them, but I don't know how to stop myself from getting so angry.
I am never happy. I teeter between anger and tears all the time. I spend every moment at home wishing I was anywhere but here, and I spend every moment at work wishing I was home. It doesn't make any sense. I am miserable, and I don't know what to do. I know my husband is frustrated and confused with the changes I've gone through since having kids; while I occasionally experienced depression, I was not a truly depressed person until I had kids. I feel like I don't get as much help from him as I need--I'm the one who gets the kids up and ready in the morning, I'm the one who gets their meals together, and I'm the one who gets them bathed, jammied, and in bed, 90% of the time. I'm the one who does most of the laundry and dishes. He spends most of his time in the easy chair with his laptop, tablet, or phone, watching tv. It's surely not as bad as I perceive it to be, but it sure feels that way.
As Mother's Day approached, I read some internet posts about what mothers really want for Mother's Day, like a massage that isn't intended to be seductive, a foot rub that lasts more than 90 seconds, a thank you, stuff like that. I thought about what I wanted for Mother's Day, and the only thing that came to mind was the desire to go back to the way things were before I was a mother.
Before kids, we could go where we wanted to go and do what we wanted to do, whenever we wanted to do it. We didn't necessarily have any more money than we do now, but there was less pressure to use it responsibly, I guess--we didn't have to worry about the kids losing their daycare or their preschool because we couldn't pay the bill. There was less mess. Not that we were very clean people before, but we didn't have books and toys and goldfish crackers everywhere.
I'm paranoid posting something like this, because I have a terrible feeling that I'm going to be judged for feeling like this. I don't want to get rid of my kids. I don't want to hurt my kids. And I don't want my kids to grow up, read this somehow, and feel that they are awful people and ruined my life. I just miss the days that I didn't have to be responsible for anyone other than myself. I miss being happy more often than unhappy.
So it's not "Happy Mother's Day"...it's just Mother's Day. Same old same old.
No weigh-in today. It's the middle of the day, and I've eaten plenty of food, so it wouldn't be a legit weigh-in. Besides after eating fast food and a big pre-Mother's Day dinner yesterday with dessert and everything, it wouldn't be a good weigh-in. But nothing has changed from the usual. I should be just under 230, where I have languished since January. No working out, moderately trying to eat right (salad at lunch every day). It doesn't matter. Without hard-core exercise, the weight won't change.
I'm soloing for Mother's Day. My husband had to travel for work, so he left at lunchtime today, leaving me with the boys until Wednesday night. It'll be a long few days, for sure. But there wasn't going to be much celebrating for Mother's Day anyway. My husband made me a steak dinner last night, which was great, but no card, no gift. It isn't that he's insensitive or anything like that, but he doesn't often think of gifts or whatnot. I'm usually responsible for holiday gift giving, for the most part. Couple that with a lack of money this week (heck, this lifetime), and there was no organized plan for the holiday. Brendan gave me a painted vase and tissue paper flower he made in preschool, and I got a card from my dad and texts from my sister-in-law and several friends. I've already had to deal with a messy nosebleed from Ian after a head to head collision with his big brother, that has created a bunch more laundry to do. Yay.
I don't really feel much like celebrating my motherhood right now, anyway. While I love my boys, and nothing will ever change that, I do not like parenting. Life right now is very few hugs, snuggles, and adorable moments, and lots of dirty diapers from a potty-training-resistant almost-three-year-old, nasty attitude from a terribly badly-behaved four-year-old, and misery. The boys have brought out a side of me that I did not ever imagine I had: a mean-spirited, violence-threatening, constantly angry me. I swear all the time. I shout all the time. And I occasionally desire to lash out physically; while I don't hit my children, I have actually let Brendan know how much I wish I could. I am terrified that I am instilling in him the idea that it's ok to hit people or at least threaten them, but I don't know how to stop myself from getting so angry.
I am never happy. I teeter between anger and tears all the time. I spend every moment at home wishing I was anywhere but here, and I spend every moment at work wishing I was home. It doesn't make any sense. I am miserable, and I don't know what to do. I know my husband is frustrated and confused with the changes I've gone through since having kids; while I occasionally experienced depression, I was not a truly depressed person until I had kids. I feel like I don't get as much help from him as I need--I'm the one who gets the kids up and ready in the morning, I'm the one who gets their meals together, and I'm the one who gets them bathed, jammied, and in bed, 90% of the time. I'm the one who does most of the laundry and dishes. He spends most of his time in the easy chair with his laptop, tablet, or phone, watching tv. It's surely not as bad as I perceive it to be, but it sure feels that way.
As Mother's Day approached, I read some internet posts about what mothers really want for Mother's Day, like a massage that isn't intended to be seductive, a foot rub that lasts more than 90 seconds, a thank you, stuff like that. I thought about what I wanted for Mother's Day, and the only thing that came to mind was the desire to go back to the way things were before I was a mother.
Before kids, we could go where we wanted to go and do what we wanted to do, whenever we wanted to do it. We didn't necessarily have any more money than we do now, but there was less pressure to use it responsibly, I guess--we didn't have to worry about the kids losing their daycare or their preschool because we couldn't pay the bill. There was less mess. Not that we were very clean people before, but we didn't have books and toys and goldfish crackers everywhere.
I'm paranoid posting something like this, because I have a terrible feeling that I'm going to be judged for feeling like this. I don't want to get rid of my kids. I don't want to hurt my kids. And I don't want my kids to grow up, read this somehow, and feel that they are awful people and ruined my life. I just miss the days that I didn't have to be responsible for anyone other than myself. I miss being happy more often than unhappy.
So it's not "Happy Mother's Day"...it's just Mother's Day. Same old same old.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Time to start over (again...and again)
Well, my original plan, to be nice and skinny by the time I turned 40, failed. My birthday was two weeks ago, and here I am, still fat. The good news is that I am a teeny, tiny bit skinnier than I was. But it's pretty much just a victory on paper.
Today's weigh-in: 233.4
I am the lightest I've been since...well, I'm not entirely sure when. Not sure I got this low after having Ian, and pretty sure I was only about five pounds lighter than this after having Brendan. So I guess that is a good thing.
However, I still have a long, long way to go before I am at a point where I'll feel good about myself (that point is probably anywhere under 175 lbs).
I pooped out on my working out, after trying to make 30 days in September (which didn't quite happen--I think I made it two weeks). However, I've got the chance to start over again. The time change was this past weekend, and unlike spring when we leap forward an hour and stagger around short of sleep, we got an extra hour of sleep when we fell back. If I can keep getting up at the same time--5 am, which used to be 6 am--and make sure that I go to sleep a bit earlier than I would otherwise, I may be able to maintain my workout schedule. I didn't accomplish much this morning, just some marching in place, stretching, a few minutes on the elliptical, and some arm weights. But that still is a good place to start. I need to rotate the weights, walking, and elliptical, because I got really bored doing just the walking workouts in September. I have a Belly Blasting walking workout that I still haven't tried, too.
Also, we are making an effort to eat better. My husband pointed out that the last time we lost significant weight, in 2005 or so, he was just eating a sandwich or cereal at dinner time (because I was coaching swimming and wasn't home until after 9). I wasn't necessarily eating that healthy at that point, but I was working out regularly. We will have to be careful to feed the boys what they need, and try to push veggies and such. We also need to watch out for the leftover Halloween candy, which we have a ton of.
We have some motivation (although that never seems to matter to me). We are skiing for the week after Christmas with my in-laws. I know we won't be skiing all day every day--we have one little one who won't be old enough to do any skiing, and I know Brendan will want to do other things too)--but we need to be in good enough shape to do perhaps half a day each day. That's a lot, so we need to get on it. I'd also like to fit into all my ski apparel...
On an unrelated note, we've passed a few milestones lately. Brendan turned four a couple weeks ago, and he's definitely not a toddler anymore. He started preschool in September, and he loves it. I have no idea what he's actually learning, because he doesn't ever tell us anything about school, but in talking to his teacher, he is apparently at least a well-behaved kid at school. I'm glad, because he is a little turd at home most of the time. He talks back, tells fibs, and spends a lot of time standing in the corner as punishment. Ian has finally gotten around to talking. It's still difficult to tell what he's saying, most of the time, but he babbles a lot and wants to converse. He loves asking questions. He's a cute little stinker. He's started doing some of the two-year-old bratty stuff we saw with Brendan, doing things he knows he's not supposed to do, being a super-picky eater, whining about everything that happens, stuff like that. I'm just glad he's getting more verbal. We really worried about his language skills, but he seems to be getting past that.
Anyway, I will try to post more often. So many goals, so little willpower...
Today's weigh-in: 233.4
I am the lightest I've been since...well, I'm not entirely sure when. Not sure I got this low after having Ian, and pretty sure I was only about five pounds lighter than this after having Brendan. So I guess that is a good thing.
However, I still have a long, long way to go before I am at a point where I'll feel good about myself (that point is probably anywhere under 175 lbs).
I pooped out on my working out, after trying to make 30 days in September (which didn't quite happen--I think I made it two weeks). However, I've got the chance to start over again. The time change was this past weekend, and unlike spring when we leap forward an hour and stagger around short of sleep, we got an extra hour of sleep when we fell back. If I can keep getting up at the same time--5 am, which used to be 6 am--and make sure that I go to sleep a bit earlier than I would otherwise, I may be able to maintain my workout schedule. I didn't accomplish much this morning, just some marching in place, stretching, a few minutes on the elliptical, and some arm weights. But that still is a good place to start. I need to rotate the weights, walking, and elliptical, because I got really bored doing just the walking workouts in September. I have a Belly Blasting walking workout that I still haven't tried, too.
Also, we are making an effort to eat better. My husband pointed out that the last time we lost significant weight, in 2005 or so, he was just eating a sandwich or cereal at dinner time (because I was coaching swimming and wasn't home until after 9). I wasn't necessarily eating that healthy at that point, but I was working out regularly. We will have to be careful to feed the boys what they need, and try to push veggies and such. We also need to watch out for the leftover Halloween candy, which we have a ton of.
We have some motivation (although that never seems to matter to me). We are skiing for the week after Christmas with my in-laws. I know we won't be skiing all day every day--we have one little one who won't be old enough to do any skiing, and I know Brendan will want to do other things too)--but we need to be in good enough shape to do perhaps half a day each day. That's a lot, so we need to get on it. I'd also like to fit into all my ski apparel...
On an unrelated note, we've passed a few milestones lately. Brendan turned four a couple weeks ago, and he's definitely not a toddler anymore. He started preschool in September, and he loves it. I have no idea what he's actually learning, because he doesn't ever tell us anything about school, but in talking to his teacher, he is apparently at least a well-behaved kid at school. I'm glad, because he is a little turd at home most of the time. He talks back, tells fibs, and spends a lot of time standing in the corner as punishment. Ian has finally gotten around to talking. It's still difficult to tell what he's saying, most of the time, but he babbles a lot and wants to converse. He loves asking questions. He's a cute little stinker. He's started doing some of the two-year-old bratty stuff we saw with Brendan, doing things he knows he's not supposed to do, being a super-picky eater, whining about everything that happens, stuff like that. I'm just glad he's getting more verbal. We really worried about his language skills, but he seems to be getting past that.
Anyway, I will try to post more often. So many goals, so little willpower...
Friday, August 15, 2014
Another summer is coming to an end...
Although I have another week left before I have to go back to school, I feel like today is my last "real" day of summer, because it's my last day alone at home. Of course everyone will be home over the weekend, and next week my husband is taking off from work to spend time with me, since our fifteenth anniversary is next Thursday. Then we'll go camping next weekend, and then it's back to a new school year. While I'm very glad my husband is taking some time off work, it is a conflicting feeling, because I also jealously guard my summers as "me time".
This summer has been one that has afforded me very little "me time", and I feel like I'm not very rested or prepared to start work again. Usually I have a full summer to do what I want, when I want. Our sitter has typically watched the boys four days a week, meaning I only have to deal with them at home by myself for one day each week. Last summer I went to the movies almost every week. I get to do chores around the house without interruption, I get to work out when I want, and I get to take naps if I feel like it. But this summer has not been that way at all.
I've been busy from the very beginning. The end of the school year coincided with my younger son's second birthday, and so I had company in town. Then I started a three-week, eight-hour-a-day writing course that had so much homework I ended up spending an extra two to three hours each day working on. Although the daily class ended after three weeks, we still had another week and a half of writing before the end of the course, so I still wasn't doing other activities. All this was punctuated with several trips to Wyoming to visit family and go camping. After the 4th of July, our sitter cut back from watching the boys every day to watching them three week days each week. The week after my course finally ended, a friend of ours was coming to visit. She's not really on a schedule with this particular trip, and so instead of arriving on Tuesday (when I initially expected her) or Wednesday or Thursday (when she had said she'd be coming in), she didn't arrive until Sunday. Sure, that was a whole week to myself, but it was a week spent cleaning, getting ready for the visit, and following her texts, phone calls, and Facebook posts. She required a bit of guidance to get to Billings, so my time was spent on that instead of on me. [Gosh, it sounds so selfish when I write it like that.] Much of the next week was a trip to Yellowstone with my husband and our friend. Then home, and four very long days with the kids bouncing off the walls after not seeing us for part of a week. Our friend stayed with us for another two weeks after our Yellowstone trip, so I had to play hostess all that time. We were very happy to have her come see us, but it meant that I had to think about activities to do and places to go, and make things to eat. I couldn't sit back and just be my own lazy self. After she left, I had to deal with the boys for the weekend of course, and then I finally got a week to my self. I went to the movies, I flopped on the couch and watched tv, and I got some long-needed chores done (well, one of them). This has been a nice week, just decompressing after everything that's been on the schedule this summer. But it's just been this one week. Next week, my husband has the week off, and we will finish the week by getting in one last camping trip with the in-laws, and then...*poof* summer's over.
I guess I really need to get rid of the perception that summertime is "me time". I suspect we are getting close to the time when the boys will not be going to the sitter at all during the summer. I may only get one more summer, maybe, that is "me time", and then I'll have the boys to deal with. At least by then they should be better behaved and capable to going to public places without being complete boogers. I hope.
This summer has been one that has afforded me very little "me time", and I feel like I'm not very rested or prepared to start work again. Usually I have a full summer to do what I want, when I want. Our sitter has typically watched the boys four days a week, meaning I only have to deal with them at home by myself for one day each week. Last summer I went to the movies almost every week. I get to do chores around the house without interruption, I get to work out when I want, and I get to take naps if I feel like it. But this summer has not been that way at all.
I've been busy from the very beginning. The end of the school year coincided with my younger son's second birthday, and so I had company in town. Then I started a three-week, eight-hour-a-day writing course that had so much homework I ended up spending an extra two to three hours each day working on. Although the daily class ended after three weeks, we still had another week and a half of writing before the end of the course, so I still wasn't doing other activities. All this was punctuated with several trips to Wyoming to visit family and go camping. After the 4th of July, our sitter cut back from watching the boys every day to watching them three week days each week. The week after my course finally ended, a friend of ours was coming to visit. She's not really on a schedule with this particular trip, and so instead of arriving on Tuesday (when I initially expected her) or Wednesday or Thursday (when she had said she'd be coming in), she didn't arrive until Sunday. Sure, that was a whole week to myself, but it was a week spent cleaning, getting ready for the visit, and following her texts, phone calls, and Facebook posts. She required a bit of guidance to get to Billings, so my time was spent on that instead of on me. [Gosh, it sounds so selfish when I write it like that.] Much of the next week was a trip to Yellowstone with my husband and our friend. Then home, and four very long days with the kids bouncing off the walls after not seeing us for part of a week. Our friend stayed with us for another two weeks after our Yellowstone trip, so I had to play hostess all that time. We were very happy to have her come see us, but it meant that I had to think about activities to do and places to go, and make things to eat. I couldn't sit back and just be my own lazy self. After she left, I had to deal with the boys for the weekend of course, and then I finally got a week to my self. I went to the movies, I flopped on the couch and watched tv, and I got some long-needed chores done (well, one of them). This has been a nice week, just decompressing after everything that's been on the schedule this summer. But it's just been this one week. Next week, my husband has the week off, and we will finish the week by getting in one last camping trip with the in-laws, and then...*poof* summer's over.
I guess I really need to get rid of the perception that summertime is "me time". I suspect we are getting close to the time when the boys will not be going to the sitter at all during the summer. I may only get one more summer, maybe, that is "me time", and then I'll have the boys to deal with. At least by then they should be better behaved and capable to going to public places without being complete boogers. I hope.
Friday, August 8, 2014
DAMN am I fat.
So, my company left today. While it was great to have her here, it's something of a relief to not have to plan any activities, cook actual meals, or generally attempt to be more interesting than I am. It will be nice to have a little time to myself without feeling like I need to entertain someone else. I have two full weeks left before I have to show up for the beginning of another school year, so I have a little decompression time. But I have so much stuff to get done around the house! Argh! All summer long I had expected to be working on these projects--rearranging the linen closet, sorting through the boys' clothes, cleaning up the utility closet, that sort of thing. All I've managed to get done so far is get the linen closet emptied and get half of the contents washed and put away. That's it. Pretty big disappointment.
All this sitting around and eating these dinners I've cooked hasn't been good for the ol' waistline, either. It sounds really stupid, but when I cook a meal, I feel obligated to eat it, and the leftovers too. So I've been eating way more than I should, and of course I haven't been exercising. I did go on a two-hour horseback ride yesterday, which is the most physical activity I've had all summer. I knew my weight hadn't improved any; it's been sitting steady at close to 240. But I didn't realize how bad I really look. My friend has been taking occasional pictures on this trip, and I've ended up in a few of them.
Looking at these pictures, I cannot deny how horrifyingly fat I am. I don't see much of myself most of the time. In mirrors, I see myself from mid-torso up. Sure, I know I'm fat, but all I see is that view, straight on. I don't see my legs, my thighs, my ass, and I don't have a real perspective on my stomach other than that it's there and it's big. But in these pictures my friend is taking? Holy shit, I am a fucking beast. It doesn't help that my friend, who has been in some of the pictures with me, is a petite size 4 in comparison to my size 20. But even without her in it...I am FAT. No denying it. Here's the thing...when I see obese people, I sometimes think to myself, "Well, yeah, I'm fat, but at least I don't look that bad." But you know what? I DO look that bad. I look horrible.
I have been desperately afraid that she's going to tag me in these photos. I look awful, and I don't want all these other people on Facebook to know that. I also need to lose weight. As we've established before, I'm not very good at that. I have two weeks left before school starts, and I need to figure out a way to lose maximum weight in that amount of time. I didn't eat very well earlier today--I had fast food for lunch. But for these last two weeks, I'm going to have to really cut back. I also need to go to the gym every day. I'd like to get up in the mornings and do a 3-mile walk as well, since I'm supposed to do one on August 24. I just hope I can do something about this. I look TERRIBLE, and I'm so embarrassed about it.
All this sitting around and eating these dinners I've cooked hasn't been good for the ol' waistline, either. It sounds really stupid, but when I cook a meal, I feel obligated to eat it, and the leftovers too. So I've been eating way more than I should, and of course I haven't been exercising. I did go on a two-hour horseback ride yesterday, which is the most physical activity I've had all summer. I knew my weight hadn't improved any; it's been sitting steady at close to 240. But I didn't realize how bad I really look. My friend has been taking occasional pictures on this trip, and I've ended up in a few of them.
Looking at these pictures, I cannot deny how horrifyingly fat I am. I don't see much of myself most of the time. In mirrors, I see myself from mid-torso up. Sure, I know I'm fat, but all I see is that view, straight on. I don't see my legs, my thighs, my ass, and I don't have a real perspective on my stomach other than that it's there and it's big. But in these pictures my friend is taking? Holy shit, I am a fucking beast. It doesn't help that my friend, who has been in some of the pictures with me, is a petite size 4 in comparison to my size 20. But even without her in it...I am FAT. No denying it. Here's the thing...when I see obese people, I sometimes think to myself, "Well, yeah, I'm fat, but at least I don't look that bad." But you know what? I DO look that bad. I look horrible.
I have been desperately afraid that she's going to tag me in these photos. I look awful, and I don't want all these other people on Facebook to know that. I also need to lose weight. As we've established before, I'm not very good at that. I have two weeks left before school starts, and I need to figure out a way to lose maximum weight in that amount of time. I didn't eat very well earlier today--I had fast food for lunch. But for these last two weeks, I'm going to have to really cut back. I also need to go to the gym every day. I'd like to get up in the mornings and do a 3-mile walk as well, since I'm supposed to do one on August 24. I just hope I can do something about this. I look TERRIBLE, and I'm so embarrassed about it.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Now is the summer of my discontent...
This summer just is NOT going as planned. I had really hoped that I would be starting the school year about fifteen pounds lighter than I ended it, but it is not to be. I do still have four weeks from today until the first day of school, but my working out is still going to be iffy. I had thought that this week would be "mine", that after Monday with the boys I would be on my own after my company left. But my company hasn't left yet. Our friend who came to visit is on no particular time frame, and after we've assured her several times that she's welcome to stay as long as she likes, she is in no hurry to leave. It's nice to see her, especially since we haven't seen her in several years, but it's a little strange to not have any idea when she's planning on leaving. It means I have to be sort of "on" as a hostess all the time, to to mention the fact that she has plenty of time to evaluate my questionable parenting skills. *sigh* She's been invited to participate in a dog show in Denver on August 15, so she's planning on being in Colorado by then, but she doesn't yet know when her friend in Denver would like her to arrive. She is considering driving back through western Montana and also through Wyoming to do some sightseeing before going on to Colorado, but again, since she doesn't know a hard target date for Colorado yet, she hasn't really made other plans. My husband did show her some possible routes to take, and she's realized that she might end up spending 3-5 days on this longer drive, which means she might need to leave August 10 or so, but that means I still have 11 days left to host, feed, and entertain. Since we've been cooking dinner pretty much every night since we got back from our Yellowstone vacation, I've been eating more than I would have otherwise. We ate a lot on our vacation as well, so since we got back, I have tipped the scales at 240 lbs. We haven't done much physical activity either, so no exercise. I'm not comfortable going down to the basement to use the elliptical machine in the mornings, since my guest is staying down there. I don't want to go for an extended walk, because even in the mornings it's very warm outside and I also don't want my friend to wake up and come upstairs to find there's no one here. We could walk her dog, but her dog isn't used to walks and pulls quite a bit, and my friend is worried that she might pull out of her grip and get loose. Taking her to the dog park just doesn't give me the same exercise. I need to just start doing those Leslie Sansone walking workouts in the morning, upstairs, but I do feel a little weird about the possibility that my friend might walk upstairs mid-workout, and starting today we also have roofing guys working on the house (and the siding guys should be next) so I need to draw the curtains on all the windows so they don't watch me working out. That would be creepy. And I've got to start eating better, too. More veggies, less everything else.
My new goal is simply to lose five pounds before the first day of school. I hope I can do it. It seems like such a simple thing, to lose just over a pound a week, but I haven't been able to do anything like it for years.
My new goal is simply to lose five pounds before the first day of school. I hope I can do it. It seems like such a simple thing, to lose just over a pound a week, but I haven't been able to do anything like it for years.
Monday, July 14, 2014
So, Corey from Pawn Stars weighs less than me...
I just read an article that said that Corey Harrison from Pawn Stars, previously known as Big Hoss, now weighs 210 lbs after having lap band surgery a couple years ago and working out a lot more ever since. Must be nice.
I, on the other hand, do not weigh 210 lbs. I'm still close to 240, with my weight fluctuating a few pounds each day. I think I weighed myself a couple of days ago at 237.8. Sometimes I'm down to 236, sometimes up to 239. I don't top 240 unless I'm dressed or it's the end of the day. I usually weigh myself in the mornings so I'm as "empty" and light as I'm going to be.
Anyway, I had originally had plans to work out, either walking, swimming, or lifting, every day before my class. That didn't happen, as I discovered I needed all my non-kid time to read and write for the class. Even the week after the class, I still had lots of work to do on my final paper and portfolio, so I didn't do any working out. Over the 4th of July weekend I DID my first actual piece of exercise in God-knows-how-long: I walked a 5k with my mother-in-law. I knew she had been walking daily to get ready for it, and I was really worried about being able to keep up with her. It actually turned out way better than I thought; while I definitely got plenty of exercise in walking the course, I pushed her to her best 5k time, 54 minutes. I'm pretty sure I can do better than that. I've been meaning to try again, but I need to figure out an approximate course around here to walk. I just signed up for another one on August 24. I really should train first.
That 5k was it; I haven't done any exercise other than that. The past two weeks, after the 4th of July, I've had the boys F-M, which means no working out for four days in a row. I need to just suck it up and start getting on the elliptical or doing an in-house walking workout in the evenings after the boys go to bed. It's just that it's the only time I have to sit and enjoy my husband's presence. Also, working out in the evening makes it harder to go to sleep at night because my adrenaline is up. Working out in the morning would be better, but the sooner I get up, the sooner the boys get up, it seems. I can't count on a certain amount of time in the morning that I can work out. And the days I didn't have the boys, I had other things to do--I had my portfolio to finish last week, and this week is all about cleaning up the house for the company I'm going to have for the next week and a half. We're going to Yellowstone next week (with our company and the boys), so although I'll get some walking in, we'll also be snacking all day and sitting in the car a lot. Yuck. Not great for the weight loss plan.
By the time our company leaves, I'll have four weeks before teachers have to report for in-service and the first days of school. And it will still be having the boys for four days in a row each week. So much for my 15 lbs of weight loss this summer.
I'm just so beat-down and defeated. I hate being fat. I hurt every morning and every night because I'm so heavy. I have to wear shoes all the time because my plantar fasciitis is bad. My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts. And I just don't know what to do to fix it. I have so many excuses, and I can't make myself stop using them. I'm going to be 40 years old in about three months, and I really didn't want to enter my 40s almost 100 lbs overweight.
I need help. I keep hoping I'll wake up one morning and be skinny. It hasn't happened yet.
I, on the other hand, do not weigh 210 lbs. I'm still close to 240, with my weight fluctuating a few pounds each day. I think I weighed myself a couple of days ago at 237.8. Sometimes I'm down to 236, sometimes up to 239. I don't top 240 unless I'm dressed or it's the end of the day. I usually weigh myself in the mornings so I'm as "empty" and light as I'm going to be.
Anyway, I had originally had plans to work out, either walking, swimming, or lifting, every day before my class. That didn't happen, as I discovered I needed all my non-kid time to read and write for the class. Even the week after the class, I still had lots of work to do on my final paper and portfolio, so I didn't do any working out. Over the 4th of July weekend I DID my first actual piece of exercise in God-knows-how-long: I walked a 5k with my mother-in-law. I knew she had been walking daily to get ready for it, and I was really worried about being able to keep up with her. It actually turned out way better than I thought; while I definitely got plenty of exercise in walking the course, I pushed her to her best 5k time, 54 minutes. I'm pretty sure I can do better than that. I've been meaning to try again, but I need to figure out an approximate course around here to walk. I just signed up for another one on August 24. I really should train first.
That 5k was it; I haven't done any exercise other than that. The past two weeks, after the 4th of July, I've had the boys F-M, which means no working out for four days in a row. I need to just suck it up and start getting on the elliptical or doing an in-house walking workout in the evenings after the boys go to bed. It's just that it's the only time I have to sit and enjoy my husband's presence. Also, working out in the evening makes it harder to go to sleep at night because my adrenaline is up. Working out in the morning would be better, but the sooner I get up, the sooner the boys get up, it seems. I can't count on a certain amount of time in the morning that I can work out. And the days I didn't have the boys, I had other things to do--I had my portfolio to finish last week, and this week is all about cleaning up the house for the company I'm going to have for the next week and a half. We're going to Yellowstone next week (with our company and the boys), so although I'll get some walking in, we'll also be snacking all day and sitting in the car a lot. Yuck. Not great for the weight loss plan.
By the time our company leaves, I'll have four weeks before teachers have to report for in-service and the first days of school. And it will still be having the boys for four days in a row each week. So much for my 15 lbs of weight loss this summer.
I'm just so beat-down and defeated. I hate being fat. I hurt every morning and every night because I'm so heavy. I have to wear shoes all the time because my plantar fasciitis is bad. My back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts. And I just don't know what to do to fix it. I have so many excuses, and I can't make myself stop using them. I'm going to be 40 years old in about three months, and I really didn't want to enter my 40s almost 100 lbs overweight.
I need help. I keep hoping I'll wake up one morning and be skinny. It hasn't happened yet.
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